Guys, first off I wanna start by saying thank you. I want to thank everyone for the support, all the kind words, and comments I have received by the generous people. Yet I have some very bad news, but I am NOT deleting this book. I will continue with this book no matter what, but I must point out that I have not updated in almost two weeks- and for that, I apologize.
I am going through a lot right now, and most nights I stay up trying to find a reason to stay alive and keep going. Since July, I tried to commit suicide once and I’ve self-harmed a couple times. I’ve been hospitalized, interrogated, harassed and lost many friends more times then I can count in my head. It seems like I have lost myself along the way, yet writing this book is an outlet for me. I enjoy all the comments(except for the negative ones) I receive. I am not kidding when I say that my faithful readers are part of the reason I am alive. I live for you guys, along with other close people in my life. That might sound stupid, but really Kudos for you all.
I feel like I need to explain to you guys some of the stuff that is going on with me. I have a trial court date on the thirtieth, and I had a court date today. Basically, I am an alleged victim of a sexual assault case against someone I really care about( I can’t mention his real name so I’m just going to call him Bob). Bob is in my family, and it hurts. We were in a car together back in July, and a policeman came to inspect us. They pulled him out of the car for questioning, and Bob hates cops so he panicked and had a blackout. He can’t remember anything he said, and ever since that day the cops have been harassing me to turn against him and “tell the truth”. They refuse to believe me when I tell the actual truth and say nothing happened with Bob. And by the way, Bob does have a mental illness due to his service in the Army, he was deployed when the twin towers fell down to terrorist attacks. He has severe PTSD, and some brain trauma- but he can still drive and carry out normal functions.
When I had court today, our attorney asked for a continuance to gather up information because the Bob has a lot of medical records that could help his case. Usually, judges grant continuances, but he denied ours. That leaves us with 13 days to gather up two-inch stacks of medical records, from the VA to help our case. Most of all, I have no guardian litem(which they promised to give me), no preparation for being on trial for the questions, and I am even on the states witness list. It’s the state vs. Bob, and Bob’s attorney is trying to fight to get me on Bob’s witness list so I can help him. My mom is positive that they want to keep me on the state’s witness list, but not call me to the stand because my word contradicts the state’s claims against Bob’s. They know they would lose if I spoke about what actually happened, which is why they gave me no preparation for the trial because they don’t plan to use me. The night that it all went down, my mom came to pick me up and the cops demanded that she should take me to the hospital to get a rape kit test done. We got into this huge argument and I ended up exploding. I said, “Fuck you, fuck the cops, fuck my life. He didn’t rape me. Fuck this shit, let’s go take this test to prove that he didn’t touch me.” A little dramatic I know, but we apologized to each other the next night. Anyway, I actually did take a rape kit test to prove he didn’t touch me, and that night when she picked me up she yelled at me hardcore.
Five years ago, Bob and a cop got into a small argument in our small town that I witnessed. Ever since then the cops have been targeting and harassing my family.
Anyway back to myself, I’ve been really depressed since July. Everything is really messed up. CPS and social workers are involved and it’s only making everything worse because they are trying to take custody away from my mom. I have three other younger siblings(the youngest is two) and my mom is trying her hardest not to lose our house because of bills. Bob helped with bills a lot, but mom had to kick him out because of CPS or she would lose us. So Bob is currently homeless on the streets. I have PTSD as well due to my past, and since the night the incident went down I’ve been hearing and seeing things- come to find out my biological dad did have schizophrenia before he died. I’m scared because I have a lot of mental problems for being so young and I don’t feel like adding schizophrenia to the list, but oh well that’s out of my control.
I’m only 17(16 when all this happened) and I feel like my life is being ruined and ripped away in front of my eyes. Friends have turned against me calling me a slut and some family members have also turned their back on me. I live in a small town so everyone knows what happened because any criminal sexual offense is public knowledge, and my town is nosy asf. It’s been hard to carry on with normal activities, hard to eat, hard to sleep, and hard to write. Also, I was almost sent to Brooke Lane when I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I remember when I took a suicide evaluation and anything over 20 was a high score, I scored a 38 out of 40.
I really apologize because I feel like I’m a lousy writer😭😢, but I feel like I need to focus on my own mental health. I will continue to update but I might update off schedule then what I usually do.
On another note, the reason why I’m so fucked up mentally is because I have been abused in my life, sexually assaulted twice, and I’ve witnessed my biological dad beat the shit out of my mom until the point where she almost DIED! That is something my brothers didn’t have to witness, and I am glad. In my own way, I am a warrior and I have physical scars to prove it. I was sexually abused by my own grandfather from the age of 5 to 11. I was terrified out of my own mind because if I refused, a pistol would be pointed at my forehead. I was forced to watch porn with him, I was forced to do many things against my will. When I was around 5 that’s when my biological dad started to beat on my mom because he was on drugs. I’ve seen him beat her with a metal pole, punched her repeatedly, pull her hair because she didn’t want to get out of bed yet. I’ve even defended her once by hitting him with a baseball bat when I was 6. I was there holding my mom when she was crying at the age of 5-7, cleaning her face when it was bleeding, and picking up the broken glass. I attempted to care for my two younger brothers at the time when I was only 5-7 because no one was able to. I made them eggs on the stove when I was 5 and 6 because no one could. Luckily they don’t remember those things. I remember the last straw that made my mom snap in order to get out of that damn house was when my biological dad hit me across my face. My mother put a knife to his throat and threatened him. That’s when she had enough courage to give us to my grandmother and she eventually got her life straight. However, I do love my father to the day he died, because drugs can make you a different person and he was my father after all. It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time. With that being said, I have recently got a lot of negative comments about how I should do “research” about the attempted rape and domestic abuse scenes in my book. I DON’T NEED TO DO DAMN RESEARCH. My damn research is my experience. I’ve seen domestic abuse, I been abused, and almost raped. I get sick and tired of people saying how my first book offends them and comments starting like “I’ve been abused or raped before and I’m offended as a woman that this book is on here because I want to read something different. You should do research on those topics.”
😐 Thanks. Those comments really want to make me delete this book. There are no comments about that stuff in my second book but there is a lot of it in my first book. I’m not trying to sound like a major bitch, but it’s just those comments that intentionally put me down saying I don’t know anything about the stuff I write is uncalled for, and they completely don’t understand me. I know a lot more than what a regular kid should know because I had no childhood. Now listen, I don’t mind the comments that say Alec is an asshole or a dick, because let’s be honest- sometimes he’s a major dick asshole bitch of a baby. I don’t mind the comments saying Leah should tell him about being a Witch or that she should leave him(in the first book) because you are right. She is being a little bitch when she isn’t honest with him, and in the first book she should have left him but she didn’t. It takes a lot of courage to leave someone even if they are abusive. Now that is facts!
Honestly with all the hate comments and everything wrong with my life I just want to warn everyone that my updates might take a while but they are surely coming. I refuse to let my readers down and I’m going to try my best to give ya’ll what you want. That’s the main point.
Thank you so much for everything. I appreciate every one of my readers.
Oh and by the way, I will probably need prayers on the thirtieth of this month, honestly my whole family will be lost if Bob gets incarcerated for twenty years, and just to prove how close he is with us... Once in a park for a 4th of July party there was a shootout. My mom, Bob, and my other siblings except for one were on one side of the park. We quickly got shelter, but my 12-year-old brother was on the other side of the park near the shooter. Because Bob was a veteran, his gears quickly switched and he ran full speed all the way across the park(which was big) in the direction of the bullets. He tackled my brother to the ground and acted as a human shield. He saved my brother’s life that day because I saw that the shooter aimed the gun at my brother right before he was tackled to the ground and shielded. There were many kids stranded in the park and not one person went back to protect them, except when Bob went back for my brother.
I apologize for any spelling mistakes.