Sarge

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Red

It seems pretty good. But that bit about not having a gate in the wall. How about just that the children don't know where the gate is. I have heard that bit about not wanting the children to go to school. It sounds like the kind of thing people don't want children to do when they are not sure they can maintain their position if the children do go to school.

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Needs more research

This is a very interesting book. But it needs more research. For one thing you have your heroine riding a Clydesdale. Do you know what kind of a horse a Clydesdale is? They are draft horses, bread for strength, not for speed. They stand about 18 hands high, which translates to about 6'. That is at the withers, or shoulders. They are quite strong, but not very fast.

Other then that the book seems to be fascinating. I wish you much luck with it. But it does need just a little research.

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The Chronicler

His mother and him... should be: His mother and he...

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Renegades

I haven't even gotten through the first chapter and I notice some problems. The German peoples considered the Danish as other Arians. They too were considered to be part of the master race if they were pure Danish. So it is very likely that they would not have been treated nearly so bad as other groups, like the slovacks, the gypsies and of course the worst of all, the Jews. This author needs to do more research before this book will be any good.

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My Heart Bleeds

Kendra, my heart bleeds for you. I have had battles with depression all my life. I thank God that when I was a little girl he sent my a teacher who taught me that Jesus loves me. She made it come home too by teaching the little 4 year old girl that I was at the time that Jesus loved me so much that he would come down from heaven and sit beside me if I would just make a space for him and invite him to come down. I pray he does something like that for you too.

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Fastinating Story

This is a fascinating story, and I'm sorry there aren't more chapters ready. Thank-you for telling me that my critiques were helpful to you. I hope I was able to give some helpful suggestions too.

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This one has a lot of promise

Very good, it has a lot of promise.

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Actualy I like the book

Actually I like the book. Just one criticism. The word guardian does not describe what Williamson will be to the Lady. A guardian would make decisions about her lands, her finances, who she would marry, etc. I don't believe Williamson is supposed to do that at this point. Right now he is going to guard her. Better to stick to that for now.
Good luck with your book.

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Get to the emotional hook

It seems to be taking you a long time to get to the emotional hook which is at the heart of all good fiction writing. This sounds a lot like a science lecture more then anything. Why should we care what happens to this star. Were there planets at one time, were there people on those planets? Is there any possibility that what happened to them could happen to earth? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you need to get to that sooner.

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This is supposed to be poetry

This is supposed to be poetry, but it doesn't make it for me. It sounds like it was written by a child who doesn't know her grammar. For one thing the word shouldn't be cladded, it should be simply clad. What you are adding extra syllables to get the word to mean is what the word always meant in the first place. You need to do more homework to get this one right. .

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Poetry

I think you put this under the wrong genre. I think you wanted to enter is as poetry. On that basis, as poetry, it does kind of catch my interest. Next time double check that list. It does include poetry.

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Nice poetry

Nice poetry.

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One Little Correction

The word Morganatic, should be Morganite. I believe. That would make it like Charles's marriage to Camilla. That way if there were any children, Prince William and Prince Harry cannot be set aside in favor of their inheriting their father's place. Other then that, this promises to be a great story, in spite of the archaic language.

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Again I feel as though I finally found an adult

Thank-you Jesus, I finally found another adult. You understand what you are writing about and stick to it. I thought you used the word mist the wrong way, but they you explained it and it works. Great. I think this book is going to go far.

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I like it

Well I finally feel that I am writing this for an adult. I like it. I wish I had more time to give reading it right now. It has my interest. By the way I have been to some of those new age stores and brought meditation crystals. You're right, they have to call your name or they won't be any good for you.

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Made a Good Start

You've a good start, but you need to check your grammar. It sounds like Kim sent Fu the whole house. I suspect that she just sent information about the house. You need to be more clear about that. Also you say that Fu is 30 years old. But I can't help but feel that she is acting like a teenager. I know, now it takes a person a lot longer to grow up and learn a sense of responsibility. But come on, you're not 30, so how about making Fu your age. That is what you know and you'd be surprised how what you don't know will sneak up and bite ya.

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Boy, do I Remember

Boy do I remember those feelings. I think it helps that at one point you recognized that we were really talking about you. I've been there too. I've experienced Rage too, when you really do see red. There is one thing I have to tell you. There really is hope out there, even if you think there is not. There are a great many ways to do it, all you have to do is reach and I mean really reach.

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You Know Your Norse Mythology

I have to admit you know your Norse Mythology. But I really think you need research of some of the facts of your story.

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The Speaker

This is very interesting. But you say that your heroine is 17 years of age. Then you say, "Until she reaches that age..." What age? You need to say which age that is. You might want to set it for the age of majority for the state in which your heroine lives. Some have left 18 as the age of majority and some have made it 21. By the way, the age of majority is usually considered to be the age at which a person can legally vote.

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Dear Diary

This was fantastic. I had forgotten what it was like to be a teenager and to feel so alone. I felt very alone as a child since I was the only girl in the family. This brought back the feeling that I had of being the 'Queen of the Dorks'. By the way I wore glasses too and I know what it is like to be called 'four eyes'. I would like to see you expand this work.

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Jesse Weaver Mysteries- MyCyberLife.com

I feel like I'm writing a review for Sam Spade or Dashiel Hammett. Dashiel Hammett was an excellent mystery writer during the '20's and '30's. I think you could be every bit as good. I started reading this to learn about what teenagers and young adults might like to read. Lesson learned, thank-you. Please continue, this was great.

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Carpathia

I Found it distracting that you wrote this story in the future tense. I like writing science fiction too. I man set my stories in the future, but I write them in the past tense. Though the scene is the future, the action is already over when I finally get it all down on paper, or rather, in my computer. I suggest that you rewrite the story with this in mind. Stories may be set in the future, but they are almost always written in the past tense.

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I want My Tears Back

I think this story would be good if you knew the difference between was and were. In what I have seen so far, in every case where you used the word was, it should have been were. Get that straightened out and your book will be much better.

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This one/s for Mother Nature

I would say that it would be more effective if you cut down on the swearing and the use of foul language. the use of foul language has more effect if you use it sparingly rather then sprinkling it all over the place.

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Socks Are Meant for Feet

This particular poem was not that great. But I see a lot of potential here. I would suggest you read a book called "Sound and Sense" by Lawrence Perrine. I would also suggest that you read more poetry of the kind that you want to write. I am sure about the title of the book, I am not sure about the spelling of the author's name. It'll give you a lot of hints about how to read and write classic poetry as well as poetry of other genres. At any rate, please keep trying.

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Her Life

Goo should be good. It'll be much better if you actually finish your words. Goo reminds me of stuff that can be absolutely disgusting. I don't think that is what you mean here. If you mean goo to be something that is not disgusting, then you really need to see facial expressions. Those are not here. So finish the word.

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Traveller--Mr. Blue

Is this a series? Because I got the feeling that I came in in the middle of the action. I think this would be a very interesting series, but I really like to come in at the beginning.

A few words were clearly wrong. Shite in place of Shit. If you are swearing, it's shit: new which is the opposite of old should be knew meaning understood.

I think this is going to be a fascinating story. I like the touch of Dr. Who. But be carefull. A touch of Dr. Who is quite sufficient. Don't over do it.

Over all, I like it.

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I'm Never Babysitting My Nephew Again

Interesting story. I would like to see a lot more of it. What is the young ladies name? You might want to have her introduce herself In the first couple of pages. I should also warn you, it gets confusing if you mix up English units of measurement (the money) and American units of measurement (size of the TV). Pick one and stick to it.

Otherwise I think it's going to be a great book.

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Super Leg

This one is so funny, I don't know where to start. I was a Superman fan when I was a kid. But this is still great, magnificent, and hilarious. Loved it.

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In Her Wedding Dress

Is this a collection of Haiku? It looks like that too me. I love Haiku. It says so much with such an economy or words.

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Awesome Haunter Places in Canada

I really think this story will be great once you get it finished. May I suggest some research as to who the ghosts were supposed to be in real life. Among other things, are they true ghosts. My research has indicated to me that real ghosts do not do the same thing time after time after time. They are capable of knowing that there are people present there now that were not there before. They are also capable of trying to interact with those people. The other things may actually be memories of the buildings that are on the site of people who used to live there. I know I sound a little like a crack pot when I say those things, but my research indicates that it is possible. Talk to the people who claimed to have seen the ghosts.

Check out any writings that people who claimed to have seen those ghosts wrote. Talk about the traumatic events that may have happened to someone or to several people in those places. In my opinion that would make your book a #1 best seller in no time. I would love to read it again when it it finished.

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The Pirate and the Prostitute

Unfortunately she doesn't know much about what it takes to make a whore or about the clothing worn 200 years ago. Women wore chamises, that is true. But on the lower part of their bodies next to their skin they did not wear a skirt, but a sort of pantaloon. Then on top of that they wore the corset and on top of that a skirt and possibly a blouse. If she is working in a bordello as a waitress and a whore she would have worn the chamise, the pantaloons and the corset, not a skirt.

I have also done some research on what it takes to make a prostitute. They would most likely have had a place where she could be securely tied. There they would strip her naked and rape her many times. This would be done by the owner and quite possibly several of his male friends.

Likely they would consider this a side benefit of being a friend of his. It may take her a few days of being gang raped to be ready to be a prostitute. When that happened, then and only then would she be introduced to the rest of the girls and work in the bar serving drinks and servicing customers. Sorry, honey, but you need more research.

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