Chapter 3 ~ The Truth
I breathed a large sigh of relief the moment I stepped inside our home, if I had of known one fuck was going to cause this much trouble, I would never have gone but working out can only relieve so much stress. Guilt crashed over me and all I wanted to do was fall into a heap and cry. Why did he have to kiss me? The second I walked into that room, my core was on fire. Our time together was so brief, hell, I didn’t even get undressed. I have no idea what his foreplay is even like, why must my body act this way? Fuck, was I really that pathetic? Obviously.
I climbed the stairs to our bedroom, the weight of my decision hung heavily to my shoulders. I gave in and weakened and now this is my price. The shame and humiliation was bearing down on me so much but when I entered our room, there was my husband. The most brilliant man I’d ever known, greeting me with the biggest smile his weakened body could handle. “Hey handsome.”
“My love, how did the meeting go? You look weighed down?”
“I’m happy now I’ve seen you. It was good; I think they really are a great choice you’ve made. I’m just going to have a shower and then Angelique should be up soon with your supper.”
I slumped over to the bed and kissed his forehead before grabbing my clothes and headed to our bathroom. The water hitting my tense muscles was not strong enough to beat out the stress of the afternoon’s events. Yes, my husband was thirty years my senior and no one understood our relationship, hell, no one had too and it was simply none of their business. No one at Tri-Star batted an eyelid when we married; they knew we were in love. What they didn’t know was the rest of it.
Tritium and I had known each other a long time, he was my father’s friend, up until we got engaged and their view on our relationship was voiced. Unfortunately, they decided to wash their hands of the both of us. I couldn’t blame them though; they had no idea what we were facing or the reasons behind my accepting his proposal.
Slipping on a camisole and a pair of lace panties, I climbed into bed beside my husband, even though it was only four thirty in the afternoon. He moved his oxygen wires out the way, so I could snuggle in closer under his arm and ran his fingers up and down my back.
“What worries you, my love?” His tone was huskier these days, then again, a lot of him was worse these days. His grey eyes still alluring as ever and still held that childlike wonder I always adored. His brown hair was showing more greys but the worst of it was his body, shutting down the sicker he became.
“Everything worries me, it’s me. When were you going to tell me about stopping your medication?”
“Angelique sold me out?” he asked incredulously.
“No,” I chuckled, “you think I wouldn’t realise you’ve been a lot more alert?”
“You know I hate them.”
“I know, but seriously Tim, they keep you with me longer.”
“My love, they also keep me in a vegetative state, I’m always muddled and confused.”
“You’re also alive.” I snipped back.
“Don’t, it’s been almost two years since we’ve made love, is it wrong that I want to die a happy man? Being able to make love to you?”
I shook my head side to side, god I was selfish. Tim and I created the ‘anonymous’ app purposely so I could find someone for pleasure and since its launch, Dante had been the only one I’d used it on. Now here was my unbelievable husband, giving up his treatment to make love to me, god I am horrible. “No,” I practically whispered, extracting myself from his arms.
I removed his blankets and squirted some moisturiser into my hands and began to rub his feet. “You don’t have to, Angelique done that earlier.”
“So? It’s good to keep your circulation up, you’re lying down so much these days and don’t tell me it doesn’t feel good because I know it does.”
“Who will take care of you when I’m gone?” He suddenly asks concerned.
“Me? I will just have to find some other old rich sugar daddy to massage,” I joked.
“You know that’s what they’ll say you are, when I’m gone.”
“I know, lucky you trained me well enough to handle the assholes of this world then, hey?”
“I love you.” I could feel tears prickle at the sides of my eyes as I desperately held in the sob threatening to escape while I continued to rub his feet.
“And I love you. But that does not give you a free pass to go and start hooking up with them angels in heaven.”
He laughed, I always loved his laugh, “please, I’m going to be too busy watching you… in the shower… naked.” He wiggled his brows deviously at me.
“You dirty ghost bastard, I can just see you now, climbing under my sheets, feeling an invisible mouth on my crotch, thinking I’m going insane as I’m eaten out by some horny phantom.”
He chuckled again, “that’s exactly what I’ll do. Technically you are my wife, even in death.”
“And what a privilege that has been.” I spoke truth; it had been a privilege to be loved so deeply and passionately by someone as remarkable as him.
“Promise me, you will not wait…”
“Not this again,” I scolded.
“My love, promise me you will find someone to love you right away, do not wait, you have spent your youth loving this old man and it has been an honour, you have made my soul insanely happy but I want you to be happy, always.”
“I’m happy with you.”
“Quinn, promise me. Promise me you will find someone to love you the moment I leave.”
I crawl seductively, on top of his lap, straddling him as he adjusts his oxygen lines, “I promise.” I lean forward, brushing my lips gently against his as I cupped his handsome face. “So, does that mean, since you gave up your meds, that you are now capable of having sex?”
“I think so; I have been semi hard since you entered.”
“Only semi?” I pout.
“Quinn,” Tritium huffs, “I might not be able to cum or I might cum to quickly or I might go soft…”
“Are you fretting before we even get a chance to start?” I slowly lift my top, revealing my very neglected breasts.
“I’m worried my performance won’t be up to standard, after all these years.”
“I love you just as you are, none of that matters to me and you should not feel embarrassed. We will just have to keep trying until we get it right.”
He captures my lips with his, grazing his tongue sensually against mine, stroking it delicately as if this was our first kiss all over again. Just then, my mobile rings.
“Hold that thought, I have to get this, it will be LMPT limited.” I scramble quickly for my phone. “Hello, Quinn Xeal speaking… Yes, Mr McCarlock, have you made a decision?... Fabulous, looking forward to seeing your representative tomorrow… you too…take care.”
“I take it by the smile on your face, they have accepted?”
“Yes handsome, they did.”
“Perfect, now where were we?”
“I think you were saying how you wanted me to suck you off,” I smirk wickedly.
Poor Tim, sometimes it makes me feel like I am a useless wife, that I failed him as his partner and a woman. No, I shouldn’t think that, this is no one’s fault. Tritium blew his load before I even had a chance; I had technically, just started the blow job. I couldn’t blame him though, it had been so long since we had been intimate and with the medication depleting his sex drive all this time, I didn’t expect it to go back to normal straight away, at least now he’s fast asleep.
It’s disheartening to watch a man, so full of life, descend into hell as his body shuts down on him and all those things he loved doing, rock climbing, skydiving or hiking a mere memory. Now, unable to even walk to the toilet, without assistance, his pride took a massive blow.
He apologised profusely but I understood. I guessed by the look on his face that he was feeling like he failed as a man and as a husband but he hasn’t, he’s been the one consistent solid, stable thing in my life for so many years. I honestly don’t know what will happen to me when he goes.
The cancer took hold so quickly and spread faster than either of us could comprehend, he really had no chance to fight and now, he just waits for the grim reaper to take him.
As I sit out on our balcony under the moonlight, listening to the crickets chirp, well… I presume that’s what they are; insects freak me out so I never bothered to learn their sounds. My mind shifts back to Dante. That night, I needed sex, it had been so long and felt so good but I fucked up and now, I’m riddled with guilt. Tim has always said it was okay for me to find someone for sexual relief but this choking feeling and sourness of my betrayal, was not pleasant.
Tim had no heirs and despite him training me to take his place, his company was not what I wanted, not without him, he was the company, he is my world. He never even asked me to carry his child, maybe I would have liked to? If we had more time together, or maybe it was simply that he was thirty years older than me? And would not have been a smart choice leaving me alone with reminders of him. Whatever his reason, it would remain his own, I would never ask, he also bears the weight of failure, I need not add to his stress.
I fell for him so effortlessly, it was as natural as breathing but I always knew it would never last. When he was in his prime, he commanded a room, it was inspiring, watching him work sent chills crawling along my skin but it was his heart that drew me in the most. He actually cared for every person he came across, nothing was ever too much and his generosity knew no bounds, whether it was a homeless person, pensioner at the supermarket or starving children in a third world country. He would rationalise by saying… a man’s worth is not how much he receives but how much he gives… And I was lucky enough to be loved by him.
I lost a lot of friends and family when I married Tritium but I don’t for one second, regret it. I had known these people my whole life and none of them could see passed his money, claiming me, at twenty, was only there for his cash. The truth though, he had inspired me since I was fifteen, the only one who ever believed in me and the first person to take a chance on me, giving me an intern position in his company, even though I was still in high school. I owed him everything.
He was a far greater man than any I will ever meet or have met and the thought that he will soon be gone, shatters my heart a thousand fold. I will be strong for him and I won’t let him see me cry, so on nights like this as I stare out at the forest that surrounds our quaint little property, I get to release all of that pain and hurt I feel inside as my tears are carried away on the wind and I begin the next day, fresh and replenished and ready to face him with the same adoration and love, he gives to me.