My life in a blur
“I had a dream that my hands would soon turn into gold, not for rich but to see my life fall into such pity and greed that I would have to start giving instead of accepting with such way that gives me the power to stop.”
That’s the only thing I could hear.
Why is it when you have cancer people treat you different. I don’t get it, I’m the same person!
I was no different from many girls my age.
For example, Chole
She too had stage 4 cancer, like me, and she was a straight-A student; no extra help! She could detect any lipstick shade from a mile and on top that, she had the most extraordinary boyfriend!
The point I’m trying to make is… Nobody is the same. Anyone can fight their own battles. That’s what I say to the others, but even I can never bring myself to see the same.
The morning bell rang, and I couldn’t see my best friend, Charlie.
He’s been diagnosed and treated so many times; I don’t think the poor guy has the time to live his life…
“CHARLIE!” I yelled. “OVER HERE!”
He took his oxygen tank and walked over to my locker
“Hey! Move it, kid!” Yelled a tall blonde hair guy with perfect teeth.
Charlie said nothing and walked over towards me.
“Hey squirt,” I said, “Who was that guy?”
“Cole?” He asked. “He’s one of my history friends”
“He doesn’t seem like a very nice person,” I said quietly
“Oh, that’s because he’s popular… He would rather be out with tons of girls looking better than anyone else to know I existed... at all.”
“Oh…” I said in that tone you use when you’re irritated. “What class do you have next?”
“Math,” He said uncomfortably.
“Oh sweety, I think you I’ll do fine ..”
“Okay... Fae?” I didn’t say anything I looked at his eyes for a complete two minutes. He hasn’t called me Fae in about 3 years and he said it for the first time in forever.
That sent a shiver down my spine. You see my name is Haley fae, Harper. It’s a weird name I know but my closest friends only call me Fae when something was up .. And I had a feeling today Won’t be my day! The next day after p.e I fainted .. I forgot to take my morning pill, I was taken to the nurse by someone.
How could I remember through the whole “you idiot catch the ball” incident so I sat up in the bed I was laying in.. And muttered “hello who brought me here” the nurse gave me a side look “oh a guy of the name Cole”. “He told me he’s Friends with Charlie” .. My face felt hot .. Why was I blushing.
I didn’t even know the guy yet I felt relief for some reason. What if I like him… I can never tell Charlie!! He would freak out, I couldn’t do that to their friendship .. Then I heard “That HURTS. let Go!!” From outside of the nurse’s office. The nurse had left to go to the bathroom. So why not go investigate
. I turned outside and made it to a group of people chanting “YOU little backstabber ” and then I pushed myself into the crowd to get a better view. “Excuse me” I whispered knowing that no one could hear me in the process of chanting. When I finally saw who it was my face turned the color of an ugly Christmas color that faded too many times. It was “CHARLIE”.
I couldn’t bear to watch anymore and then all of a sudden when I was heading back to the nurse’s office, all I could hear was “COME to PROTECT YOUR BOYFRIEND FAE!!”; ‘okay you know those Netflix movies that always show you the good things and you start to fall in love ..well this isn’t really the case’
turned around and the whole crowd was staring right at me ..like I was the worst person of all. And I felt like it too even without twenty-one people staring at me. The only word I could make out was “LEAVE ME Alone”. I felt ashamed of myself because “Charlie” was always the guy to pick me up when I would fall…
And I could do was walk away.
You see Charlie to me isn’t just a guy; he’s a guy that has had his heart stepped on so many times I’m surprised he’s able to love anything but himself, and that’s the sad truth; if you would feel bad he would be there one hundred percent ;
but if you saw him sad or frustrated. He wouldn’t want you to help him. He always has a good heart.“What if” .. I said to myself. .. you know if I would have hesitated to say these words in my mind.. it would have been way worse .. because when a person like me starts thinking, well I stay in a world where my mind can’t come out of and it’s the most sickening thing to bare
… I sometimes wonder if I was someone else would I be happier.
would I be funnier or would I be prettier..?? You see I always wondered why my family didn’t treat me like the rest of the kids .. they wouldn’t care if I failed a test or forgot my book bags.. they were the less caring parents and that was the depressing thing.
. to be honest .. I Couldn’t think of the thought of my parents cared about me.
But you know it’s a pain in life.. (FLASHBACK) … a couple of years ago I turn 7 and I saw this girl in my elementary class.. she looked so happy every day but .. one day out of nowhere a boy comes up to her during gym class and says
..Sam IS A FAT WHALE”.. she insanely snapped and cried and her breakdown was the worse thing to see from the happiest person in school.
she went home that day and told her moms.. what happened and she replied “Honey don’t let them old beats put you down”
,she looked like the world was against her and she was never seen again at school .. until the next year, and let me tell you.. she changed a lot.. she was skinnier and her hair was down to her back, and her eyes were darker and she actually looked pleased on the outside but in the inside I knew.. she was depressed
.. that’s a word I knew .. because she changed me when I saw her .. she changed for these people that put her down and she finally snapped just like that. I would never understand it.
why would someone change themselves for the worse, just because something is bothering you.. or hurting you.. you shouldn’t change… now I know I’m not the most influential person .. that’s battling cancer. .. but I would at least thing for once in this messed up world that I’m not alone…
. “ALONE”.. i wish to be alone during this time .. and a part of me .. Wanted to be alone more than anything .. I don’t necessarily enjoy my family right now.. they are irritating me .. and I feel hopeless.. usually when I’m down about something I find my strength in drawing but My parents hid any art utensil..
I could use to draw with. Mainly because they think I don’t need the dumb ideas that pop in my head .. referring to “Drawing”.. and that’s rather pathetic.. because I’m the one who needs the anti coping of drawing and doodling and speaking my mind through designing , it’s the only thing I can grasp at times and that the saddest thing I’ve said since last year.
I need something to lift my spirits right now .. but at ″this time I’m telling my story outside with little comfort to express how unhappy I am.. I have absolutely nothing to calm my nerves with and telling my story through words rather than drawings is helping. but I’d rather be in a boat looking for my Prince Charming and looking for what little hope I had left instead…
of telling this pointless story that had no end because peace is integrity and integrity is something I need rather then my anxiety fulfilled stories that I can’t explain due to my imperfections and my not so good descriptions of everything I go through during the day. Let me just say some things are not worth saying
it’s beyond my control. The next day I went to the zoo with a couple of people .. my friend Hannah and my young sister Katie and we laughed our heads off while going through different places, and that was the first real laugh I’ve done in a while to be honest.. the next place we went to before heading off into the parking lot we went to the bird feeding habitat
I was fulfilled with joy as I ran into the exhibit I was then filled with anxiety .. birds flying different directions and I was hoping that one part of me wouldn’t die .. my anxiety is so severe in this kind of situations and I don’t know how to approach it with either not passing out or puking myself entirely out.