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Melody's Song

By Amber Walker All Rights Reserved ©

Romance / Drama

Blurb

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I use to not be. I used to think I couldn't exist without him, but I learned how to. I learned how to become the desert without rain. I adapted to live without him. I learned to bury everything we had six feet deep so it would never surface again... but when it came to him... Genesis Jones. My life. My heart. It was all too easy for those feelings to resurface. I can't help but let him tear me apart again. I can't help but let him walk back into my life like nothing happened. I can't help but let those feelings resurface no matter how much he hurt me. No matter how much he tore me apart. I just hope this time when he tears me apart... it's a lot more gently... For our daughters sake - the daughter he knows nothing about - I hope he tears me apart more gently.

Intro

I am pretending you did not exist. Ink nightly washes black over my consciousness and abandons me as morning seaweed upon a foreign beach. I am pretending we were simply the sparkling imagination of some higher being, our life together set below a singular epic sky unrepeated in future histories. I am pretending I cannot taste you each day as I do the sea air in my breath when I am running, my heart tied upon one foot, ancient melancholy tied upon the other, anxiously racing, madly racing through lifetimes, to find our brightened souls. I see you in colors that don’t exist. It is all that I see clearly. and why I run.

-Paul Matsumoto


Then

Genesis - 22 years old

-

For just a moment, the briefest of moments, I swore I saw her eyes. Through the crowd of thousands of people I swore I saw her, but she couldn’t be there. Out there among the endless crowd. She would never come all the way to New York after what I did to her. I’d be lucky to even ever get a glance of her after everything.

I try to clear my head, shake the idea out because how could I possibly see her up on stage? How could I even see her amber colored eyes - that make me fall to my knees - through the shining lights?

It’s just the drugs, I try to tell myself, You’re just hallucinating.

I hear Brandon call to me and I wobble but quickly find my balance. Grabbing the stand I smile wide out to the audience forgetting all about the playlist that’s set by the label. Tonight I don’t care, tonight I just want to let out something other than her song that I wrote for her all those years ago that we would be playing next.

Fuck the song. Fuck the label.

“How about a cover song!?” I scream out to the audience. The crowd goes crazy and my other band mates shot me concerned looks then share the same looks with each other.

I roll my eyes and turn pointing to each one of them, “You guys don’t have to worry this is all me,” turning back to the audience. “I don’t do cover songs often, and probably won’t for awhile, but I’ve been on a Blue October kick lately,” several from the audience scream just adding to my atmosphere, “So you guys know them?!” There’s more screams and I laugh strumming on my guitar, “Well, then here’s Hate Me by Blue October.”

I begin to strum letting my mind slip as the words flow to me easily. The words that seem to be the story of my life lately. Before I close my eyes I swear I see her eyes again just making singing this song even harder.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

They’re crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There’s a burning in my pride,

A nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you

Slowly the others join in strumming and tapping on the drums. I turn to them smiling as I continue to sing the next verse.

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me

Just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

The crowd joins in singing with me making the song feel heavier on my shoulders.

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for three whole months,

I can’t help but laugh/sing that line because it’s more been months since I was sober.

It’s one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart

Is the one thing I won’t touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you

For holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself,

You were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions

On things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself

When it was way too hard to take

So I’ll drive so fucking far away

That I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart

To leave me behind

Hate me today

I point the mic towards the audience and swing my guitar behind my back. I let them sing the next several lines. I walk across the stage trying harder than before to smile, but it was becoming harder.

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

The crowd singing swells me with pride. I pick back up putting a little piece of myself into the song.

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street

For every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy,

I never was a man

Until I saw your amber eyes crying,

I can hear the audience falter but I don’t care moving on with the song.

And I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling,

“make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back

And shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered,

“How can you do this to me?”

I have to pause letting the other guys continue playing and when they come back around I start back singing with a shaky, uneven voice.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

For you

For you

For you

I drag the end outpouring what’s left of my heart and soul into the song. The arena is quiet and I wonder for a brief moment if they can feel my pain. The anguish that’s multiplied I’ve been holding in for four months. I’d heard once time heals wounds but they’re just cutting deeper and deeper with each sip of alcohol or each hit of whatever drug I’m taking to help numb it all.

When I open my eyes I know the audience doesn’t feel my pain because they explode in a roar of cheers and encores. I look out to each of their screaming faces and frown because I swear I see her eyes again. I see they’re rimmed in red shattering my heart.

I don’t say anything, no goodbyes, no thank yous, I just walk off stage and throw my guitar at the nearest wall once I’m out of sight of the audience.

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