Chapter 20: Apologize
I knew that by ignoring Matt’s calls he may have grown worried, but I spent the night with Amber and I could handle myself. I wasn’t just going to run back to Matt and apologize for getting pregnant by him.
I understand that it was a spur of the moment lash out and maybe he didn’t mean it, but Matt should have thought before he spoke. He should have known me better and considered my feelings.
When telling Matt last night I had intentions on asking him to come with me this morning to my first ultrasound appointment to determine how far long I was. Up until this morning the only information I had was that was was definitely pregnant and that was from a random doctor at the hospital. At least now I would get to speak to a professional.
Sitting on the patient bed that was set up in the small room, I really wished that Matt was here. He should be here so we could find out anything there was to know together.
“Miss?” The ultrasound technician repeated for the second time, finally getting my attention. “If you could please just get in a comfortable laying position and lift your shirt above your stomach, I’m going to apply some gel. It will feel slightly cold, but then we’ll be able to begin the scan and see how the fetus is developing.”
I nodded my head in response to her, “Okay, great.”
I shifted slightly on the bed and lifted my shirt up, holding it just below my breasts. As she applied the gel, I flinched slightly at the cold.
“Oh, wow. That is cold...” I laughed softly and the tech smiled at me as she proceeded to get the rest of the equipment ready.
“Is this your first child?” She asked me.
I nodded my head, hearing someone say it made my heart pound. I really was having a baby. I never expected to have a baby anytime soon so it all felt surreal. “Yeah, it is...”
“This must be pretty exciting for you then, huh?” As she gently pressed the ultrasound scanner against my stomach, she watched the monitor, “Are you and the dad hoping for a specific gender?”
Matt and I barely had the chance to talk about it but even if we had I knew that neither of us would have a preference in gender. I know that I would love either a boy or girl, and I’m sure that Matt felt the same because it was our baby. Our amazing, incredible baby.
“My boyfriend already has a son, but we just want a healthy baby. The gender doesn’t matter,” I smiled, beginning to like the idea of having a baby the more that I talked about it.
I glanced at the monitor as she moved the scanner around. It didn’t seem like much to me other than a mix of black and gray.
“Okay, well Ms. Prescott, based on what I’m seeing, it seems like you’re nearing the end of your first trimester.” She nodded her head, “Close to twelve weeks.”
My eyes widened at her words, “Twelve weeks? That’s three months. But... Shouldn’t I have gained weight or anything? And I’m still getting my period.”
The technician wiped the gel off of my stomach, taking off her gloves as she stood from the chair, “Not always. Weight issues and period problems could be due to stress, if you have any. However, I’ll set you up with an appointment with a recommended OBGYN, just so you can address any concerns and they’ll be able to go over any nutrition information with you.”
“That would be fantastic, thank you.” Knowing that stress was probably having an impact on my pregnancy worried me, I didn’t even look close to three months pregnant but I had no idea how I was supposed to look. Matt and I weren’t even living together when I got pregnant, I didn’t even pay attention to signs because there were none.
I stood from the table and adjusted my clothes as she spoke again, “We’ll book another appointment for around 2 months from now. The baby will be bigger and you’ll be able to see more by then. Right now the baby is barely the size of a lime, so--”
“Well, I’m estimating you’re close to twelve weeks, Ms. Prescott,” She explained and I nodded slowly, “However, at this point the fetus seems smaller than it should be, so seriously consider the referrals I’ll be sending you.”
“I will. Absolutely,” I managed a small smile.
I had a lot to think about during the drive home. Being further along in the pregnancy than I expected gave me less time to come to grips with the fact that I was even pregnant to begin with, another thing that I would have to break to Matt. I’m sure he was expecting more time to process everything and put off telling his family how I’ve burdened him this time. I can only imagine what they’re going to say.
By the time I pull into the driveway I have second thoughts about even coming home to begin with, I’m still hurt by Matt’s actions from the previous night but I can’t hide from him anymore, one night felt petty enough for me.
As I entered the house everything seemed quiet but I recalled seeing his car in the driveway, however if I didn’t come across him in the house I wasn’t going to run around looking for him.
I walked through the kitchen, seeing paperwork scattered on the island and as I stepped closer I noticed that it was information about the building he was leasing. He had hired a lot of people so the interior and set up was getting done relatively quickly. Prior to his reluctance in the beginning, Matt was far more eager now and diving straight into everything head on.
“I didn’t know if you were coming back,” I heard his voice behind me and I quickly turned to look at him.
“I...” He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and stared at me, his expression softened but he didn’t dare to move.
“I’ve been calling you,” He pointed out.
“I know,” I nodded my head, “I’ve been ignoring you.”
Matt seemed taken off guard by my honesty but he simply scratched the back of his head, “I assumed that much, I would have given you your space but... I was worried about you and...”
“Matt, if you expect me to apologize for leaving last night or making you worried, I’m not going to.” I folded my arms over my chest, looking away from him and focusing on the wall.
I could hear his steps coming towards me and as he stopped in front of me he tilted my chin to face him, looking down at me, “No, baby. I don’t expect or want an apology. I don’t deserve one. But you do. Allison, I was out of line and I’m so sorry.”
“You can’t just act like a jerk to me and think that saying sorry will fix it.”
“I know. I have a lot that I need to make up to you. A lot of things that I’ve kept from you and I want our relationship to be an open book because I love you,” Matt says. His words confused me because I had no idea he was even keeping things from me, “Having another baby is a lot to think about, but whether it was now or later in life I know that I want a child with you. Accusing you was a horrible thing to do, I’m sorry, Allison.”
As bad as it was, after all of the sweet things he said the only thing I could focus on was him saying that he was keeping things for me. We were having a baby and that wasn’t going to change, but I did want him to explain what he meant by that and tell me exactly what it is that he’s been keeping from me.
“What do you mean you’ve been keeping things from me?” I asked, being straight forward with him. That was the only way to be with Matt, it was the only way to actually get answers from him half the time.
He shook his head slightly, “It isn’t anything serious.”
“You’re the one who brought it up,” I snapped, “How long have you been keeping things from me?”
“Allison, can you please just calm down? These things were to protect your feelings.”
“Don’t act like you care about my feelings after how you acted yesterday, Matthew.” I put emphasis on his name before urging him to proceed, “Tell me what you’ve been keeping from me before I consider walking right out that door again.”
“It was when Alexandra and I were pretending to still be together when my grandmother first came into town.” He began.
Oh no... My thoughts began to go to every possible thing that could have happened. He spent the night there! I’m an idiot for not having asked him more about it but it was the same morning I passed out and found out I was pregnant.
“She kissed me,” Matt admitted and before I could react he quickly continued, “A quick peck and I didn’t kiss her back, I swear to god, Allison. I told her she crossed a line. There was so much going on and I didn’t want to put more on your mind.”
I stayed silent. Matt seemed sure, honest. But how was I supposed to know if a small peck was all that happened? Alexandra had been the same woman that Matt once loved so deeply and I’m sure he still has feelings for deep down.
“You said there were other things, too.” My voice unintentionally cracked as I spoke, “What else haven’t you told me?”
I looked up from my fingers in which I was tugging hopelessly at while my teeth nibbled on my lower lip. Matt ran his fingers through his messy hair and leaned his lower back against the island, “You know how Will mentioned my attorney being a female?”
Oh, I remember. I nodded my head.
“Well, the day of the trial I had to drop her because I was noticing that she was getting too... touchy.” Matt’s eyes shifted to mine and they locked instantly.
I huffed in surprise, “God, Matt. How many women do you have hitting on you?”
“Allison, I’m being serious with you.”
“I know you are,” I countered, “And I’m frustrated that instead of telling me about women pawing at you, you allowed it to happen and didn’t tell me to begin with.”
He looked offended as he quickly retaliated his response to me, “I did not allow it to happen! Are you kidding? Do you think I would give up my family for you and just go around other women? Do you think my family meant nothing to me that I just wanted to have some fun with you for a few months?”
“Do not put this on me!” My voice raised, wanting to slap him so badly but I fought the urge. I was better than that and I would rather yell at him to express my anger. “I didn’t ask you to leave Alexandra, so don’t throw that in my face, Matt! That’s not fair to me.”
“I’m not blaming you, but you could have a little more trust in me,” Matt’s argument was invalid. How could I trust him when he couldn’t be honest with me from the start instead of waiting so long to tell me about these things?
“Just like the trust you had in me, right?” I quickly responded.
Matt stayed quiet, knowing very well that he couldn’t throw trust in my face after he said that he didn’t believe I was taking my birth control last night.
I turned away from him, setting my keys on the counter, “You know, I really just need to lay down. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”
As I headed towards the hallway, Matt gently grabbed my wrist, “Where did you stay last night?”
I looked over at him and deciding to be pettier than ever, I taunted him, giving him a taste of his own medicine, “I’ll tell you in a few weeks. Have some trust in me.”
As I pulled my arm out of his grasp, I headed towards the stairs. Luckily Matt didn’t bother to follow me, I was done discussing this with him now. At this point I expected our relationship to be getting stronger not weaker.
I spoke to Amber on the phone the same night, I promised to give her all the details from the ultrasound earlier today. It felt nice to have someone to share the similar excitement with me although I would have hope Matt would have been that someone.
My legs were underneath the blankets of the bed as I leaned against the headboard, talking to Amber on my cellphone, “I guess I’m going to tell my family this weekend... Considering I’m further along than expected it won’t be long until I start to show.”
“You’re going to be the cutest pregnant person ever,” Amber gushed and I suppressed my smiled slightly, “Dibs on planning the baby shower.”
“It’s all yours,” I offered, “It won’t be any time soon anyway.”
“Can I name the baby, too?” She asked jokingly.
I laughed softly, “You wish. I’ve dreamed of this since I was a little girl.” My eyes shifted to the doorway as Matt entered the room, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it in the laundry basket. “I’ll talk to you later, Amber. Bye.”
As I hung up with Amber, I watched Matt walk into the bathroom unable to help myself from observing the fine muscles of his back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still upset but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s an attractive man.
In case he was interested in talking again, I stayed sitting on the bed rather than taking the opportunity to lay down. Going to sleep upset was inevitable, but we could at least try and end things tonight on a decent note.
A few minutes later Matt returned to the bedroom, unzipping his pants and tugging them off, “Why didn’t you tell me you had an ultrasound today?”
Not a good start, Matt. I thought to myself.
“You were listening to my conversation?” I asked him.
“Allison, I had a right to know.” Was all that he said to defend himself.
“You think that I didn’t want you there?” My brows furrowed and I shook my head, “After how upset you were last night when you found out that I was pregnant the last thing I felt like doing was telling you that I had an appointment.”
Matt fell silent and the silence stayed in the room for a few moments as he turned off the bedroom light and walked to the opposite side of the bed. I felt the mattress sink slightly as he laid down on his back next to me, glancing over I could see that he was laying on his back.
“How far long are you?” His voice was soft and more gentle now.
“She said around twelve weeks.”
“Twelve weeks? Jesus...” He responded before quickly recovering, “You don’t look pregnant at all. I would have never thought...”
I looked down at my hands as I tangled my fingers together, “Yeah, me neither.”
Matt’s hand rested over mine, gently pulling my hands apart and intertwining my fingers with his, “You’re going to be an amazing mom. How are you feeling about this? Are you nervous at all?”
I looked over at him, squinting my eyes slightly at the darkness and I shrugged slightly, “I mean... I’m a little nervous. It doesn’t really feel real. You have this whole dad thing figured out already, this is new for me.”
I’ve seen how incredible Matt is with Thomas, he’s an amazing father but it worried me that I wouldn’t be good at this. Being a mother might not be something I’m good at no matter how hard I try.
“Hey, don’t think like that,” I felt Matt pull me into his arms and he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead before continuing to speak, “I was new to this at one point too. When Thomas was born it was an entire new challenge and I was hesitant to even pick him up. Allison, you’re going to be the most amazing mother to our child. I know it.”
I looked up at him, biting my lip gently as he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, “You think so?”
“I know it. You’re a loving, compassionate person and our baby is so fortunate to have you,” Matt took a deep breath as I snuggled up against his chest, “I want to be there, Allison. For every other appointment, anything else there is for the baby; I want to be there.”
My hand rested on Matt’s chest, feeling comforted by his embrace. His words were everything I’ve been wanting to hear since last night and even though it took him a day to realize it, I was happy that he did.
“I want you to be there, too.”
I could hear the soft sounds of Matt’s heart beat and it relaxed me more than I knew was even possible. The anger I had felt for him not so long ago had seemed to disappear and his warmth surrounded me, holding me in a cacoon that I never wanted to leave.
“I can’t apologize to you enough,” His lips moved against my hair, whispering softly, “Being stressed isn’t a reason to act the way that I did, but I can tell you this; our baby was made with all the love in the world. This wasn’t a mistake and I never want you to think that I don’t want kids with you, because I do. God, I do.”
I lifted my head slowly to look at him, unable to hide the small smile that had formed on my lips, “I really hope you mean that.”
“I do. Every single word.” He insisted.
My eyes locked on Matt’s as I smiled at him. The man that I barely knew less than a year ago who had stole my heart and taught me how to love for the first time. He swept me off my feet and gave me a family when my own family wouldn’t accept me, and now we were starting our own little family together.
“We’re having a baby,” I grinned at him, a giddy feeling overcoming me.
Matt and I skipped the small steps in out relationship and started taking huge leaps. There was no looking back, only hoping everything turned out as we wanted them to.