I Should Have Bought Better Friends

By Timothy Kenny All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Adventure


Tony Wiseaker is a thirty-something do-nothing existing in Philadelphia. When he wins the lottery, he decides to take his three best friends on vacation. They quickly face the perils inherent in any peaceful pleasure cruise. One buddy unwittingly starts a rumor of a terror plot at their destination. The Jamaica-bound ship is rerouted to Cuba. While in Havana, another pal tries to find relatives of an expatriate cruise employee. His meddling leads to Cuban police raiding the ship. Tony’s third ol’ chum then smuggles aboard illegal cigars, which are promptly confiscated by the cruise director. Now, with the international crisis his amigos have caused, Tony’s trip back home will be anything but smooth sailing. Obviously, he feels he should have bought better friends. It says so right there in the title. But with his buds in hot water, will Tony stand by them? After all, they’re still his best friends. Right?

How to Become a Bottlenose Dolphin Midwife

It was easy enough bandaging my kidney stab wound, but my nearly-severed nipple is proving a little more difficult. I know I need to get myself to the emergency room at some point, but for now I just need to lie on my own couch, in my own house, by my own self.

I could use a little alone time to recover from my ‘vacation.’ You can’t see me, but I air quoted ‘vacation’ to accentuate the irony, even though it feels like my heart and soul are trying to escape through my nipple wound every time I move my hand from it. That’s how shitty my vacation was, all thanks to my best buds.

I should have bought better friends. Says so right there in the title. And I could have bought better friends, too. Let’s just say that if I had sixty-two million dollars for every time I hit the lottery, I’d have $186 million. And I do. Have $186 million, that is. Because I did hit the lottery. Thrice. That’s three times, to the layperson. I know ‘thrice’ sounds a little pompous but, when you become a multi-millionaire, you start saying words like ‘thrice.’ I’ve also started saying things like ‘forthwith’ and ‘aforementioned’ and other such pompousy words. But not ‘heretofore.’ I draw the line at ‘heretofore.’ I’m not a total douche nozzle.

What I am is the only person to ever hit three multimillion-dollar jackpots in the history of life. Google that shit. I even have my own Wikipedia page. Anton Wiseaker, only person to win the lottery thrice. I go by Tony, but they have my legal name up on the site. I guess because that’s the name they put on my giant checks. People have told me that I can change any information on Wikipedia myself, but I’m kind of a lazy prick.

I did try once. I went on to Wikipedia and gave it a valiant effort. For about four seconds. Then I saw someone sent me a video of a song from an old Weezer concert on You Tube. Nine and a half hours later, I found myself watching a video on how to become a midwife for bottlenose dolphins. Seven hours after that, I woke up with the mirror image of two-thirds of the QWERTY keyboard imprinted on my forehead and a You Tube video on my screen on how to make your own tri-color rotini from scratch.

I have no idea how I got to that video. I won’t even boil pasta because it takes too much effort. I sure as hell ain’t making it from scratch. And if I did, through some miracle, set out to make my own pasta, it would be mono-color. As I said, I’m kind of a lazy prick.

I think some psychologist or psychiatrist or podiatrist should do a study on the progression of You Tube clicks. What combination of suggested videos got me from ‘Weezer concert’ to ‘Become a bottlenose dolphin midwife’ to ‘Make your own tri-color rotini’? And when I got to the video suggestion for ‘steps to becoming a bottlenose dolphin midwife,’ why did I click on it? What possibly could have been going through my mind at that moment? Morbid curiosity? Mind-numbing sleep deprivation? Must have been one of the two, right? Being a man, I haven’t the ability to be a midwife for my own species, let alone an aquatic one. Yet, there I sat for the entire hour and fourteen-minute video watching scene after disgusting scene of bottlenose dolphin births.

Why didn’t I turn it off? Surely, after the first thirty seconds of the video, I thought to myself, ‘No, thank you, You Tube. This activity is clearly not for me.’ What compelled me to watch the remaining seventy-three and a half minutes? These are questions only the brightest scientific and psychological minds are fit to answer.

But I digress. Point is, I should have bought better friends.

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