I used to be able to feel. I used to know what it’s like to miss someone, to love someone, to be loved, to be happy and sad and excited. I used to love how the wind streaming through my rolled down window in the car felt as it flowed through my hair, whipping it in my face and making me laugh. It was ecstatic, an amazing feeling that made me feel more alive than ever. Hugs. Hugs always made me feel loved and care for, especially when they were given by my mother. Her hugs were the best, always so warm and soft. I used know what it felt like to have friends, friends who are simply just the best. Friends where you can always be yourself, make silly jokes and laugh together in fits of giggles rolling around on the ground. Those were the moments I lived for.
Now? Now I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt something other than the deep pit of emptiness that always seems to swallow me whole. Now, the wind that comes throw my open window always feels so cold. Now, I don’t remember the last time I received a hug from my mother, or anyone at all. It’s not like I yearn for one anymore anyways. Now, the only way I am able to stand being around my so called ‘friends,’ is by being what they expect me to be. What society expects me to be. Somewhere along the way of becoming a young adult, I became lost, and I haven’t been found since. I don’t want to find myself for I am too afraid of what might be found. Will the same me from before still be alive? Will she be different? Older? Wiser? Even more ignorant than how I used to be?
I don’t want to find out. I’m okay with being what the world expects a young adult to be. Happy, funny, popular, sexually active, hot, social, etc. I’m okay with hanging around my dumb friends (not like I’ll ever say that out loud), and to be dumb with them. I’ve come to recognize the looks always being passed around in the world I’m growing up in. I’ve come to know when something is socially accepted or not based solely on the looks I received starting in the beginning of middle school. Middle school. It’s sad, if you really think about it. We’re talking about middle school, a place where kids are being transformed into young adults, a place where kids are supposed to figure out who they wanna be.
In middle school, I got high for the first time, even though I didn’t want to. It was all those damn looks. You know the look? When you tell someone you haven’t done what most people have done, and they give you that ′what the fuck is wrong with you?′ look? Yea, I used to be familiar with that look. Let me tell you something, I fucking hated it. But now I wish I didn’t let it bother me so much. If I had just ignored it, just ignored them, I would probably be enjoying myself right now. I probably would be enjoying life right now.
But I can’t seem to just fucking feel for anything anymore. All that matters is that I’m cool, right? That I’m hanging out with the cool kids, that society accepts me? Yes, that’s all that matters. To me, anyway.
“Hello? Earth to Wren?” I blinked at the hand waving in front of my face as I zoned in on Kenna’s make-up caked face. I guess she would be pretty if she wasn’t wearing so much makeup. She was your typical barbie doll, thick and lush blonde hair, heart-shaped face with big blue eyes and plump pink lips. She had her blonde hair curled and let loose all the way down past her waist with a pink headband that had a big bow to complete the look. Her eyebrows perfectly done with over exaggerated eye shadow look with a thick line of eyeliner, fake lashes that are way too obvious, and a whole lot of blush and pink lip gloss.
It was tough to keep looking at her, really. I’d like to think though, that her personality makes up for it once you get to know her.
“Wren!” She screeched, hands slamming on the table. I flinched back and stared at her slightly shocked.
I know it is only false hope. Everything about her is awful.
“Sorry, sorry.” I apologized, not meaning a single word that flew out of my mouth. I didn’t really have to think too hard about what lies I should say next. I’ve been mastering my mask for so long, it’s become a natural habit. “I was just spacing out. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Her agitated expression slowly morphed into a smug one as she wiggled her eyebrows at me. “Oh? Was Alex keeping you up last night?”
I tasted a little bit of throw up in my mouth but I covered up my gag with a little giggle. Alex was my boyfriend. We got together last year, in our high school senior year, and somehow we’re still going. Alex was our high school jock, the popular bad boy who was the captain of the football team and the one who was the supplier for our every weekend group session. And by that I mean he was the one who got us marijuana, shrooms, alcohol, and what ever illegal substance our dumbasses are craving that weekend. We got together in the same hideout every time, sat in a circle and passed around a joint as we talked about endless shit. It was the only time I actually felt carefree.
We still do it.
“Alex?” I smiled and shook my head. “No, not last night. We haven’t spoken much lately. He’s been busy.” Busy with fucking other females behind my back but I don’t care enough to mention it. I slightly narrowed my eyes at Kenna. I know she’ fucks with him too. She’s not the only one with connections.
“Oooh, how come?” She asked, blinking up at me with her innocent blue eyes. I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
“Who knows.” You do.
She sighed and only shrugged, pulling out her phone and tapping away. I stared at her, amazed at how she could go from looking so intrigued about another persons life to not giving a shit the next. It’s like I was staring at myself. I blinked and looked away, chuckling bitterly to myself as I pulled out my phone. I chose to be this way, I shouldn’t be wishing I wasn’t.
Kenna suddenly spoke without looking up. “You coming to the sesh next week?”
I scoffed. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Okay good. I invited Cole. You remember him right?” She said as she looked up to see my reaction. I opened my mouth to answer her but before I could, the waitress came up to our table looking as miserable as I felt. She had deep prominent bags underneath her dull eyes and was slightly hunched over. Despite how tired she looks, she lifted her chin up and smiled at us kindly.
“Good evening ladies, I’m Alice and I’ll be your waitress this evening. Could I start you off with some beverages?” She asked kindly, pulling out a pen and notepad. I stared at her, pursing my lips. She was young a beautiful. Dark brown hair pulled back into a low messy bun, big doe eyes and and radiant smile.
Her eyes were dull, not as bright as they used to be. The bags underneath her eyes indicate lack of sleep and the wrinkles already forming on her forehead gives away her exhaustion. It was saddening, really. How she tries her best to cover up how she really feels by putting on a smile, trying to fool us. Although, despite her exhaustion she keeps going. That is something I will always admire about people.
Something I can never seem to find in myself.
“Um, I want a strawberry banana smoothie.” Kenna said, closing the menu and pulling out her phone without even looking up. I rolled my eyes and smiled up at Alice.
“Can I get the Green Apple fizz, please?” I asked. She smiled and nodded as she scribbled our orders down in the notepad.
“Yup! I’ll be right back with those.” She said before smiling at us one more time and excusing herself. As I watched her leave, my eyes accidentally caught a pair of deep dark brown eyes that were already looking at me. Time seemed to stand still as I stared at him, wide eyed and shocked. Shocked why? I don’t know. Maybe I was shocked by the amount of adrenaline that rushed through me when our eyes connected, or shocked on why wherever his deep dark pools for eyes landed on me, my skin seemed to burn and tingle with a shuddering amount of pleasure. His eyes burned with something darkly unfamiliar and by just examining him I could tell he was someone I did not want to mess with. His whole profile screamed ′danger danger!′
I could faintly hear Kenna talking to me, but as if I’ve been dunked under a steaming pot of water, her voice was muffled by the ringing in my ears. Everything around me went into blur but the perilously handsome man sitting across the Olive Garden restaurant. If I was a camera, he was my focal point and judging by the fact that he hasn't looked away yet for even a second, I was his.
He was the most delicious piece of eye candy I've ever seen. Everything about him was dark and shady expect for the contrast of his fare but smooth skin complexion. His hair was black but looked as smooth as silk, curling in waves on the top of his head as some strands fell in his face and curled around his ears. He had two perfect black eyebrows, one had a two black eyebrow piercings, that laid just above the shadow of his dark eyes that held me captive. His face was angular, line with a sharp jawline that was connected with the best looking neck I've ever seen. I didn't miss the black stud earrings he had, or the lip ring hooped around his full bottom lip that had me subconsciously licking my lips.
He wore all black clothing. Black leather jacket, black fitting shirt, black washed out jeans and black combat boots. Underneath his clothes though, I could tell he was ripped. His body was big and lean, but it was all muscle. Even though his profile looked real edgy, somehow he pulled it off by looking like the sexiest man on Earth.
His eyes, still on me, shifted and went several shades darker as he eyed my body from head to toe. My heartbeat increased, thudding in my chest one hundred miles per hour as my cheeks turned red. My body burned and the wetness pooling between my thighs had me squeezing them together. Just by looking at me, this man had me melting in a sinful way.
I jumped up, my mind being ripped away from the feeling he was giving me when a hard and painful kick hit my shin. I snapped my gaze towards Kenna, who was giving me the 'what the fuck?!' look, and gave her one back.
That hurt like a bitch.
Storing the guy across the restaurant in the back of my mind, I gaped at Kenna angrily. "What the hell was that for?" I pulled my leg up and examined the place where she kicked it and started to rub away the dull pain that stung.
"You weren't paying attention. I called your name like, a thousand times!" She complained, her big blue eyes angry. I stared at her, second guessing my choice to go out with her for the tenth time. It was amazing how she still had friends.
Oh wait, I don't think I should call them friends. More like followers. I wasn't ashamed to say I am one of them, but now I wished I didn't follow her in the first place. I sighed and closed my eyes, breathing in deeply before exhaling slowly, reminding myself that it doesn't matter what I think or how I feel. All that matters is that I be what they expect. Kenna expects me to be her loyal follower, even if she knows that's the case or not. If I decided to be myself, whoever that is, around her, she'd drop me the second she saw me.
Be nice, play it off. Don't show her how much shits you could never give.
I opened my eyes, putting on my usual ever-changing mask and smiled at her. "Sorry. Like I said, I haven't been getting enough sleep."
She stared at me for a moment, eyes scanning my face before she rolled her eyes. "Whatever. So as I was saying-"
"Alright ladies! I got you your Shirley Temple-!" Alice, who popped up out of nowhere, not knowing that Kenna was talking and accidentally cut her off, was rudely cut off by Kenna who was sending daggers at her.
"Could you kindly FUCK off?!" Kenna yelled, showing the world all her anger issues and low self-esteem that she tries so hard to keep hidden.
I clenched my jaw, slightly embarrassed to be seen hanging out with a lunatic. On their own, my eyes drifted past the waitress and met the eyes of the Sexy Edge Lord, my cheeks burning with more embarrassment to find him watching the whole scenario. He turned and murmured something to a girl clinging on his shoulder and she giggled. My eyes widened as I watched. How was I so completely absorbed in him that I didn't even notice the stunningly beautiful woman sitting to his right? She wore a red velvet skin tight dress that showed an immense amount of cleavage (a little too formal for Olive Garden, don't you think?), her auburn hair slicked back and freely flowed over her shoulder and had her makeup done perfectly to cover her flaws, if she even had any. My embarrassment was long gone and instead replace by an unexpected amount of envy and jealousy, so much that it shocked myself. It coursed through my veins like sickly lava and had my stomach churning with something unrecognizable.
Why am I getting so jealous over someone I didn't even know? I stared a little longer, not meaning to glare at her polished claws clinging onto his leather jacket. One part of me wished I could go over there and throw her off him, yet the other part of me wish I was her. Sitting there, looking as stunning as a goddess, and being able to touch and laugh with the Sexy Edge Lord. I was so caught up in my jealousy and envy that I didn't realize the argument going on right in front of me, or that Sexy Edge Lord (that's his new name), was now staring at me with an unreadable expression.
My eyes widened and my cheeks burned, embarrassed to be caught staring at them and looked away. I tuned back into Kenna and Alice, who were glaring angrily at each other. Kenna suddenly stood up, grabbing her pink bag next to her and the Shirley Temple drink sitting on the tray being held up by Alice. Alice went to protest but Kenna, now looking at me, spoke up first.
"Lets go. I'm not sitting here in this garbage restaurant with shitty staff a second longer." She barged past Alice, who still had the tray with my drink on it, and left without looking back. Alice lost her balance because of Kenna and tipped over, falling on the ground with a muffled 'thump.' I watched in shock as my green drink spill all over Alice's chest and on the floor before she even hit the ground.
The room full of chatter went silent.