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Carmen Thinking… The sound inside a seashell part 1

By carmenmckay All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Poetry

Chapter 1: INNOCENCE…

April 23, 2014

memories of a hand in mine
was that not how it always started?

an innocent touch
a promise that it won’t go farther
but how do you resist
how do you turn your face
from the most familiar kiss
from the very first lips

a memory of time dragging
and then flying
how did we get here?

it’s like pink stains color the air around us
as though the sun shines but not quite right
like the wind blows differently when you’re near
like it’s supposed and its not…

am I fighting the inevitable
or chasing a phantom

was it ever really innocent?


FOUND…

April 24, 2014

even in the endless moments of discontent and no feeling right
I find you
and find my hand in yours

what did I do with it
where was my hand
how did it survive
before you
there is no
before you
all there is
is you
and
me
your hands
those hands
that can save me from drowning
every time
all the time
for all time

even in the endless moments of discontent and no feeling right
I find you
and find my hand in yours
and yours in mine…


NO TEARS ON THIS ISLAND, NO ENVY

April 24, 2014

see the gifts they give themselves
an overwhelming world of wealth
and outside a little girl
cries
she works so hard
she gives her all
but nothing
yes nothing can fix her
uplift her
but her

she see’s the waste
she turns her face
she will do better
the day she is in their place
a promise of her soul
to her pocket
a color of truth upon her little heart
and everything else little about her
for it won’t be little long
she won’t be little long

one day
one day
one day

you will look at her
and
say
“STRONG”


NOT ALL HUGS ARE THE SAME

April 25, 2014

not all hugs are the same

I know a hug
a “holding”
that takes my breath just thinking about it
don’t want to let go
please don’t let this end
can I stay here forever?
in these arms
with my head on this chest
with my arms around this neck
with your arms around my waist
frozen in time
yet wrapped in a warmth that’s fire
pure fire
trying not to burn out
but refuse to let go
the smell of you
the sound of your heartbeat
the fragrance of my heart
the music of my soul
don’t need to eat
don’t even need to breath
just need to stand here
with you
breathing you in
taking you in
inside my very soul
inside my past
my future
my right now this very second
I hold you
I hold still
a butterfly has rested on my hand
can’t move
can’t let it fly away


ALONE IN THE RUINS…

April 25, 2014

we lived here
we loved here
we grew here
we were here
I look at the ruins
I cry in the ruins
I hear the lost voices of children who once played here
we were true here
until war came through here
what takes years to build
a simple act, a careless act
can ruin ruin ruin in moment
in a moment
all was lost here
you were no longer found here
I know you’ve left here
yet I still wait here
here is all I am
here is all I know
here is where I remember happy


AN HOUR IN THE SHOWER…

April 25, 2014

cleanse me of my love for you
clean my thoughts of this need
I have kisses imprinted on my very soul
I have the touch of your hands in mine for all time
let the rushing water of my “break away” wash me
wash me clean
make me new
let me find a me
that does crave you
don’t let it remind me
don’t let this love any longer bind me
I step into the shower of its over”
and look for a release
wash over me
rush over me
move me to a place where it no longer hurts
I break free
I tear off my skin
as my tears drown me
why can I never ever win


PRETTY GIRL

April 25, 2014

I am my biggest fear
I am the little voice that asks why
I am my little fingers imperfection
and that blemish on my cheek
I am the thought I shouldn’t think
I am the message I shouldn’t reply too
I am the ignorer of good advice
I am the one who bumps her head twice

but yet so pretty
I am so pretty
that makes it all okay
if you are fallen
your whole world burning
don’t cry
don’t fret
be very pretty instead

I am a pretty little fool


TEARS OF A MAN

April 25, 2014

he fights
he fights
he fights himself
he fights all who love him
a heart so sweet
a heart so big
but a foolish pride
a foolish choice
that breaks us all
how much longer
how much lower
til he finds himself alone
fighting the ghosts of love that was so great?
fighting the voice of love that wouldn’t have walked away?

he fights
he fights

he won’t surrender


A DREAM OF HEAVEN, A DREAM OF RAYLENE AND MICHELENE FINDING EACH OTHER THERE…

April 25, 2014

nights spent together via text
insomnia became the new friend in our crew
we laughed
we cried
we shared
we planned
oh how we planned
and then
gone…

I still have to stop myself from calling you
I still have to remind myself you are no more

but how?
how
how
how
the thin thread of life still baffles me

one day I’m laughing with raylene
the next I’m saying good bye
one day I’m calling michelene
the next I cannot anymore

I hope you two met in heaven
I hope you are friends
and I hope above hope that you know
I love you
I miss you
I think of you each day…


DELIBERATE INSOMNIA

April 25, 2014

moments of utter frustration
nightmares that crawl around the roof
when the tears don’t roll because the eyes are too tired of crying
you wonder wonder wonder
when the voice can’t shout because it’s too tired of arguing…
I am not a fighter
not like this
i am not
I try to understand
I just don’t get it
I don’t recognize myself
never been so mad at myself
and at the whole damn world
its as though being destroyed is the only way my heart knows its real
its as though being betrayed is all that’s real and true
its as though its only good if its bad
you’re so bad
and all the days that has passed
this ptsd is killing me
its
so so so frustrating
I don’t think I can make it
but I make it
too afraid too break it
the walls close in
the walls come tumbling down
while I hold onto nothing by my fingertips…

and then I wake up

head aching
heart breaking
and you wonder why I don’t want to sleep again


CRAZY CARMIE

April 29, 2014

a lil different
okay very different
I look at the movie of my life
and
clearly see
my joys
and
clearly see
my unhappiest times have always been trying to fit in
my unhappiest times have been trying to be plain
its all the same…

a walk that doesn’t suit
a smile that has no perfection
and yet perfectly me
I am my own selection
each and every time
so
even on a sad day
a bad day
a bad hair day
I’m still the luckiest girl in the world
I slide on rainbows
I fall with the rain

and I love
oh I love like a tsunami
and even as I destroy you with all of me
all of my love
I hear you say “give me more”

and baby I’m crazy enough to do just that…


PHANTOM DOOR TO A PHANTOM HEART

April 29, 2014

a key was made to a door that didn’t exist
love was made in a world that no longer turns
and you still try to get in
but expect to just walk in
if only you’d just break in
but that’s not you
that’s all that’s true
you receive too easily
you give love too freely
fighting of it
fighting for me
and all the passion we share
and all the scars we bare

that was just never your style

you said
I love you
and I’m still in shock

openness
confession
its so not you

is it a new you
or a trick
and if I question you so deeply
how can I consider taking this risk
taking this trip

you’re like a drug
I never took
but got addicted too
having memories of a life that never happened

phantom keys
phantom love
phantom you


THE CLASH – BASOREXIA MEETS SERENDIPITY... ( BASOREXIA… THE OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO KISS + SERENDIPITY… FINDING SOMETHING GOOD WITHOUT LOOKING)

April 30, 2014

weakness in me
weakness in me
weak ness in me

you hold on
as you find release
say please

you find yourself
in a mirror called me
how can this be

I wrap my shoulders in a shawl
but can’t get whole
you took a look
you took a look
you took a look
in my soul

in the blink of an eye you can be 19 again
in the blink of an eye an angel girl can sin

cut my heart
and split it among you
can you love
can you love
can you love two

and
the words cover me
and
I am trapped and set free
how can our love be
don’t you see

what binds us
divides us
what feels so right
is so wrong
we must be strong

fight the kiss on your lips
fight your hand that needs my hips

fight it
fight it
fight it

fight the memories
and the need
don’t let it out
don’t let it feed

control
control
control
a wondering heart and soul…

convince
convince
convince
ourselves that we’re whole…


MY BODY SITS IN THE REAL WORLD, MY HEARTS DANCING IN A LAND FAR FAR AWAY

April 30, 2014

you run your hands through my hair
you touch my lips with the tips of your fingers

you praise me
you raise me
and
I find the little fairy princess that I have hidden away
I find the endless dreamer that left that day

I’m running through enchanted forests
I’m flying over castles and swimming in meadows
and all you do is rest your hand on waist
all you do is look at me like I’m the most beautiful thing

when you know you’re loved

when you know you’re valued

your everything glows
your heart doesn’t cease to grow
and through your veins
pure joy, real hope
does flow

a fairytale with the sounds of traffic and a phone ringing
a beauty in love that’s not new, not perfect but singing

singing sweet little elf songs
your soft kiss on my forehead
like a wish being made
my lips on yours
like a wish coming true


NO STONES TO THROW…

April 30, 2014

when I stand on a pedestal or far away

I cannot know
I cannot feel

your pain is therefore not real

It’s too far from me

because I am much too high too see

How can I judge your sin
just because it differs from mine?
how can I be better
when we are both given the same time?

I can’t let you stand alone

I know how it feels to be on my own

I give you me

and

all my love

not because i approve

not because i am glad
but simply because
I
know
I know

that people hurt people they love

I know

confusion can make a house no longer a home

and

I know

I know

that there are certain times and places, when a girl simply shouldn’t be alone

I know

I’m no better
My sins are washed by the same blood

no stones to throw
only love to give
I may not be perfect
but I think this is how God wants us too live…


HAPPY GIRL

April 30, 2014

I smile for you
and you
and you
and you

I smile and laugh
I’m the happiest girl in the world

I
have
to
be

I am happy for you
and you
and you
and you

I smile and laugh
I’m the only girl in the world

I
need
to
be

I die for you
and you
and you
and you

I cry and I cry
I’m no longer in this world

I
can
no
longer
JUST
be…

I AM THE ARCHITECT OF MY OWN DESTRUCTION… GIVE ME MORE PAPER

May 5, 2014

just because you see it coming
doesn’t mean you will turn from it
sometimes the lights of the oncoming train can be so beautiful

just because you know it’s wrong
just because you shouldn’t

Can’t stop you
can’t stop me
can’t stop this

what you want to do
you will do
what you need to feel
you will feel

I’m just a little girl with a backpack too heavy
and a heart that’s heavier still…

THE TIGER IN THE CENTRE OF MY HEART WILL TEAR YOU APART, RIGHT FROM THE START…

May 5, 2014

forgive the silly title
a wicked heart is not a laughing matter
but my heart is not that wicked as it is dumb and somehow powerful
and I fight the tiger too
I don’t want him too hurt you

but he looks into my eyes
but see’s beyond it
he leaves a trace
and
that nonchalant careless smile is wiped right off my face

he peeks beyond the facade
ignores the tirade
finds my longing hiding in the shade
and
shines an unflattering light on my naked heart
and starts to pull it apart
oh but
men think they are so smart…

a woman’s heart
a woman’s heart
the real thoughts and the secrets
its a river so deep that I can tell you of my emotions for hours
and you still wouldn’t know the half of it…
its a road so long to travel that fittest man will have to have to quit..

a woman’s heart
a woman’s heart
no one steals it
but sometimes you can rent a part of it
just don’t expect all of it
in your world it won’t fit

for even the sweetest most innocent girl heart can never really be completely shared
can never ever really be completely bare…

so there

HANGING BY THE THREAD

May 5, 2014

I look at you and ask me: “how did I get here?”
I look around and round and round
and I do not know how I got here
I’m filled with fear
I love so deep
too deep
and I fall without you
hurt without you
but a sad voice asks me “is he really with you?”
and I don’t cry anymore
and I really don’t feel like talking
just looking for a cliff too walk off
for a train to lie in front of

why is love such a beautiful miserable mess?
what happened to being your best friend and bring out your best?
I’m getting cold
I feel so old
I turn the air-con off
and take a walk
and
if I don’t return
and
you actually notice
then
thank you…

thank you
at least that means that you loved me a little…

SELFIE ON THE INSIDE

May 5, 2014

I hear them
see them
feel them
they speak of this person
me
they explain
describe
the in’s and the out’s
never doubting that they know all I am about
a personality that is mine
but not
was I once this person
and I forgot?
people expect and expect and expect of me
dammit when will they just let me be?
can’t you see?
you’ve drawn a lying picture
you’ve painted me too fair, too good, too perfect
and your rising standards
I cannot live up too
I can not even look up too
it makes my head spin
it makes my stomach queasy
I sit with my head in my hands and cry
I don’t go out
I tell you I’m busy…
perfect me
perfect me
perfect me
and that’s why people get hurt
and that’s why hearts end up disappointed

you decide how big my heart is
how much patience I have
how strong I am

how much

how much

how much I can take…
and
never
no, never
do you ask me
does anyone one ask me

“Can You Handle it?”

Its just assumed that I can…

I hear them
see them
feel them
they speak of this person
me

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