Gina Bull

United Kingdom

Gina Bull | 18 | Writer | Artist | I generally go by Lupus Incidus online. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/incidus_writes/

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Fantastic!

I really, really enjoyed this story! I was wary when I clicked on it, expecting another "girl falls for abusive boyfriend" trope but was pleasantly surprised by how genuinely sweet and kind Giovanni was. It was very fun to read, and the plot was something new and interesting I haven't really seen before at all.
My only issues, are that I think the story progressed a Little too fast. Onyx should have had more time to adjust, I think, before she suddenly fell for Giovanni and began to get intimate with him. Realistically, she would be so traumatised by her experiences that it would take at least a few months for her to truly feel comfortable again. Not only that, but she's been out of normal society for six years. She probably would have struggled a lot.
Also, I think the sex scenes were a little too erotic. I think they did definitely convey a feeling of love and closeness, but the way they were described made them slightly too lustful to truly feel like a scene that brought them closer together, but maybe that's just my personal opinion.
There are some grammar and spelling mistakes, but easily fixed!
Overall, I loved this story and thought it was pretty good from beginning to end c:

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Overall Rating
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Mediocre

It's a shame, really. Great grammar, great writing style, very skilled writing in fact, a promising plot....but it descends into the typical, smutty erotica porn, alpha male abuses his mate trope. It's sexist and demeaning and in no way romantic, and sadly entirely average as there are hundreds of stories that use the exact same trope. Please stop romantacising manipulative, abusive behaviour. Thank you.

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Overall Rating
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Average, but shows promise.

I'm going to be honest, even if it means being harsh.
The plot line is a cookie cutter story, that I've read before and has been done better. The typically flirtyassholebadboywithaheartofgold™ and the prissybitchygoodytwoshoesgirl™ hate each other but fall madly in love! It's been done before, it's boring, and it's not even realistic. There is nothing romantic about Drew's actions - he's constantly invading her personal space and basically sexually harassing and assaulting her because she isn't interested, yet somehow this is presented as an ideal, as attractive. Also, Megan is constantly called a bitch and a coward because she's sensible enough to not sleep around with the first hot guy she sees. This is a really annoying representation because it suggests that every and any girl with self worth who values herself and doesn't want to sleep around is somehow lesser. It's that really misogynistic "oh she's a prude" attitude and it's infuriating. Also, apparently Megan is the bitch character yet her sister and friends are constantly insensitive, pushy, cruel, gang up on others and don't give two shits about Megan's own wellbeing and feelings. I'd say they're the bitchy characters.

On the topic of the characters, they are also quite cookie cutter and plain. They feel flat, 2D, and so in line with the trope that I might as well be reading a "how to write a stereotypical romance, the example" book.
It's a shame, because your actual writing ability is really good. Your grammar and punctuation is near perfect and your style of switching perspectives, while it does have room for being refined, is very interesting and keeps the story flowing in a way you don't often see. Also, the first person has emotion in it which many authors fail to portray. You've done that really well and it could really shine, but an unoriginal story with an incredibly predictable plot line is sadly letting it down. At first glimpse, it seems like the story is there as an excuse to write lots of steamy moments. At second glance, it is clearly meant to be a story but it also becomes clearly generic. At third glance, we as readers are bored and looking for something new.

You show promise and I really think you could write something fantastic! But in order to do so I think you need to step away from the tropes and overdone storyline and create a genuinely unique, or mostly unique story that comes from your heart.

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Overall Rating
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Needs Work


Right... No offence intended, this is just constructive criticism from one author to another. I'll list the positives first. Your writing style is interesting, especially since you begin the story with second person "you see the girl". It surprised me and was the main reason I read further, because you don't see that style often. Your writing skill itself seems quite good, and the grammar is alright in most places! But... Sadly, here's the but. I think the first problem here is that your story is romantacising a relationship between a 17 year old and her teacher. From what I can tell, this story is set in America, meaning that the age of consent over there is usually about 18, making this pedophilia. Even if she is of the age of consent, romantacising a relationship between a teacher and student, or a man old enough to be a girl's father and the girl, is disturbing. There's nothing romantic about it, it's just creepy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is. Maybe lower the age of the men in her life to be much closer to her own age, or increase her age a lot. The second problem is more easily fixed, in that you don't seem to be proof reading. One of the characters' names keep changing, which is confusing, and there's a lot of spelling errors. The third problem is that I feel like there's a distinct lack of a story, or rather a reason for the main character to keep going. It feels like this story exists purely to create erotic moments, which in my opinion makes it not very appealing and kind of bland. Please don't be too upset, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that, I think if you change these things, you stand a much better chance of getting published.

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