Jonathan_Faurie

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The potential is there.

Hey there.

Looks like you have the backbone for a great story.

There is alot of information in the first chapter that I feel can be worked on:
- Give the back story to why the aliens came. Did they come for resources? Did they come to escape war on their planet? Were they provoked?
- Give the back story of the father and the mother. Why did she die, how did she die? what emotional trauma did it leave on the father? The exchange between the father and daughter regarding the bracelet suggests that there is a bit of trauma.
- Discuss the inferno programme in detail. What were the actions that led up to that point? Was there a battle, was there desperation? How did the Inferno programme affect other people? did they embrace it? was there resistance?

Sorry. I am a journalist. Some people feel that I am barking orders at them, but it really is an attempt to help. I know how writrers block is. You sit and look at your computer screen getting frustrated because you have this awesome story in your mind, but you cannot commit it to words. When I was writing my first book (not the one that is linked below) I used to mind map everything. Character development, my chapters, EVERYTHING. it gave me a bit of perspective and allowed me to connect the dots between my thoughts and what I wanted to write. https://app.mindmup.com/ is a free mind mapping site on the interweb that works great.

That aside, your writing is crisp and to the point. there is no waffling and you feel as if you can get engrossed in the story. I admire the fact that you can write in the first person. I cannot do that. All of my work is from the perspective of a narrator. its a bit of a pain at times.

Have a read of my story and tell me what you think. Any feedback would be appreciated.
https://www.inkitt.com/edit/108566?ref=v_fa4056e4-79a2-4567-8df2-42ff94abe4bb

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