Laura Heasley

A dialysis nurse working towards my bachelor's degree, but writing is my true passion :)

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Great start

This is off to a nice start, I am definitely curious about how the story progresses and how the characters will develop over time. There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, and some sentence structures could use some rewording or shortening. I would try explaining just a little bit more about Kali and her powers in the beginning. I get that you want to keep some mystery, but it was a little confusing with her and Dakki's relationship. I thought perhaps she was a necromantic, and instead, he turned out to be a dragon and she has poison powers. The same thing for that 'dragon' in the first chapter. At one point, you mention dragon, but then you mention a woman later one. Did it change shape? Is that an abilities dragons possess in your world? A little more backstory would be great so the reader doesn't get too confused.

Best of luck with everything!

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Emily Tual

While it wasn't a bad read, it didn't hook me very well. The lack of descriptions made it difficult to know where everything was. The repetitive words became very tedious, mainly the chosen one and the man with the German accent. There is nothing wrong with using Emily's full name every now and then. As for the man with the German accent, I get that you were keeping his name secret at first (I'm assuming Magician was his real name) but that especially got boring and lengthy after a while, especially when describing him and his men. The plot itself was interesting at first, and then I realized it was just one big circle. Emily gets kidnapped, tortured, the classic bad guy getting ready to kill her and is then stopped at the last minute, then rinse and repeat. I thought for sure when she was rescued by Gabriel and the others that it would have led to Emily learning more about the book or developing some sort of power or magic.

All in all, this has potential but needs some touching up first. Good luck with everything!

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Waves Break on Unknown Shores

As a fan of thrillers, this book was definitely better than I had expected. I had seen it on inkitt before and had skimmed it previously before finally deciding to give it a try. It took a while for the hook to really pull me into the story, and that was more so because of some of the character's personalities and witty humor, rather than the actual plot itself. As things got more intense, those feelings changed a little bit. It seemed more subtle than other thrillers I had read, but there was something about the author's writing style that pulled to me. The ending was very well done and cleaned up all the loose ties. Some grammar and punctuation issues here and there but they were very minor. All in all, this was a very nice read.

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Lovely

I'm usually not a fan of poetry but this was written really well. A nice read. I'm looking forward to reading more.

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Nice start

This definitely has the potential to become a good story. The grammar and punctuation was the biggest thing that kept sticking out. I would recommend a website like Grammarly.com or any other grammar website to proofread your work beforehand.

I think someone else mentioned this before, either in another review or a comment on one of the chapters, but there is a lack of detail. We don't know what Celeste looks like, or anyone else in the story. Especially when the King of Versailles is introduced, someone who is a main character to the story should be described in detail so that the readers can get an idea of who everyone looks like. Also, I would suggest adding a little more pondering in the 2nd chapter. We don't really know why Celeste would agree to be the protector or someone she hates who just slaughtered nearly everyone in her village. Maybe give a small amount of backstory now, just enough to keep the reader interested, and then unveil everything in later chapters? Just an idea.

Overall, this is an interesting plot, and I look forward to see how it improves! Good luck!

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Interesting

The idea of an older gentleman wishing to be young is not that uncommon but I like the way that you were able to make this a reality. Unfortunately, the grammar and punctuation issues make it difficult for me particularly to proceed properly but I will do my best. Also, nothing really flows properly. One minute he is in the dream, then he wakes up, only to go right back into the dream again. It seems very jumbled together, very rushed. Also, the way he goes from a wheelchair to a walker seems abrupt. If I'm understanding this correctly, it seems like every time he goes to the dreams, he wakes up a little healthier? If not, then the way he is wheelchair bound, then next thing you know he is walking with a walker is a little unrealistic, even for a fiction novel.

Also, in the second chapter, the whole scene where he is 'dying' but still 'alive' is very awkward and difficult to follow in my opinion. Something needs to be fixed in there so that it flows properly so readers can understand. Is he a ghost at that point? Is he watching this from a different perspective? It seems to me that one minute he is in the bathroom standing up, then the next, people are carrying him off in a body bag.

Those were just a few things that really stood out to me. This is a very interesting plot with lots of potential, but it also needs a lot of work as well. Best of luck with everything!

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Incredible!

Upon reading the blurb and seeing that it was about primates, my first thought was that it would be similar to Planet of the Apes. The monkeys and a serum created to enhance their intelligence are the only things that match. Everything else has completely spun off to something original and intriguing. The first chapter had me hooked and I unfortunately have to stop for the night, but I have made it up to chapter 6 and plan to continue tomorrow! The characters are all unique and I love the realistic romance between Laralee and Carl. I love how well you capture the emotions in each scene. I honestly don't know what else to say besides how wonderful it was. There's nothing I can find that I disliked. This is a wonderful story and I wish you the best of luck with the contest!

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So far so good

This has me intrigued, so I will definitely continue reading, but figured I would pause with the first two chapters for now. For the prologue, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was how often and repetitively used the phrase 'odd little man' to describe a person who I am assuming is the Grim Reaper in this story? While it is great to keep his identity a secret to the reader and entice them into diving into your story more, it is redundant. Maybe try using other characteristics to describe him? Also, I think it might flow better if you have John react to seeing his own dead body first before recognizing who the 'odd little man' is. Since this was a suicide, John already knew what he was planning to do when he stepped on that bridge.

For the first chapter, one big thing I noticed was the jumping back and forth between past and present writing style. The benefit is that it is an easy one to fix, though it may be tedious having to go back through entire chapters again. Aside from that, it is a very interesting concept, though I feel bad for Grafton at the end of that chapter. I'll definitely read more to find out what happens next. Good luck with everything!

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Has potential

I liked the idea of this but I feel like there was room for so much more development. It feels short and abrupt. This is your world where angels and demons exist, go to school like normal humans, and fall in love, but there's not much else we learn. We don't know anything about the setting or where they are. We don't get a lot of history about exactly why the angels and demons can't be together, or why it would start a war. Also, the whole love at first sight is a cliche. It would be much better if their relationship could be drawn out more, give the reader a chance to get to know each character and really root for them when they finally get together.

Good luck with everything!

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Needs a LOT of work

I'm very sorry, but unfortunately, this book just did not do it for me. A lot of the reasons I mentioned in some of my comments already, and I understand that you are having trouble with inkitt and editing what you have so far. That being said, this needs a LOT of work. There's is a lack of description in the characters and scenery that make it impossible to picture what is going on. You have so much dialogue but no action to back it up or support it so that it makes sense. Also, these are adults but they are talking like teenagers, using silly words like crud. The abilities that everyone possesses doesn't make sense either, even if they are a vampyre/witch. Speaking of, I would highly recommend coming up with your own word for that new breed of creature you want to make. Having just vampyre/witch is a little sloppy. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but that is the nicest way I feel that I can phrase it. The same goes for when you have the characters at the bar and have parts like Storm/Barbie. You don't really need the slash in there. It just doesn't go well.

You have times where it randomly jumps to third person that make the story confusing. I would recommend you either stick with third person entirely or first person. The protagonist is Thaddeus, so we shouldn't see writing like, "Millicent looked at Thaddeus with a smile". It doesn't work well.

I couldn't remember what the plot was and honestly found myself skimming nearly all chapters just to find the end where things get explained. While it was a nice twist with the former leader being the bad guy, nothing else seemed to be answered, in my opinion. That isn't always bad since this is part of a series, but there was so much going on that didn't make sense. What was the point of the kids being in charge of controlling everyone's clothes? And everyone's names seemed a little silly and made it difficult to take it seriously. I think I mentioned in one chapter where 30 characters were listed all at once and that it should be edited.

I would really recommend, if you haven't already, to make an outline for this book and what exactly you want to happen. It can help you organize your story more and cut certain things that are unnecessary. And definitely reading a variety of books, both on here or published books is a great chance to improve your writing.

Again, I am sorry if this is harsh, but this is my honest critique. If anything is unclear, I would be happy to answer any questions. I do wish you the best of luck with this book and your series!

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Has potential

This definitely has potential but things are just too perfect in this world. She shouldn't know how to fight after being stuck inside all her life, unless you want to say her parents were training her maybe? Same with learning how to fly after just getting her wings. Make her struggle a little, it helps her be relatable to your readers. I'll definitely continue reading since it is a work in progress.

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Evo-lved Citizens

As a fan of My Hero Academia, this story was difficult to read. It had several similarities to the popular anime, to which I felt which changing the wording slightly (Exemplars to heroes, Evos to Quirks and Rogues to villains) it felt more like fan fiction instead of original work. Especially with the characters. Aside from the plethora of them that pop up throughout the story--some that we never see again, which I would consider fixing someway--many of them are based on ones from the show itself. While they may not have the same name and appearance, the abilities and personalities are nearly identical to those from the show. At the same time, there are some characters that are definitely originally which I found I stuck to more than the others. I know I have mentioned this throughout so I won't delve too much more, aside from stressing the importance of making sure these characters really stretch out and become YOUR characters and stray away from MHA. I struggle with that with my work and the Harry Potter franchise, so I can empathize.

The plot is a little difficult to piece together. Based on the way the blurb is written, it leads me to believe we would have seen more of Gideon's past and him developing his new Evo. Instead, that is rushed over and we don't see much more of it. Same for Zephyr. With Gideon's new Evo and becoming his teacher, I thought we would have really seen more from the number one Exemplar but we don't see much from him after that either. Next thing you know, they are at a boarding school, which isn't bad, but I found myself thinking, "Okay, now what?". It didn't grip me as much as the beginning had the potential to do so.

You mentioned in one of your replies that you were attempting to perhaps merge Japanese and American culture into your story. It is an interesting idea but needs some adjusting to flow right. The back and forth between characters being referred to by either their last or first name made it very difficult to know who was who, only made worse by the amount of them. To me, it would be best to stick with one or the other, but you will do as you see fit for your story. If you are planning to do this, I would add some backstory in the beginning to explain that certain types of behaviors match their current society. Otherwise, it might be better to just have several different subcultures, like we do in real life.

The grammar and punctuation need work, but that is nothing a little proofreading won't fix. That being said, this does have the chance to be a great novel. My Hero Academia is popular as anime, so a novel based off it has the possibility to do the same, as not everyone who reads it will be a fan like I am. I actually think we would probably get along fairly well, since we seem to have similar tastes. I have left a lot of my thoughts in the comments, but I am always happy to answer any questions if things don't make sense. I wish you the best of luck with your possible publication offers and will definitely be eager to read the sequel! :)

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Nicely done

This was definitely more interesting than I thought it would have been. The beginning started off with such a hook that it kept me interested but then some chapters seemed to be slower than others. I wish there had been more scenes with Neal and Sophia like the one in the painting room. That, to me, was the first sign of romance, really. Otherwise it seemed a little like his feelings came out of nowhere. The twists were well placed, leaving me thinking one way and having it wind up the other way. The ending was vague enough to definitely warrant a sequel, which I will be more than happy to read also.

All in all this was a pleasant read.

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Interesting

For my first time reading a Christian book, this wasn't half bad. I grew up Catholic myself and even had times where I didn't go to church as often, so I found it easy to relate to some of the characters. That being said, I felt like the plot was a little anticlimactic. While the visions changed over throughout the novel, it seemed like that was the only part that made it seem like a thriller. To be honest, it got a little boring after awhile. The grammar, spelling, and punctuation need a touch-up. And, while I get that this is a Christian novel, it does seem odd that Tyler would assume everyone goes to church and try to get people to go all the time. I feel like it would be better to try a different approach first, instead of just diving right into the Bible.

Stiill, that's just my opinion. Overall, this wasn't a bad read.

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Needs Work

From what I have read so far, it seems like this could have potential but it needs a lot of cleaning up. Several chapters were confusing. I left you comments with some suggestions to try and help things flow better and make more sense.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will follow through on your promise and review my work!

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Not bad

Out of the 6 chapters that I have read so far, it is not bad. I haven't read that many werewolf novels so I am still a little new. Grammar definitely needs some touchup.

To me, the prologue seems a little unnecessary. It threw me off also because, by the time I got to the next chapter, it had switched to first-person perspective, rather than 3rd person perspective. Nothing wrong with that, except I had no clue who the narrator was at first. I thought it was Logan, in the beginning. I'm guessing it's to let the reader know who is who among the pack. However, if Rosetta learns about it later on, it seems like it would be easier to just scratch the prologue, especially since it is the same scene we witness through her eyes later on.

Speaking of the pack, I understand that it is important to identify who is the Alpha, Beta, Luna, etc. At the same time, physically calling them those terms as nicknames seems odd. Especially if this is part of some esoteric secret, calling someone Alpha instead of their actual name seems like it would be more likely to let things slip. Basically, the pack should know who is Alpha and Beta without having to actually call them that.

I have a lot of other notes that I took down through these chapters, but I'll try to stick with the main ones. When the car crash happens, Rosetta blacked out before the car impacted anything. That, to me, seems a little unrealistic. Does she hit the airbag and then get knocked out? Or does it fail to deploy and she hits the steering wheel? Same thing for when they wake up. There's not a whole lot of description after the fact. Is there any bleeding? Are her ears ringing? Is she dazed and confused? Even though the car is on its side, Rosetta has to escape through the sunroof? What about the other door? Is that how Dylan got out? Also, once she gets out and calls Val for help, even though she is bleeding, she just forgets about it. Obviously, heat is important, but so is bleeding out. Maybe just add in a line where she keeps one hand on her forehead for pressure or something? Also, with her minor injuries, rest is important, but why is she in a wheelchair? She doesn't appear to be limping or have any sprained/broken ankles. It seems unnecessary.

In chapter 3, when Dylan and Jordan are fighting, you use the term 'deadpanned' when Dylan is yelling at him. Deadpanned is more saying something humorous but in a serious manner.

In chapter 4, the chaos of breakfast time is interrupted when Caleb strides in and doesn't resume until he speaks. I understand again that he is the Alpha, but that seems off to me. And, even though she admits that Logan is hot, Rosetta expresses disdain for him immediately. Some people might get flattered. Is there a reason she gets agitated, or is it the classic hard-to-get style? Learning more about Rosetta might make it a little easier.

With chapter 5, when CeCe is introduced, you have the line "Eyes widened when I noticed her scar..." mentioned once, but then is repeated only a few sentences later. And, I would try and give a little more explanation as to why she is so adamant in the beginning about not going on a date with Logan.

And, even though it is winter, the snow melts enough for a picnic. Are they in the middle of winter, or is it closer to spring? The latter might make a little more sense for that scene, even if it was a nice day out. When Rosetta learns about Logan's parents, she drops her sandwich in shock, but then never picks it up again for the remainder of the picnic. Maybe lace that in there somehow, saying she once she recovered from the initial shock? Or, oppositely, say that hearing about their death made her lose her appetite. And, you have her brush off 'invisible dust' when they are leaving. While I get what you mean, the invisible dust seems odd. If she is outside, how about she brushes off some snow? Or, since they were leaving hastily with a wolf, I would worry less about what was on my clothes and be more in a rush to get away.

After everything that happened, the nonchalance with which Val reveals the big family secret is a little unrealistic. For something that has been kept quiet for several years, only to be so casually talked about after a little run in with a wolf doesn't seem right. It goes from "Super secret, can't tell you." to "Oh, hey, this is Caleb, my werewolf fiance". I'm struggling with this in my story as well, but I would try to make it more serious. Maybe have them wait until they get back to the mansion to explain?

Sorry if this is a little long, but I hope it helps! Good luck with everything!!

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Hooked!

From the start of the first chapter, I was glued to this story. Your writing style is very unique and the start of the first chapter was perfect to draw the reader in. Though I don't know a lot about Siofra yet, I am curious to learn more and see how she develops.

The first chapter, however, is very long. According to the app, it is just shy under thirty pages. In my opinion, I would consider shortening it. Some of the paragraphs are long as well. The way the blend with the speaking is okay sometimes but it can be a little tricky to follow. A few grammar mistakes here and there but nothing too bad.

The "tick" mentioned in Chapter 1 regarding the warden's facial expression should be 'tic'.

There's a good bit of showing in here which is always difficult and in some cases can't be avoided. Especially with the warden when you describe him as someone who carries himself confidently. Is his chest puffed out? Is he smirking or wearing a smug impression? Something along those lines.

I loved the story with the three children, though it is sometimes confusing to tell who is speaking. Also, in one of the memories you describe Aleta being able to 'move across the room in a flash', but in the following one, a year or two later, Noline is defending Aleta for 'not knowing how to walk'. I understand that Aleta is deaf, but is there another condition that affects her mobility?

The second chapter was also really well done, though the way the warden died seemed odd. Was the warden threatening his own captain of the guard to get back the music box and mirror? Or is that supposed to be someone part of the group that is rescuing Siofra? I do understand that some type of portal seemed to appear to change the direction of the blade, but the sentences following it are confusing. Who is the young man the warden is staring at? Is it the one he was just threatening? Or was he looked at Sio/Siofra?

Also, there are certain things mentioned in the third chapter that we don't know anything about (Raziel, Siorth). Based on context clues, I'm guessing that Raziel is perhaps the name Siofra and the others are acting under? Like a mercenary or vigilante group? A Siorth seems to be some kind of monster or demon, but Siofra refuses to talk about it for some reason. Also, with Imani without her ability to speak, does she do the signing or any form of communication?

I loved the relationships between Siofra and her other friends, especially Dorian. I did also like the fighting match at the end. I always feel like I struggle with them, since I have read so many other examples that use short, simple sentences. At the same time, sometimes longer ones are necessary to describe certain martial arts moves, like that leg trap.

Sorry I rambled for a bit. I will definitely be coming back to this story and continue reading. Best of luck with everything!!

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Great for younger audience

This book is off to a slow start but is capable of pulling readers in and keeping them hooked, especially for younger readers. The style is easy to read and follow. There are some grammar issues here and there, as well as some redundancies. A few of the character reactions to certain things doesn't seem very realistic, such as the fight in the gym and the coach stumbling upon Jake wrestling another student. Even if Jake is a talented wrestler that he wants on the team, there should be more of a scolding involved.

Only other thing that bugged me was the mentioning of the words 'ass'. The way it is written "a--" threw me off, because it first implied that the person speaking was being cut off, or perhaps searching for a different word to use. Whether that was intentional by the author or part of inkitt's system, I do not know. I would suggest fixing that so that it doesn't confuse the reader.

Lastly, the title of the book and the cover both mention that this is book one of a series, but then books two and three are included as other chapters. I would suggest either combining all three into one large book or separating them properly.

All in all I thought this was an interesting novel for younger audiences to enjoy, but does still need some work.

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Interesting but needs work

This is a nice plot, different from anything I've read, but it does need some work. First off, focus on describing more--the characters, the scenery, everything. All we know is that William has blond hair, and we don't even know what the rest of the characters look like. What does Annabeth look like? Or Eleanor, especially considering she seems to be a main character of the story.

Also, the prologue seems a little redundant and a bit of a spoiler. Knowing that William already wins the Quest is like reading the ending of a book first. Everything is explained in the prologue and then repeated again in the first chapter. I would either rewrite the prologue or just cut it entirely.

William gets a letter saying the Choosing is in two days, but he already knows he is going to be picked? Then what is the point of the Choosing?

Give a little backstory information on certain things. How does magic work? What is the source of it? Can everyone do it or only certain people? Usually magic in this timeframe would lead to witch trials and wasn't something that was accepted.

Also, King Edward explains everything about the Quest and everyone just goes along with it. No one asks any questions or even complains. It isn't very realistic. I understand that he wants a son as a successor, but in that time there were cases where the King would blame the wife for not bearing any sons and kill her before getting a new one in order to have a proper son. So why didn't Edward do that? What made him decide to launch this Quest, aside from him being old and dying?

There is a lot of showing instead of telling. Like the key for example. Try something like "The key burned into his palm, a startling contrast to its icy blue design".

You switch between past and present tense frequently also.

The answer to the Sphynx's second riddle doesn't really make sense, and there is no real follow up answer to explain it further.

William and Eleanor disappear into what seems to be a magic mirror and find another person on the other side, but don't question it at all? That also seems unrealistic. That, and with how quickly they forget about him instead of pondering it further. I know I was wondering what he was doing there.

There's a lot of other notes I thought of while reading, but I figured this was a good amount for now.

Again, this is a nice read but needs a lot of polishing. Best of luck with everything!

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This is great!

This is a very interesting novel so far and I definitely can't wait to see the development with your unique characters. You do a very nice job with giving each of them different personalities and backstories. The only thing that threw me off a little was that this story takes place in the distant future, which makes me wonder just how far off in the future it is. The characters and setting seem like they are more in a medieval style of living with Kings and little technology, but then they jump ahead to having a dash on their forearms. It makes it a little difficult to keep up with exactly what technology they have or don't have, despite this being in the distant future.

Aside from that--and again, that's just my opinion--this is an awesome story and I am definitely going to keep reading. Great job!

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Swap for The Fire Seal

Well, this has an interesting start, but it needs a lot of work. To start, the first chapter was written mostly in present tense, with a few mix ups here and there. However, the following chapters were written in past tense. It's imperative you pick one style of writing and stick with it so it doesn't come off as lazy or sloppy. After that, you need to work on having things flow smoothly. A lot of the dialogue seems jumbled and jumps from one thing to the next. There is not a lot of transition or reaction really. For example, when Micah and Summer break up, even if she was hoping for it, nothing else happens. He just says one sentence and then she just runs off and it ends abruptly. That seems to be a common issue is that things are so abrupt and jumping from one thing to the next.

Best of luck with everything!

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Chapter 1

It's not a bad start but there's a lot of room for growth and development. For one thing, there's no real description of anything. Not the characters or the scenery. I can't picture what anything look like, so it makes it difficult to get involved in the story. Also, with everything happening to Mike, he's not nearly as puzzled and reactive as I expected. One big thing that stuck out was when he barreled outside the school bus while it was still driving. That thing isn't normal by any means but rather than showing any reactions, say like, from the bus driver, it skips ahead to a different scene. It's best to make things as realistic as possible. Also, even if Mike is a fan of scifi and other supernatural events, the fact that he just believes everything like that is a little unrealistic.

Again, it's not a bad start but it has some work to do. Good luck with everything!

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