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Overall Rating
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

It shows promise

For it being a second draft, It looks like it's coming together nicely. There are obvious grammatical errors, but ultimately, I forsee those not being that glaring of an issue.

Your pacing looks like it could use some work, as there's so much being crammed into a chapter that in one chapter I'm blustering through two paragraphs in one area, then spending a lengthy amount of time in another. While I understand the motivation behind changing scenery to keep the narration alive, you should consider slowing down a bit.

Oftentimes, conversations can be condensed into a paragraph, instead of a call-and-response function that plagues most screenplays. Remember that you're looking to build a rapport between characters or display a function within the plot, it helps to be a bit ambiguous in your character's motions while speaking, allow the reader to build the scene in their mind.

Overall, there's a great story here, and I can't wait to see what it looks like in the end, because you show huge promise as a writer. Just work on your pacing and grammar, and it will come together smoothly.

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