Scarred for life
Part 2 - 18th June 2014
I spent the best two months of my life, having her was truly a blessing.
I became her best friend and I did it in only two months when it took me over almost four months to have my request accepted!
To narrate in brief, we had a connection since our first ever chat. The beginnings were rough, she was infuriated at my actions but my hearty apologies (loads of them!) finally earned me forgiveness. Well, we had nothing to hide; she knew I was best of friends with Tushar so I already knew much about her.
And actually those absurd actions earlier were paying off. We didn’t start particularly as strangers. She was showing interest in knowing what sort of person I am. She was dismayed by the variations in my character. On one hand, I was this crazy, fun-loving, weird guy who was interested in nothing but enjoyment and beneath that laid an emotional dark side, those deepest secrets and scars I trusted no one with, apart from her.
She was everything I thought; caring, sweet, and loving. She enjoyed my awkwardness, adorned my shyness, and enjoyed my silly jokes. She preferred my nonsensical humor, and I was glad to find someone alike.
In a months’ time I was able to form a completely different image. She finally began to think of me as a nice person.
We exchanged numbers and after little hesitation on both sides, there were rare night calls too. I was over-whelmed with the turn of events in my life.
She was closest to me, no one ever touched my heart like that before and even though she never told me in words, I could make out from her affection, her caring and by those sentimental secrets she had shared that I was closest to her too! I was second in her priority list. I could have asked for no more. It felt nice to be so special for her.
She heard my problems, helped me in my inferiorities, cared for me on days I stumbled, and bits and pieces we were best of friends.
But her presence was getting as frightening as special it was. I had never felt as magical as I felt with her. It felt as if happiness was connected with her, and it was getting frustrating. I was falling for her badly. Her sweetness, kindness, just every damn thing about her made my heart yearn for her even more. My feelings for her were getting intensified. My infatuation was developing into love. And I was scared because I knew it was wrong.
How could I fall in love with my friend’s girlfriend? Shit!! How could I let it happen?
What would he think about me? What would she think about me?
I inhibited my mind from feeling such loving emotions; I tried to question myself logically. Why the hell was I in love with her?
But the answer was simple; because she was the one. I can’t pretend it doesn’t depend on looks; because she is the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I can’t say heart falls for the one who unconditionally loves it; for all I knew I was just a good friend. Maybe I didn’t have the perfect answer but love doesn’t occur because of reasons, it has no logics; it just happens.
Because if it would have required an excuse to love; I had none. She naturally was out of my reach, she felt nothing for me.
But it was too late. The battle against one’s own heart is the toughest battle to win. And eventually I lost. It was hard to accept but I had to confess the love I felt for her. I had already lost my heart, to someone who would probably never be mine. If only one could choose whom to fall in love with.
And she wasn’t dumb either. Even she understood the hidden feelings. She knew why I would beg for some more of her time; she would understand my suppressed jealousy each time she would tell about their dates.
So, how did I survive being friend-zoned? Actually, I didn’t hate it that much. I figured having her in my life was all I ever wanted and right then she was, so I was relieved.
Though there were some weak moments when glimpses of my love would peep through my words, but I never allowed letting it show in the open. I feigned well to be just someone having certain feelings for her, providing her with vague replies whenever she demanded an explanation; a clear answer on what sort of feelings they were.
We liked each other, not exactly in the same manner though but we wished well. We desired for each others’ happiness and what we had was already so beautiful that it wasn’t worth risking it for something as stupid as love.
The one I loved, the one I thought everything of, the one who meant the world….was there, with me. What more could I have desired for?
It wasn’t exactly brief, was it?
The schools re-opened. So that basically meant we had six less hours to chat with each other. Our chats usually continued for hours. We’d brothel and when we would get bored, we would brothel some more. In those two months I had no contact with Tushar. Muskan was the only source who told me about happenings in his life. I feared he might not take our f’shp well but Muskan maintained that she hides nothing from him, but give out only what she thought of as matter of significance.
We both knew that he wouldn’t mind, he wasn’t shallow but I feared our closeness might make him a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, nothing of that sort happened.
Following is the facebook chat, I am just too lazy to write or even copy the name before every sentence so just read it like a conversation. It won’t make much of a difference anyway….
“I hate tanmay” she pronounced.
Now you might have wondered that upon hearing this, crackers would have exploded in my heart. Well if she had said that to me a couple of week back I would have surely hyperventilated. I might have actually died of joy but at that time I just rolled my eyes preparing myself for another spectacle.
She had been unlikely dramatic over her stumbling relation with Tushar. Apparently they were going through a rough patch. They were fighting constantly. They really were on a slippery track. It put her in very bad state of mind, which as her ‘best friend’ would give me the responsibility to cajole her into good mood again.
“What is it now?” I asked.
“I hate him. He is the mistake of my life. I am never going back to him.”
As much as I wished for it be true, I knew it was her anger speaking.
Now I wasn’t particularly happy with the way things were going between them. It felt good that I was the one she turned to seek support in her tough times but I could see what it was doing to her. She was dull, downcast, sad; so unlike her. I saw a completely different shade of her in those days. All I was told that he was becoming less understanding and caring and giving her less time.
Later, I found out that Tushar had been busy with another girl named Shefali. Now I wasn’t personally informed much by him but what I gathered from talks in our group was that she was extremely gorgeous. Tushar, given his looks not found it too hard to get acquainted with her.
But more time spend in knowing her, meant less attention to Muskan. I could see them drifting away from each other, I knew it wasn’t stable. Trust is what keeps relationships glued and theirs’ just vanished away. Tushar was distracted with Shefali and Muskan wanted a clear answer as to where their relation stood at that moment.
I wanted to confront Tushar and to advise him to clear out the mess but that would have hurt his ego. He won’t have relationship advice from a single who became her girlfriend’s confidant behind his back.
“What exactly happened now?” I inquired.
“Look I know you know. So please tell me one thing honestly”
“What?” I asked dreading her anticipated question.
“He is cheating on me right? He has another girlfriend, I know that, don’t you lie to me”
“Mad or what? Out of your senses?”
“Don’t lie to me please, if you consider me your best friend tell me the truth”
Now I wasn’t exactly lying. Shefali was technically not her girlfriend yet. They were just best of friends like we were. Tushar won’t cheat on her; I knew that. He wasn’t sure himself. He was just checking out other prospects.
He wasn’t wrong either, except the fact of keeping Muskan in the dark. He told her nothing about Shefali but it was not hard for her to sense out these things. He maintained that as nothing has happened yet, it wasn’t significant.
The truth was that he feared Muskan not taking it well. Given their closeness, I believed they should have trusted each other more. And now to hide that stupid truth, he built a heap of lies which naturally got her skeptical.
Life would be much easier with truths…not exactly happy, even painful, brutal maybe…but surely simpler.
“He is lucky enough to have you. Do you think he can get another one?” I tried to lighten the mood.
“It’s not funny, please just give me the truth” she begged.
“I am being honest. What made you think in the first place that he is cheating on you?”
“He doesn’t give me as much time as he used to give before. He always avoids me. He is taking me for granted. Whenever I call him he is busy with someone else. When I ask him who it was; he shouts. Nowadays; he is always rude to me, he is least bothered about my happiness now. I am sure some other girl is in his life. We used to have such long romantic chats with each other and now they are just reduced to formality”
“Look it’s all in your mind. There is no other girl in his life. He still loves you the same way he used to.”
“Then why he doesn’t let me check his mobiles? Why he doesn’t tell me who he is busy with on call?”
“Look he may feel irritated that you don’t have trust on him. Do you have trust on him?”
“I had; More than my life. But…”
“But now I don’t. I feel he is a changed man.” It was shocking to hear, but I still believed it was her rage speaking.
“When did you get so skeptical?”
“I can’t help it”
“Then, I can’t help it. All I know is that he is not cheating on you”
“Then what is wrong with him, why is he getting emotionally detached from me?”
“He is just the same”
“No he isn’t. I feel he doesn’t love me anymore”
“And you felt it today only?”
“I have been feeling it for quite some time now”
“So what made you explode today?”
“Today he didn’t pick any of my calls. Instead he cut it thrice!!”
(I knew why. He had plans with Shefali for a movie that day)
“So he must have been busy”
“Today; okay fine. But fucking every single day, how? Tell me; look I know he is avoiding me.”
“Look, everyone is quite stressed nowadays. We are shoved with assignments just at the beginning. Other than that he is a boy. Boys are always busy and who better knows about his social life than you.”
“Yeah! Partying n all, huh”
“Enhh! Not that yrr you know his friends. Most of his time is either consumed by them or he helps out his father at factory”
“Still he is not giving me as much time as he used to before. And all things you mentioned were there before also but he still managed time for me. He has found someone else. I know it, I can feel it”
“Look, if you would be stuck at one thing I can’t say anything then”
“I am tired of this; I just want things to be like old times”
“It is like old times and believe me it will only get better”
“How do you know that?” she chastened. Now I was getting a little quirky.
“Now you don’t trust me either, what should I say then?”
“Sorry, I am just in a terrible mood right now…”
“But it is for no reason, everything is just the same. RELAX”
“Maybe it is, but I don’t feel like it”
“Muskan, may I ask a question?” it was time to put an end to the whole issue…
“Do you love him?” I took a risk; it was a bad question to ask. She had snapped before also when I joked about Tushar, people in love tend to be quite protective of each other but those were meant to be jokes, here I doubted her love, the existence of their relation. She could’ve thrashed me, but I had an intuition that her answer won’t be affirmative.
“I don’t want to lose him” she replied after few moments.
Her reply was perhaps diplomatic, but I had my answer. There are questions which can have possibly only single answer ,rest all are just vague cover ups to hide the truth. I had done the same when she asked about what I meant with ‘feelings’.
But it is also true that not all relations are built on love. Some are together out of need also but it shouldn’t be misconstrue that those do not last. Infact they are the ones which survives even the darkest of storms because once a person becomes a bad habit, it is impossible to survive without them. I knew it, because I needed her.
Then why is love so pure, and obsession so evil? Why is affection so noble, and addiction so wicked? Because desire of someone is romantic, but needing someone is bluntly fucking painful.
“Okay” I couldn’t come up with a better reply.
“Moreover I don’t want to be that kind of girl who jumps from one relation to another”
“Okay” now what she said, I couldn’t pick her meaning. But what startled me was the fact that she was considering an actual end to their relation so seriously.
“But I also won’t be the girl who gets cheated and sits quietly”
“For the last time, he is not cheating on you”
I went offline after that for some time, and returned to just a single reply. I saw Tushar online and it was easy to figure out where she was busy. However we were still chatting, but only to the extent of being informed about the current position. It really was a war going on between them.
What started as scuffle got turned into an ugly fight. Neither one of them was backing out. She was getting more worried and tensed; she knew that all those accusations and harsh words won’t end well. Every person has a tolerance limit, and they were testing each others, playing their words along a dangerous territory. She was aware of the fatal consequences it can lead to, but she also found herself incapable to stop.
That’s the worst thing about anger, when it takes control over mind; it speaks only one language; cruelty and commands only one action; brutality and desires only one result; destruction.
The rage may unleash outside, but the anger actually burns within. We are so blinded by hatred that we can’t see our own scars and slowly we rot inside.
And once anger takes over its vicious form, there is simply no stopping it. It causes mayhem for self, and for everyone who fall victim to it.
Muskan warned him that such incident shall not happen again, and that she should be treated with respect and time she deserves. Tushar felt pestered and suffocated by her accusations and called her over-possessive; yet another word always taken in wrong sense. It is just a reflection of how badly a person wants someone and there’s nothing wrong in it.
Anyway one thing led to another, harsh words were exchanged, old skeletons were dug out and they were completely diverted from the topic they began with. They were thrashing each other with suppressed and irrelevant issues, and it got to a limit where they no more can withstand each other’s words anymore. The tolerance limit was breached. Ultimately Muskan threatened to leave him, hurting his ego badly and he ended up blocking her from every social contact possible.
And whatever is started with anger, is followed by regret.
She was broken, shattered, dejected…and it hurt me. I don’t know if I was more forlorn by her tears or the fact that they were for someone else. It was hard to see a reflection of my feelings, although not exactly in the same manner.
She was desperate to have him again; she needed him as insanely as much as I needed her. It was hard to curb the jealousy, but even harder was to watch her in pain. I felt a twirl inside my chest, and it felt surreal.
I had never felt so selflessly and so emotionally for anyone else; I chose her smile over my tears. I was eager to see her happy again even if that meant pushing her away, and killing my dreams. My pain seemed worth her smile.
Later that night, she called. It was the first time, I heard her cry. Her words drowned into wailing sounds.
She sounded someone else. Always cheerful, always vibrant; her smiles used to fill happiness around. And to see her that low, so downcast, it was unbelievable, shocking even.
I never thought of her as someone who would shed tears emotionally; she was the one guiding me through my troubles, I never thought a day would come when I would be on the other side.
For me, she was the strong one, a practical, strong-headed woman, the one who had it all figured out, but to see her like that; crying over a man, it took me by surprise. But maybe girls are like that; strong by mind, delicate by heart.
Even if I couldn’t replicate her emotions and feel the same way, I could imagine what she must be going through. She was still angry at him, but was crying to have him back. I could feel her pain, the ripples in her heart. Even back then, she had influenced my life so much I couldn’t have lived one day without her. If only one could survive without help, without love…and not need anyone; life would truly be peaceful.
I had always feared love. Love makes a person feeble from within; there’s nothing more precarious and vulnerable than a heart in love; only few are blessed to be loved back, rest are cursed to be broken.
But then again, should we even call the heart our own, when we can’t even control it from falling it for someone. Mind rebels, warns, screams; but the battle isn’t even worth ’cause heart always wins. One either burst out the feelings or they are somehow killed within, in both the cases heart is lost.
We don’t ever get to choose who we love.
Love is a poisonous thing, either you inhale it or it consumes you forever….
Around midnight, I saw her still online so I decided to check on her before sleeping. I was feeling a bit drowsy and even though I felt my eyes burning, I decided to talk to her despite being ill. To me, being there for her was more important than my own health.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked.
“Yeah, I am fine”
“Yup, it doesn’t hurt anymore”
“Okay” I was confused, I had a bad feeling.
“Atleast it doesn’t hurt emotionally anymore, the physical pain curbs it”
“Have you done something stupid?” I was frightened.
“Not exactly; just few cuts” I was aghast.
“FEW CUTS? FEW? ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND, IDIOT” I just wanted to go there, and slap her right in the face.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s stupid, I just couldn’t help it”
“Stupid? It is crazy. What were you thinking?” I felt so horrible, so damn angry at her.
“I wasn’t thinking anything, that’s why”
She didn’t respond. Maybe she went off to sleep; maybe she was still crying. I didn’t care. Why should I when she didn’t care about me? I rubbed my temples furiously trying to make some sense out of situation. I could feel nothing, sense nothing except being hurt.
“Dhruv, are you angry?” she replied after a while.
“Ofcourse, I am, how could you be so selfish? How could not care about others. You’re sad, I get it but couldn’t have you thought once about my feelings”
Oh no! No, no, no. Now is the worst time to blurt out .I can’t take advantage of her vulnerability, just shut up!!
“What feelings? Damn it! Just tell me”
“Just let it be. I can’t even talk to you right now” I wasn’t being intentionally rude to her, but I couldn’t control my rage. I felt scarred.
“Will you atleast meet me tomorrow evening? I want to meet”
She texted me the time and place to meet, and went offline after sometime. Maybe she slept.
I wasn’t feeling sleepy anymore, I was restless. I felt immense pain on my chest. All I could imagine was her hand in blood; all I could picture was her crying face. I don’t know what got into me, but I felt broken.
I couldn’t breathe, so I got out of bed and went to bathroom. I gasped for air. It didn’t help. I was still feeling badly hurt. There’s nothing more painful than mental agony. I felt emotionally wrecked and I could think of nothing else except her pain and the scar.