To be honest, I never thought I would be traveling at last minute to Washington D.C to see my mother’s dead body.And I expected the person next to me be Sarah, dad, Abbie and even John but never I would have thought in Logan. Never. When I hung up I slide down the lockers and sit down there with a neutral face, I haven’t cried; it feels weird.
I sat down there till the class was over when everyone got out. I didn’t realize that class was over, I just sat there while everyone was asking me what was wrong or what was going on. When they knew, they stayed silent, just like I did. Even Jake said “This is sadder than when Mufasa died”and we all agreed to him and then it happened, I screamed. Like someone just stabbed me in the back and killed me, I screamed.
It was the pain, grief, anger and sadness, all of them in just one scream.
After that everyone got worried and took to the nurse office. My throat tasted like blood and I felt voiceless; but I wanted to talk, I wanted to cry, and I didn’t.
My dad picked me up while John was breaking down in the backseat, he might be sixteen but he is still a baby. I just stayed there as my father got us to the airport, the only sound was their sobs. I stayed still, I kinda felt like a heartless bitch.
When Sarah got the news about my mom’s death. She called me crying, there’s nothing worse than listening to my best friend crying. She was hurt, she told me she would come here as soon as she could to see her laying on a white dress and her beautiful blonde her over her shoulders inside a coffin.
My dad cried his eyes out, he loves her. They still loved each other, I knew it. They just were idiots to notice that there was still love between them.
Now I am about one hour away from there, I honestly don’t wanna see her like that. Pale, her skin so death that it wouldn’t be that beautiful tan skin that she used to have...
She used to have...
I wanna hug her, I wanna be in our house, where we would eat liters of ice cream and talk shit about business and about me being responsible; as much as it annoyed me, now I miss it.
I stand up from my seat and leave the book that I have been trying to read the whole trip, laying there “Where are you going, love?” Logan grabs my hand looking at me with concern “Just wash my face” I say as I squeeze his hand and give him a sad smile.
I walk straight to the bathroom locking the door behind me and washing my face, slowly leaning into the sink. I take a look at myself in the mirror, I am normal. I still have my messy brown-blondish hair, no makeup and that neutral face.
“Leah, are you almost done?” My brother’s voice filled my ears as I nod, remembering that he couldn’t see me, I say yes. When I open the door I meet with John’s green eyes and tall figure, but there is a difference. He looks weak, not as confident as he always is.
He tells me that he needs the bathroom so I get out and go to my seat again. Sitting down again, I grab my “Percy Jackson” book and start reading it “Leah, you have been so quite...” Logan trails “What do you expect me to say? Yes! My mother is dead?” I ask him sarcastically regretting immediately.“I just-” he cuts me off by saying “Don’t worry Le, InI understand, just know that I will be by your side” he didn’t understand at all.
After we land they went to the hospital to see her beautiful body lying there, in a hospital bed. I could not go, I just could not go to see her beautiful blonde hair, her tan skin, long legs and green eyes laying in a coffin.
It’s hard. I had always wanted my mother’s eyes, but I got my dad’s, hazel one. On the other hand, John got her eyes, so green as an emerald.
I don’t know what to do, right know. It hurts. My whole body hurts, my head hurts, my throat feels like it’s burning and my heart aches. Right now I am in my car in front of her mansion, I don’t want to come in, I can’t come in.
But I have to, I have to say goodbye to all in Washington. I get out of my car and walk towards the white door when I reach it I found myself standing in the welcome carpet.
I grab the key out of the pocket of my jeans, I couldn’t wear a jacket today, while in Vancouver was getting colder here is a sunny day, almost a perfect one.
I open the door like its material its crystal, and with that, I come in taking off my sunglasses “Well, it hasn't been even a month and I am standing here again” a laugh scrapes my lips as I say that. Hilarious.
I go into the kitchen to prepare something to eat but I can’t, my hands don’t move, they stay there like they somehow have become steel, they begin to shake as I barely make a move. Every move and thing I touch are smooth and soft like everything I touch is made of acrylic.
Forget. What happens when you forget someone, but I am not talking about Alzheimer, no. I am talking about voluntary wanting to forget that you somehow knew that person, that you ver were related but a friend? That’s easy. How? With drugs. A boyfriend? Easy, with drugs. But a mother, I don’t think I will ever forget her presence, not with all that shit that they can offer me, not with alcohol, with anything.
And then a memory comes into my mind.
“Mom, you know that Jordan would never agree with that” I groan as I see the dress that she chose “Why not? it’s perfect” she knows that I don’t like it because it’s pink “Mom” I groan and she throws her head back and laughs “Dear, I won’t make you wear this and definitely not Jordan, he wouldn’t like wearing a pink tie, right?” She says and I smile.
“Besides why would you need another color if after the ball your dress will be on the floor and his tie too, not to mention your underwear” she smirks and wiggles her eyebrows “Mom” I yell in embarrassment with the heat crawling up my cheeks with red.
“Leah, use protection, I am serious” I groan and she laughs even harder “Mom, I am not going to have sex with Jordan, we are 16,” I say as I take off the pink dress and try on the white one “Honey, he is a good guy. I trust him” he is a horny dude, he may be my boyfriend but we are always having to make out sessions that once my dad caught us in the living room “Just there is something I don’t like,” she says and I roll my eyes at her statement.
“Mom, how you said he is a good guy and no, I am not going to have sex with him tonight,” I say as I finish with the zipper of my dress “You look beautiful, honey,” she says as a smile spreads across her features.
She was so happy about me that night, it was my junior year. And she was right, that night, Jordan and I had a lot of fun, that night he told me he loved me but I didn’t say it back, love is such a strong word for me to give it a bad use. Weeks later he died. My mom cried, she adored him. But no one really knew how he died. We made up a story about his death. We didn’t want to ruin his image of the good guy because he was a good one.
Their deaths hit me like a truck, the difference; I witnessed one of them but the thing isn’t about how you react to the death, it’s about how you react to change. Change, I am not used to it, the change depends on each person, but for me, it’s a totally different story, I don’t like change. But sadly when you have to, you have to.
I walk out of the kitchen and go upstairs to my room that it’s on the left wing of the house. I enter my white room, white curtains, white bed, white desk and the cover was black. I always loved more this room than the one that was back home, this one has pictures with my Sarah, with my old friends, John, Dad, Jordan, and mom.
There is my dresser with all my old clothes, I remember that barely used to have t-shirts of bands, like AC/DC, Aerosmith, the neighborhood or Arctic Monkeys, I didn’t like the idea of people thinking that I liked those bands, now I have lots of them.
People used to ask me why I changed the way I did, why I wasn’t kind anymore. It was weird, but I am like this and if they don’t want to accept it, I am not going to live by their opinions. Let people talk, let Zoe talk. That bitches never got my back and I always had theirs.
I unmade my bed throwing the sheets away and the pillows and kicking them. I was mad for everything, at everything. The people who killed Jordan and my mom, the doctors who didn’t save both of them, those fake people who I so called my friends, Zoe, Nick, Logan, Jordan, and mom for leaving me all on my own. For thinking that I was capable of all of this shit when I am not.
I wipe my hair off my face and slide down the wall of the pictures that were in front of the bed. I can’t anymore. I am so tired of losing people. A tear slips out of my eye, without warning. Just like they both left.
A moment of silence that was all of us needed at her funeral to cry. Everything is black, the Vancouver’s sky is black, she is in black and every person in this place is in black. It is raining, I am holding a black umbrella and Sarah’s head was on my shoulder as she cries her eyes out. I am with black jeans, black T-shirt, and black jacket. Just like ten moths ago, I am back in black.
They bury her and I put in her coffin some white orchids, her favorite. We are heading home to have a relaxing day, today’s Saturday of September 15th and her death was on September 13th, a month away from my birthday, way to give me a fantastic present mom.My phone buzzes next to me as I glance at it, seeing that someone is calling me I press the answer button “Hello?” my voice sounds tired and raspy “Leah...” it’s Marcus, why would he be calling, right now? “What do you want?” I sound harsh, confident and determined “Easy on there, my queen,” he says with a lose laugh, indicating me he is high.
" I heard that the Queen’s mom died, I wanted to know if she needed something to... you know... forget?” I can picture him smirking “Why would I need it? And why the hell do you care about me?” I ask roughly “Because you needed it before, so why not now?” I could have said no but I did want to forget about that pain that was in my heart, that the ice cream wouldn’t take away.
But I knew a way “Where’s the party and where are them?” I ask him “Bring money, Leah, Because I know you won’t come just come for alcohol but for something else, and if you don’t have any, you know other ways...” he trails off and I say “You are right, I won’t just go to get wasted but for something else, and about the money, don’t worry” I say as I grab my money out of my wallet, get it into my jeans pocket.
“I will send you the details about the party,” he says and I hung up. I change my T-shirt for a gray one and my black converse for a pair of gray Palladium boots. I look in the mirror and see the black bags under my eyes, but I don’t give a fuck. It’s a party and I don’t care about anything anymore.
I get out of my room and downstairs “Leah, where are you going?” My dad asks me “Somewhere” I answer him blankly “Don’t give me that attitude lady” he says angry “Dad, I am just going out, nothing bad’s going to happen” I wave at him and then close the door behind me.
I don’t give a fuck anymore, just like everyone in the place that I am going.
I haven’t seen Marcus in a long time, to be more specific, since Jordan’s death. He ‘helped’ to go through the pain that I had for his death. After all, he betrayed my boyfriend and I let him help me. He used to go with me to parties or the rock’s house and give me hallucinogens to take my pain away, but that never worked, so I stopped.
Marcus said that some day I would go back at him, begging for help to forget. Maybe he was right, maybe I would come later, and that’s why I am here right now, in front of the Rock’s house, a house where you come to let your pain and grief out. I am sitting here in my car thinking if I should go away from here or keep going and do the biggest mistake in my life. Fuck it, I am going.
I get out of the driver’s seat and walk through the garden as “Robbers” by The 1975 is in the background, everyone’s dancing in and outside the house high or drunk, I open the door and walk inside Marcus’ white mansion “Leah, Leah, Darling, come here and greet us” I hear a very familiar deep voice “Marcus” I smirk as I see him with a slut in small red dress in his lap.
“You didn’t wait for me” I say referring to the powder all over the table “Well, things like this doesn't wait, you ready?” he asks me as the slut is kissing his neck and I look around to see very familiar faces sitting on the couches “No, let me grab a beer first” I say as he nods and I get out of there and go straight to the bar where there is an old brunette guy with a beard and hazel eyes “What can I get you, hot thing?” I ignore him knowing that he was ascribing me.
“Lady?” he asks me again and this time I pay attention “Oh yeah sorry, last time I knew my name wasn’t hot thing” I say in sarcastic tone, he blushes at my comment and I glance over him to see the drinks “Give me a Smirnoff, please” I say pointing at the crystal drink, he nods and hands me one as he winks “Thank you, sir” I say going away “Wait you didn’t pay me” he yells as I smirk and go to the backyard. I take a sit in the green and soft grass as I take a long sip of my beer remembering the first time Jordan brought me here, a smile forming on my wet lips.
“So technically is a Rock house?” I ask Jordan from my desk as I write my essay on my computer “Well, yeah, you can say that, they call it that” he answers from my bed, we are right now here in my room, he sprawled all over my bed and I am with my glasses writing my history thesis “Well they call it that, but I don’t see it as one” he explains “Then what is it?” I ask typing over the keyboard of my Macbook “Huh, they put on rock instead of pop or some shit like that” he curses and I look at him with a warning look, I don’t like him to cuss, it just looks bad on him.
He offers me a guilty smile and I roll my eyes going back to my work, I feel him looking at me, I try to hide my smile and I hear him stand up from my bed and makes me stand up, hugging me from behind “What?” I ask in ‘serious’ tone “Nothing you just look insanely beautiful with glasses and sweatpants” he whispers in my ear making my goosebumps appear, he laughs deeply in my ear and I turn around and kiss his lips with lust and sexiness, he groans into my lips and part his mouth and put my tongue inside taking the control of the kiss.
His hands around my waist tightened as I push him towards my bed, I know that this makes him go crazy, when I take the control of our make out sessions “You are going to make me die” he says as I trap him with my arms, each one next to each side of his head, I continue kissing him down his neck and I get a groan as an answer “Love, we are going to be late” he says trying to breath.
“We are going?” I ask taking his shirt off and kissing his abs as I get another groan and I moan into his abs “You sure you don’t want to be here?” I ask him as I look up and see his eyes the darkest green ever, seeing that he is enjoying everything I get up “Okay” I say as he groans again “You love teasing me, don’t you?” he asks as I turn around and wink at him “Okay so What should I wear?” I ask him opening my wardrobe.
“You look cute in anything you wear” he says and I grab a paper sheet and make it into a paper ball throwing it at him “You know I hate word, asshole” I say as he laughs, I take out a leather skirt and a white shirt “huh huh, you are not wearing that” he says shaking his head “Why?” I complain “Because we are going to a party and the guys that are there will want to see further than that” he says in disapproval “Okay if you don’t want me to wear then I won’t but don’t be jealous, it’s annoying” I say rolling my eyes, I out inside the skirt and take out some black jeans instead.
We arrive so-called Rock’s house and “Why’d you only call me when you are high?” by the Arctic Monkeys is blasting through the speakers, it’s white mansion, I have never seen it before but I was waiting for seeing the typical thing but instead I see fancy people with glasses of whiskey and Smirnoff, I look over at Jodan and then he explains “They just drink this kind of things because they are more expensive, here just come guys who don't think that the material things are enough” I nod and we enter the white mansion.
When we enter the living room, I see everyone high and doing drugs “You brought me here to do this?” I ask him disappointed walking backward “No, love I-” I cut him off “Get away from me,” I say pushing him backward.
“Leah, can you please listen to me?” he asks as tears swim at the corners of my eyes and I shake my head, he pulls me towards him and say “Leah, I would never do that to you, we just came here to have some drinks” he explains and guilt washes over me “I am sorry, I should have trusted you” I apologize to him, why would I think my boyfriend would do that? “Let’s go,” he says.
He leads me inside some VIP room and there is a guy in a big coach with a whore sit on his lap “Jordan, my best friend” the blonde guy hugs Jordan tightly “Dude, she is Leah my girlfriend” he introduces me “Leah, he is Marcus, My best friend” he reaches out his hand and I shake it “Nice to meet you, Marcus” I say with a smile.
“Marcus said that if you are going to join us?” someone says snapping me out of my memories, I look up and see some random blonde guy, I nod and stand up as I look at my beer, now being empty “I am going for a beer, tell him, I’ll be there” I tell him and he gives me a nod, going in a different direction and I taking mine “I want a whiskey” I ask the boy from the bar and he hands me one glass of expensive whiskey.
I thank him and walk to the the living room “You were late” Marcus says in annoyance “Well, you know what they say: who laughs last, laughs best” I say with a smirk placed on my lips shaking my glass of whiskey softly.
“Well, we kept the best for you” he says and points at the white powder at the table and the joint in his evil hands, I gulp and take a sip, I reach over the joint in his hand as a smirk grow his lips and then a deep voice makes me stop my tracks “Honey, don’t!” he exclaims and I turn around to see familiar blue deep eyes “Nick” I say with hope in my eyes “Get out of here asshole” Marcus yells at Nick.
“Come on Leah, your mom is waiting to see you” he says offering it to me “Don’t give her that shit” Nick demandds as he takes item closer to me and I watch in fear at Nick and that’s when it happens, Nick throws a punch towards Marcus’ nose and blood comes out of it “Oh my fuck” I say with a smile forming into my face “I said, don’t give her that shit” Nick says as everyone stares at him in shock, because no one, and by that I mean no one touch the boss.
“Why, rich boy? You afraid she would become one of my whores” in that moment Nick is not the next one who gives the second punch, I am “You fucking slut” he yells at me in anger “Why are you so worried about her? it’s not the first time she has done this”Marcus says as he holds his bloody nose “You are lying, she would never do that” Nick says “You think so?” he asks him with a smirk “After Jordan’s little accident, she came to me, begging for me and my merchandise” he says as Nick throws another ppunch and then another, with his eyes flashing anger.
Then everyone starts to throw punches at him, I grab some bottle and break it in some guy’s head, I throw a punch to the blonde guy from earlier as he cries out in pain. Marcus stands there with a smirk on his face, satified by the mess he has done “You know where to look for me, baby” he winks at me and I cringe at the sound of him calling me baby, I watch as he walks away, then someone grabs my forearm and I turn around to see a bruised Nick “Let’s go” he says with pain in his voice and grab his arm and put it around me and help him to walk “You are so fucking dumb” I say and looks at me confused.
“Why did you come? Why do you even care about her death?” I ask him as I throw him in the passanger’s seat and I walk towards the driver’s one and get in “Someone that I know called me and told me that you were her, I guess, I just didn’t want you to taste that” he says awkwardly and I laugh at him “You were worried about me?” I ask him trying to get my breath back “No, I don’t worry about anyone and definitly not you” he says and I wanted to stop and tell him to get out of the car but he was hurt and I-
Why am I even worrying?
“Look, I am not going to say thanks because I didn’t need someone to save me and if I need it, it would not be you” I say with a blank tone and he looks at me with anger “Stop the car” he says and I keep going “I said stop the car” he said harshly making me stop and in the blink of an eye he gets out, I follow his actions and look at him “What the fuck are you doing?” I ask as I put my arms out “You fucking kidding me, Leah?!” he says with my name rolling out of his tongue, he has never called me by my name, a slight pain wraps around my heart but I ignore it.
“You are the one who got out of the fucking car” I defend “I saved you from becoming a fucking addict” he yells at me “I didn’t need someone because I was one before” I yell back and everything goes silent “Leah, I-” I hold my hand up “Save it” I say and walk towards my car again “I was one too” he says and I turn around in not much shock.
“You don’t how the fuck it feels like losing your mom Nick, you don’t know how it feels like losing someone you love and it’s close to you” I say with pain “I want to forget she died, I want to forget that she even existed, that he once was my boyfriend” his head snap up and I could see the questions in his eyes “Honey, if you died, you wouldn’t want people to forget you, would you? Would you want your children to forget you?” he asks me “Nick, she is fucking dead” I yell at him with anger in my eyes and my blood boiling.
“She left me after promising me that she would wait till seeing my freaking children but now she is gone” I feel something wet in my face and the I realize that I’m crying “Leah, drugs fix your mind but not your heart” he says and I fall on my knees and start crying for everything, because I almost killed myself with that stuff again, because my mommy died, Jordan died, everything’s gone “They died” I say holding my stomach and Nick is on his knees trying to confort me putting his arms around me “They are gone” I say sobbing with pain and grief in every tear that has left my eyes.
“They are gone and I didn’t do anything” I sob as he passes his hand through my hair “It’s okay, honey” he whispers as I break down into his arms “They fucking killed them” I whisper “Marcus killed him” I mutter as Nick stays with me that night in the middle of the road, listening parts of the truth. And I didn’t even realized it.