It’s been four years since his passing, although it feels like a day since we first met. It’s still hard to believe that he is no longer with me. No longer here to cuddle with, to get frustrated at and no longer here to share the most intimate moments with. My heart still yearns to feel his skin against mine, to hear his heartbeat again. Everyone expects me to move on but how can I go on living in that house of memories. That place where we shared our most intimate moments with each other.
For days after it happened, it felt as though my world was crashing, as if the sky would turn to darkness and the earth would open and I would not stop myself from being swallowed in this time. Yes … this time. This feeling happened once before, but he changed my life. Now it returns because of him. His name was David. And we were meant to be together. We did everything together; we had so much in common. . .
It’s been a while since I have spoken to his family; sort of shut them out of my life. I thought that would help. Thought it would be best, for me to move on. Now I sit here reminiscing of that true love, which changed my life in more ways than one. Wishing he would call and I could hear his voice, wishing he would come through that door and embrace me saying he loves me.
Wishful thinking is what I call it.
Then my cellphone rings. My thoughts rudely interrupted by the annoying sound of my ringtone. “Hello”, I answer, clearing my throat. “Hello Alexis, it’s been a while.” This voice stabs me in the heart like an arrow being shot through it. “It’s me Dash, I’ve been meaning to call you for a while, but couldn’t get myself to do it,” he says. I must be dreaming, as I never thought that he would be the one to contact me, after all that we’ve been through. It was him, David’s brother.
Holding back the sudden urge to burst out in tears, I reply, “Dash, it’s been a while yes. How did you, get my number?” “I bumped into your brother a few weeks back and of course I asked him about you” he replies. With much surprise I ask when he had returned, whether he was staying for good or just visiting. You see, he left after his heart had been broken too - by his true love, or so he thought. “Can I come around, it would be good to see you in person?” he asks. Naturally I hesitate, but agree and give him my new address, as I no longer live in that house.
Dash said that he would be here in about two hours, enough time for me to get myself into character.
Two hours later - like clockwork, the doorbell rings. I look through the ‘peeping hole’ and he still looks the same. As if staring into the face of David - Dash and David were twins. My heart skips a beat, just for a second, not knowing whether to leap into his arms for seeing him or burst into tears. “Can I come in?” he asks waking me from my trance. I open the door and let him in. “It’s nice to see you again” I say with a heavy heart as he removes his coat. “Nice place you have” he replies. “Yeah things are going pretty well” I lie. So what brings you around - I think. “You probably wondering why I wanted to see you?” he asks, noticing the strange and surprising look on my face.
“I needed to see you, to let you know that I am still here” he says. “I don’t understand.” I reply. “I know you still around.” He comes closer with some hesitation, saying that he is still here for me, that he wants to be there for me when I need someone to talk to; to listen; to show that he still cares. I stand there staring out the window not knowing whether to show my pain or indulge in his compassion.
Dash is the total opposite to David, although similar in appearance. He was the rebel, the one that did what he felt he wanted to, whether wrong or right. The ’black sheep’ of the family, but somehow, when speaking to him now, I feel the presence of maturity.
I start crying in response to all this, the brave face fading immediately and I fall into his arms. “It’s not easy, I understand,” he says, “I can’t let go either. David and I were together for a long time, so losing him was the most painful experience that I’ve had in my life and to lose a brother I could imagine he understood what I have been going through. We sit in silence for several minutes gathering the strength to speak to each other. He then breaks the ice, “So I’m moving back on a ‘permanent’ basis.” “That’s great” I reply. “So where you settling down, by your parents?’ I ask. “Yes for the time being until I get sorted out,” he replies. “Would you rather have me stay here with you?” he jokes. Making me laugh for the first time.
Dash lived with David and I before, and it was definitely an experience to remember. “At least there won’t be any fighting and make-ups happening” he jokes again, remembering the good old days. “I really miss him you know” I reply. He moves closer to hug me once again. “Let’s hang out sometime” he suggests. “Doing what? Drinking?” I ask. He shrugs. “Don’t know, watch a movie or something.” Not like we had anything in common, but Dash and I sometimes enjoyed the same movies - which drove David crazy sometimes. One time we went to the movies, we watched one film and Dash says that he wanted to watch another one which David did not want to see, so Dash and I ended up watching it together without David. We basically left David alone, which was hilarious. I then agree - surprised at my answer knowing that I was not really ready to be with David’s family. “Are you hungry” I ask and he replies saying he was starving. So I make something quick and easy. We spend the evening just catching up on everything that has happened since we last saw each other.
It’s strange not waking up next to someone if you were used to having someone to share the morning with especially when you have to psych yourself up to go or do anything. It still feels that way, even after four years. At least my vacation did me well. So here I am sitting in another boring morning team meeting, pretending to be interested in John’s presentation on how to improve morale in the workplace. But thank goodness for Sally, the company’s receptionist, perfect timing.
“Apologies for interrupting but Vincent Kellis has just arrived, should I let him in?” she asks. John nods with relief, he knows he’s not the most exciting presenter. With a sigh of relief, I turn my head to the door and in steps the most gorgeous man, with this combination of Jay Ryan and Ian Somerhalder looks, with the most intensifying blue eyes. My heart nearly stopped beating for a few seconds. “Welcome - everyone this is Vincent Kellis” says John. “Hi everyone” he greets in a husky voice. So coming to work was a good idea, since there was some new eye-candy around the office.
I sit in the cafeteria with my friend and colleague Sam during lunch, just wishing the day would end already. “So how are you feeling this week, did you rest well?” she asks. “Ok I guess” I reply. “Guess who is back in Town?” I mention. “Oh my goodness, who?” she cannot guess. “Dash - he came to my place” I respond to her surprised expression. “He’s back permanently and wants to start hanging out again” I sigh. “Wow that’s interesting,” she says. “Are you ok to do that, I mean, him being here now and him being David’s identical brother.” “Don’t know, guess I will just have to be” I reply. “Hey have you seen the new guy?” I ask, trying to change the subject. “Yes I have and he is gorgeous,” she replies, nearly choking as Vincent walks in after just mentioning his name.
“Ladies I would like you to meet, Vincent” says John, as Sam and I embarrassingly falling over our feet scrambling to get up from the table. “Pleasure to meet you again” I say firmly. My hand stretches out to shake his. “Pleasure is all mine” he replies smiling from ear to ear. “And I am Samantha”, my friend pushes me out the way to introduce herself. “I am John’s PA and if there is anything you may need please feel free”, she says in a flirty way. Can’t believe she put herself out there like that, such a flirt.
“I never caught your name?” Vincent asks me. “It’s Alexis, but everyone calls me Lexi.” – An awkward silence falls upon us - “Lexi is our Human Resources Development Specialist, she handles our training division” John breaks the silence. “Well moving on, we still have others to meet” says John. As they leave we can see the other ladies in the area gawking and giggling as Vincent walks by. Well let’s face it, he is very attractive.
Finally settling into his new office – which surprisingly is right opposite mine, something I was not expecting – gave me the perfect ending to a hard day. I watch as he shifts around his office from the top of my computer, pretending to be completely glued to my computer screen. He carries himself with such confidence, which makes him seem so intimidating, but even more alluring.