Delhi Mental Asylum
I sat in my ward, sniffing and cursing my fate. I should’ve died the same day mom did, at least could’ve saved myself from this pain. Oh mom, I miss your warmth so much. Till this day, I’d never let your absence bother me. Whenever I was upset or troubled, your voice soothed me and assured that you will always be in my heart. But now, I feel so wrong. I miss your smile, your touch, your fingers running through my hair, washing away all my tiredness and problems, lulling me into a dreamless sleep.
When I met him, things changed. He was my savoir, my anchor. I trusted him more than anyone and held his hand in the dark. But did he have to push me off a dark cliff during the cold night and move on?
He crushed my soul and heart. Now that I’d left, he would be happy and relieved. He would no longer see me cry. He will never see me smiling or my ugly face. I will never bother him again.
This loneliness swallowed me whole. I am disgusted with myself and want it to end. His rejection has made me worthless. I ache all over. The bite marks on my shoulders, stomach and chest make me throw up every time I look at them. I die every moment, feeling those ugly scars on my skin. They remind me of how pathetic, weak and useless I am. There is no way in hell, I will let them succeed for trapping me in this cage. If only he was here, standing with me.
I thought of his heart fluttering smile one last time.
Halting my thoughts and removing the IV from my hand, I reached for a sharp piece of mirror under my pillow. Today I got it by breaking the one in washroom and then hid it under my sleeve. They severely punished me for breaking their precious mirror and gave me electric shock treatment. Later when I woke up, I found myself naked, only covered by a thin sheet. There was soreness between my legs. It had happened 3 times before but, like always, I didn’t cry this time or even scream, instead a victorious smile appeared on my lips. I had managed to slip out that mirror piece. Soon all this will come to a halt.
Grabbing the piece in my trembling hands, I brought it close to my wrist and bit my lip which was quivering, threatening to let out a sob. Tears streamed from my eyes. Never in my worst nightmare had I ever thought of finishing myself. I wasn’t a coward. I was a star in my mother’s eyes and the pride of my brother. But life hasn’t left me any choice.
If only he gave me a chance to prove myself and believed me once, then things would’ve been different.
I tightened my hold on the sharp piece and made a deep cut on my right wrist gulping the pain down. It was nothing compared to what I had felt so far. Then, I repeated the action with my left wrist. This time, I sobbed. I sobbed over my decision. I wasn’t a coward, but he didn’t give me any choice.
Now, no one would touch me. I wouldn’t hear those sinister laughs anymore. I will leave him alone.
Leave him alone to enjoy the Music of my Silence.
Sobbing lightly, I walked towards the small window of my room that was only connection to the outer world. The moonlight coming from it illuminated entire room and I sat beside it. Thinking about him and mom, I slipped into darkness as a bout of nausea hit me.