Ivor

Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Make magic happen

Not a bad effort. Story telling requires a feeling of flow. Characters and situations unraveling to tell a dramatic story. I noticed that much of your story is moved forward by dialogue. One needs to know about the character and situation by the actions of the main players. I found it hard to know who these people are, the language and names never connected me to them.

You need to put yourself into each scene, make it vivid, sometimes with descriptions other times with the characters actions and reactions. Too many "He said" and "She said" draw attention to the words, but not what is happening. I guess you can say that when you forget you are reading, and let the actions play like a movie in your head, you have succeeded in painting a scene and event.

I never felt at home in the world you painted. Keep writing,, analyze the drama in each scene and play it out for the reader. You have a basic understanding of building anticipation. We all knew the Mother was a fork-red. long before you spelled it out. Your big "reveals" should be like explanation points for the reader. Do not over do it.

Time, place and background are as important as characters. Think back about stories you read and liked, Dive deeper and see how the author did it.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Fine bedtime fare

I thoroughly enjoyed this little piece. I was Amused by the sitters ingenuity. The author might come up with a quest for the supporting cast, and continue the narrative and the plot hints. that make this story so charming,

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Great start

The one star for plot is simply because there is none to speak of, what is revealed is, a scene perhaps. This is not to downgrade Consciousness Evaded. It shows some fine writing form,

As noted, the narrative is sketchy, This is a fragment of what seems to be a much larger story. The Character and settings are well observed in the authors mind, and poetically stated. A stream of thought exposition. If all this sounds wordy, the bottom line is, Katelin has drawn the reader into a gritty but magical reality., one this reader would not mind exploring further. By all means continue.

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