I think I could break something. Actually, I know I could definitely break something.
I don't know exactly what has me in such a violent mood when all I'm doing is sitting in this classroom and not even saying a single word to anyone. Shawn isn't here to calm me down as he usually is since he had to take Aaron to the doctor for a well visit.
I told him I'd go too but he said we both didn't need to go and that he'd rather me go to school instead, so I came to this hell hole and now can't shake this mood I've somehow found myself in. There's this feeling in my gut telling me that something is gonna happen today and I'm still alive in decent condition because of that damned feeling.
Nothing can get me to focus and by the end of class, I'm ready to bolt out of those doors to find myself to think in peace. Lord knows I haven't ever been the type of girl to believe in some fairytales or the type that always knew someone would one day come and rescue me. That's not me and it most likely never is going to be me though I can finally say that things are starting to look up for me.
Jonah and I are out of the gang. Derrick set us free and is now supposed to be leaving for good. Shawn and I have moved past some of the hardest shit we've had to face and we're still going strong.
This is a life where I'm going to have to fight for everyone that means anything to me and I'm more accepting of this than I was in the past. I might not have to fight for the gang any longer but that doesn't mean that part of me is gone, I can never get rid of my past no matter how hard I try, maybe that's for the best anyway.
But I'm going to try and make amends for the pain I was forced to cause others. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I will. No matter how long it takes.
I can finally be all the way there for Aaron and make sure he gets everything he needs and deserves to make it. He's not ever going to have to go through something similar to the shit I did and I'll do anything to make sure of it.
He's my life, one of the few reasons I've continued fighting when I wanted to do nothing but give up. He has saved me along with Shawn and the boys, that makes them worth the whole entire world for me. I can't ever stop fighting for them.
They know me for me instead of all of my faults. I'm not the girl that was abused, raped, and forced into a gang to them though that's how I saw myself. Shawn sees me as the woman that brought his child into the world and the one that he's somehow managed to fall hard for and not let go.
I'm not fully sure what Aaron sees me as besides his mom that he can always come to whenever he's scared, wants a hug, or to sneak into my bed at night since he's still practically rejecting his.
This life might not seem like the all-American dream, but it's my dream and the one I'm living. There aren't any fairytales because no matter how great your life might seem it'll all come crashing down eventually, you've just got to be willing to re-build and face your problems head-on.
One of my problems is going to be facing through the rest of the school year with all these prying eyes on my back, but I'll make it with Shawn, the boys, and the rest of my family in my corner.
"So Amaya," Cody says grabbing my attention. I don't say anything but just glance at him before nodding so he knows I'm listening. "Wanna bust out the IDs and get some drinks for celebration, I'll pay." I sigh.
"Can't. There's no way that I'm drinking and then going back home to Aaron, he still gets nightmares about the incident. I think he'd cry before running away once he got a whiff," I say responsibly, "and I also think I'll just stick to the one alcoholic beverage all parents feel the need to sip on these days." Cody smiles.
"Don't forget the cheese and re-runs of the Fosters. Mom always sips her wine while snacking on her cheese like a little mouse, she literally nibbles on it," he tells us before I quietly laugh at him so we don't get the teacher's attention. "You know, that show is good, but I don't think I'll be able to pick up on the spin-off to it. Anyway, back to this talk on celebrating-"
"I just don't want to do much, I mean, it's celebration enough being able to breathe without having to worry about leaving my four-year-old to go and fight just so he doesn't end up on the radar," I sigh at the end. It's all so frustrating sometimes.
"I just think you should do far more than sipping on wine, eating some cheese, watching re-runs of the Fosters, and watching Aaron. You've been set free like- well like those monarch butterflies we used to always catch and set free a week or two later. You deserve to spread your beautiful wings and fly," his voice is light and almost has this juvenile hint to it. It's kinda a bit calming to hear.
We each give him a strange look before his cheeks turn a tint of red.
"Fine then, nobody's enjoying the butterflies, but we do still have other things. For one, where is said baby daddy anyway? He never blows off school without taking you with," Cody acknowledges while successfully grabbing all of the boys' attention. I shrug my shoulder in response. Beats me. He's supposed to be here already.
"He took Aaron to the doctor for a well visit, he said he'd come out after and the appointment has been over for the past twenty or so minutes. At least it is when I go. He should already be here, I don't know what's keeping him," I tell them honestly as my hand begins to tap away at the desk.
"Aaron sick or something?" Xavier's voice fills with concern.
"No, he's going to do some testings that I see no damn meaning behind," I answer before he raises an eyebrow to me.
"Are you worried about him?" he asks.
"I mean, I'm always worried about him when he's not around. But it's not that this time around, they're doing some tests because he was born a month earlier than expected which was over four years ago. If they didn't pick up on something before I don't think they'll be picking up on anything now," my voice must give away my irritation since they each place a hand on either my shoulder or on my hand.
"Don't worry about it, he's just fine. Shawn would've called to tell you if he wasn't." I nod to Dylan before a soft smile appears on my face. And here they go again making me feel better.
"Thank you," I say before the bell rings interrupting the moment but at least it's setting us free from class. The boys each stand to move as I grab all of my things and move towards the door before Bethany shoves past me to walk out of the room. "Bitch," I mutter underneath my breath.
I'm done letting her control my moods so I take a deep breath.
The boys walk out and as I move to follow them a hand grabs me from behind. I rip my hand away before pivoting on the ball of my feet to come face to face with Jake.
"What do you want?" I practically growl out.
Our teacher already left the room, leaving me stuck alone with this jackass that I already fucking hate. It does me good to see that he's got a scar from him and Shawn fighting though I don't fully understand how it ended up there.
"Calm down, I just want to talk," he says while raising his hands up in front of him as a sign of surrender.
"You just want to talk?" he nods before I find myself letting out a sarcastic laugh. "You and I don't talk, especially after all that shit you were saying about my son or the fact that you wanted to spread rumors about us hooking up. I'd never been ro will be with someone like you and I don't want to talk to people like you either," I say while standing my ground.
He runs a hand through his sandy colored hair while staring at me with those gentle light brown eyes with flecks of gold in them that used to have half of the girls in the school swooning. That shit doesn't work on me. I'm not the type to fall for a guy over their looks.
"Look, I'm sorry Amaya... for everything," he tells me in this small voice.
"And I really wish I could believe you, but I don't. You used to be a genuinely good person, cared about others and how they felt, but then you changed. I want to say popularity went to your head, but I think it's more than just that, even still you didn't need to act the way you've acted.
"You can talk about me all you want and even spread those rumors that we slept together if you want, you, me, and the boys know that much is false, but the moment you want to drag Aaron into it I've got a major damn problem. I'm going to make myself very clear on that.
"You went entirely way too far bringing a four year old in on it when he doesn't understand half of the shit being said about the two of us. So if you're really sorry it's going to take more than a few words to get your point across," I tell him in a calm voice. Jake nods his head slowly as I move to walk out of the room with my head held up high.
And it stays that way up until I walk out of that classroom to find Bethany kissing Shawn while he stands there frozen, not moving a single bit or even trying to stop this. He's just taking it. Get over one fucking problem person to deal with this bitch some more. What the hell have I do wrong?!