The grievious goodbye
25th Dec 2014
“Thanks for coming tonight” I told her.
“You do know you don’t have to thank me” she exclaimed, “It was special for me too”
“Yeah! But you can’t even imagine how much it meant to me” I smiled.
She lifted her head, resting on my chest, and looked me in the eye.
“I can imagine, I know you were waiting for this night for one year”
“Well what can I say? Dreams do come true” I felt blissful.
The blessed feeling was overwhelming. It felt comforting as past memories flashed before my eyes. Back then it was all a dream, and the rough beginnings were indicative that it would remain the same way. But there I was, one year later, strolling on the street with her wrapped in my arms.
My one hand coiled around her waist, and the other holding the blazer, all sweaty from the dancing. Avni yet again at my request dropped us off at her home. That night I wanted to walk all the way, but the party place Vidorra was far away from her house and she was totally tired.
Especially after all the dancing, though our usual crazy moves were missing but she elegantly pulled off some classy moves. And even the tougher part was that she managed to do all this during couple dance with me. We were wrapped around each other, her arms embracing me, and I would gently follow her steps. Probably some other couples were similarly close but I didn’t notice much. Much later I wished I had.
I was finding it hard to groove on trance, but got comfortable as they turned to soft music. The romantic music and her smile made the perfect combination. I glanced at my friends, and laughed watching them doing the same ’baarati’ dance even on love songs completely unaware of the ambience around them. Stop it! Girls do notice it’s just that we can’t pick out from their expression. I wanted to warn them, but let them be. I guess they were feeling left out and a bit jealous too by my intentional condescending glare. Yes! I had a girlfriend, and I was showing off. Yes the same boy you thought nothing off, and discarded tagging as single forever. ‘And here I am dancing with the prettiest girl and you are alone’.
Prateek, the only friend I would have bothered about wasn’t even there; he had been little off ever since Choral trip and never even told me why. I was too consumed in my own life anyways.
I don’t think my friends would have stopped even after getting them cautious about glaring girls. That’s how they were, that’s how I was.
I feared if I would ever be as weird as I was before. I was shoved with too much information about likes and dislikes of girls that kept me uptight. But I was blessed; I had such a girl in my arm that would happily join me in my wild moves, not only out of courtesy but would enjoy it too.
My eyes welled up in the middle of the dance floor just thinking that I will never find another girl as perfect as much she was for me.
I could almost instantly feel the same ripples in her heart, as tiny drops corrugated around her eyelashes too. I hugged her tight. We were delighted and depressed at the same time, knowing very well that it’s the happiest we would ever be, that with each passing moment we were putting the best phase of our life behind us; and we won’t ever get a chance to re-enact it, ever.
That whole one month was total blast. With little time left, and so much left to do; our life became hectic, and fun packed. Even with the vigorous schedules and appointments and frequent visits to clinics, she managed time to hang out. She was getting weaker, her coughs reduced, but she was vomiting more. We both equally hated her hair loss, but even the heavy painful therapy could not kill her enthusiasm, her will to make the most out of what she had.
I was concerned at first, but watching her bouncing back, I supported her in every manner possible to keep her happy at all times.
We visited almost everything in and around the city, from zoo to museums, from parks to malls. I had to agree to even visiting temples. It was amazing how much energy she pulled out of her ill body.
And when we got bored of normal dates, almost each night we would find ourselves a reason to celebrate. We were celebrating monthly anniversaries of whatever silly reason we could find-the day we actually got together, first time we talked on phone, first time we hugged, first time we went on date, even the day when we first broke up, it was completely crazy yet so surreal.
Initially we both were worried, me about her health and she about my studies but in the end figured out that it was a compromise worthy of what we were having….we were simply living a dream. On nights, we would have nothing; we simply celebrated the fact of being together.
There are so many flavors of love, and we wanted to taste the most we could. Some nights we would intentionally be harsh with each other, only to sweetly make up for it the next morning. She kept coming with such weird ideas…today we should not meet, only chat; for continuous 24 hours, today we should not talk, but mime to each other everything, common let’s re-enact a movie scene, let’s keep driving the whole day and see where we reach…eventually I got more tired than her. I wondered if she was progressing towards lung damage or brain failure.
In between came my birthday, which called for double celebration as it was also the first night we met each other. She gifted me a handmade poster, with painted pictures of boy and girl, depicting our whole journey, from the farewell night, to the evening in garden, to our bunk…everything, adorning with sweet lines, describing exactly what she felt during all those moments.
As a return gift, I invited her to my house for family dinner. Obviously papa wasn’t home that night. I cooked her favorite dish, I mean maa cooked but I helped too. They jelled up well, and maa tried hard to stop her tears but eventually gave up. I had already warned Muskan that it may get awkward; instead later she cajoled maa and end up scowling me proclaiming that I can never understand a mother’s heart.
I think she got sold when maa gifted her some earrings. Soap operas definitely ruled my mother’s heart. Anyway that night maa simply couldn’t let her go, so she told her parents that she would be staying at Avni’s house for the night.
I don’t think they would have minded much had she taken my name also. I was practically there every day, and used to pick her up almost each alternate night for hanging out. Even a blind mentally retarded could’ve figured out what was going on. But they didn’t intervene or probe too much, they were just happy watching their daughter smile. She was dying the way, she lived her entire life; with the same vivacity yet again.
I remember how her eyes lit up, when she got the idea one night, that instead of finding any reason, couples should just celebrate being in love, and falling for all the romantic stupidity they once called lame, or bullshit. I sort of killed her mood, making her remember about Valentine’s Day.
Even though it was only couple of months away, we were skeptical and didn’t want to leave anything to fate. So we celebrated the whole valentine’s week in December. So that night in vidorra we were celebrating Christmas, our first meet and even Valentine’s Day.
I looked at her again. My eyes could never get tired from being mesmerized by her elegance.
Although her skin had dried, looked pale and her eyes tired, weary but her smile oozed same charm. No matter what she was still the most beautiful girl, and my eyes saw her as the same gorgeous one to whom I lost my heart.
She looked resplendent even that night, wearing the same one-piece I gifted her, covering it with pullover which she threw away at the party. I guess she didn’t want to be the only fully clad girl in the party; it could have made her feel left out. Luckily no friend of her shed tears that night, and behaved normally around her. It was long time after she was with all her friends and was having fun. Infact I felt a little jealous watching her enjoy so much with them, I could have never brought out those heartily laughs she had that night with them. But nevertheless I did my best to fill in the lacuna; it might have eased the pain somewhat atleast. But no amount of romantic intimacy can ever replace the weird fun moments shared with the closest of friends.
“Hey, what are you thinking?” I whispered.
“Nothing” she sniffed.
“Are you okay?” I asked worried by her tears thinking she might be having another panic attacks.
Yeah! She developed this habit, after every few hangouts she would have panic attack where the realization that she won’t have such dates for much longer would stuck to her, and flood of tears would come out. Fortunately I got better at cajoling her into good mood. Eventually she understood that it destroys the whole fun and stopped it herself.
“Yeah, I am totally fine” she held my collar, and wiped her eyes. I held her chin up.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Ohh, these are happy tears…umm tears of joy”
“Seriously, those exist too, like for real” I always thought those existed only in reality shows!!
“Stupid” she chuckled.
“What?” I shrugged my shoulders.
She got away a bit, and stopped. I put a halt on my feet too. Her gaze was astonishing, her eyes twinkled.
“Thank you” she smiled.
“Why?” I always think our heart likes appraisal so much, that even after knowing the answer, we still ask in anticipated appreciation. I figured out she’d be again thanking me for a wonderful night, which sort of became a routine. My face was already delighted.
“For giving me a beautiful death” my face drooped immediately.
“I think we decided never to talk about it again” I winced.
“Okay, sorry, let me try to put it other way” she told in an apologetic tone.
“Okay, this one better be good”
“Thanks for uhmm….” Her voice suddenly soft, “Thanks for loving me and making me feel loved more than I ever thought I would be” she smiled.
“See now, was that so difficult?” I pinched her nose.
She giggled, “No seriously thanks for taking such good care, and all the dates, the fun just basically being there for me, always. It’s the most I could have dreamt of”
I tried to fake a humble face, but I was dancing inside and I think it reflected on my face too. Modesty isn’t one of my traits.
“Look I have told you, I am doing it all for myself. I feel happy when you feel good, it’s a simple equation”
“So our visit to church last night had some secret selfish hidden motive too?” she rolled her eyes.
“Yes! It was for wine tasting” it was the real reason indeed. She didn’t like it much though.
“And what about all the other dates, especially the one you arranged all by yourselves” her voice mischievous, “What were you thinking anyways?” she broke into titter.
“Oh! I still wish I could tell you” I said naughtily.
“Trying to get into girls’ pants; isn’t there anything else you think about?” my mouth agape, slightly taken aback but I re-collected myself.
“Well, I’m a boy, if we are being nice, be assured that’s what we are thinking about” I winked.
She kicked me in the legs, “You dog”. It hurt.
“So anyways, tell me who looked most beautiful tonight?” she asked.
“Well…” she interrupted me in between, “someone apart from me” she smirked.
“Oh! What made you think I was gonna take your name?” I was, it’s damn simple-always the girl asking the question has to be prettiest, no logic, no need to think even…
“I was going to say I don’t know; did you even look at yourself in the mirror, you looked like a shrew” I giggled.
Pause. She just kept staring; my heart started beating faster, shit!! Fear, hands shaking…sweaty forehead….wobbly knee; has she taken my joke in the wrong sense? I didn’t mean to call you shrew ’coz of your pale skin…no! Hell no!! Okay, take deep breaths, tell her the truth, tell her she is the most gorgeous girl in the world…
“That’s it! Dhruv, piece of advice; if you keep mocking your girl, and that too on looks, forget about getting into pants, she won’t even let you touch her, ever” she did chuckle, but I could sense the seriousness in those words.
“I was just kidding”
“Let it be, now tell me”
“Seriously, I don’t know”
“C’mon, don’t be so diplomatic, cut the crap and…” I shushed her, placing my index finger on her lips.
“I don’t know because I wasn’t able to tear my eyes from this heavenly beauty, from my angel” I kissed her nose. She just blushed, kept quiet. Yes! Yes!! Score!!
“Well, is that enough to get into pants?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood again.
“You will need a lot more of those, but that was a superb start” she patted my back, we laughed.
“But please tell who was looking pretty tonight?” I mentally smiled, fully aware that somewhere my friends would be discussing the same…in a slightly different context; I don’t think they would have used the word ‘pretty’.
“Well, Avni was looking quite…sexy tonight” there, that would have been the word, although it was an easy pick. Tall girls are sexiest.
“Ahann! So fire is on both the sides” she punched my arms.
“Oh! Am I sensing jealousy?”
“Shut up! I am not jealous” she scrunched her nose.
“It’s all right” I giggled, “I had been jealous too, I know how it feels”
“But I am seriously not jealous, believe me she has a crush on you”
“Yeah! In my dreams”
“Why wouldn’t you trust me?” she squealed.
“Because it’s me we are talking about. Who would pick me?” I shrugged my shoulders.
“I picked you? Right?” she arched her eyebrows.
“Not everyone has a choice as poor as yours”
She rolled her eyes, her face in fake-disgust. “Dhruv, another advice; you talk such nonsense with your buddies, you do not tell it to your girlfriend, okay?”
“Okay, point taken” we broke into titter.
We reached her house, but were having such a nice time that decided to take a little detour. We headed towards a walk around garden.
“But I am telling you, I noticed her, she was all starry-eyed about you, you looked nice tonight” she exclaimed.
“Well, I am flattered” I was jumping inside, I don’t know if she was lying, but being noticed by girls; how can someone not feel proud just by the thought of such possibility .”But I still don’t think it is true”
“Then why are you grinning from ear to ear” she teased. Told you! I can’t fake modesty.
“Can we please talk about something else?” it was getting little uncomfortable.
“How did I dance tonight? Was it better?” I asked.
“Yes, it was good. And why are you asking me, I am a pathetic dancer myself” no! She wasn’t. She couldn’t be called great, but definitely average. I guess it was just other way to call me pathetic.
“I just wanted to know, it matters to me”
“Why?” she questioned.
“I don’t know, ever since I pictured us together, I had this weird fears in my mind, and I was frightened that you’ll leave me if I cause you too much embarrassment”
“And that’s why you took dating tips from Avni?” she laughed.
“She told you that” my mouth agape. There were some seriously silly things I had discussed with her, and my girlfriend knew about it too!!
“Well we are girls; that’s what we do” she shook her head a bit. Hair fell down on her face.
I smoothed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. I never told her, but I had it long figured out how much she likes me brushing hair off her face, and would intentionally leave some tendrils wayward falling on her face.
“So she told you everything?” I asked, feared.
“Almost, in brief…but why don’t you tell me? You shouldn’t feel the need to hide from me; I am already yours and always will be what’s to worry about?” OMG!! She already knew everything; she just wanted to hear it from me. I decided to tell her, she knew it anyways; what was the point of hiding it?
“Just so you know, I had these weird imaginations like we are in a café and while serving you I have spilled some coffee over you, or like we are riding in the parking lot towards the exit in the mall and my bike stopped and we fell down in front of others….” She guffawed, pressing her stomach tightly.
“How much nonsense do you think?” her words barely audible under her laugh.
Okay now that was embarrassing. I just kept quiet.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about embarrassing me”
“Really?” I smiled stupidly. I thought I would be showered with words like ‘best’, ‘smartest’ or ‘most thoughtful’
“Because I have had my quota of that” Now that’s unfair. She could keep mocking me, and would still get to enter pants anytime, on her demand. Damn!! She was misusing benefits of being a girl.
“Whoa, when did that happen?”
“When? Seriously?” her voice animated, “What about that time in theatre when you kept growling just to scare girls in the row ahead of us? People were staring at us!”
“So? Those girls got scared, that’s what you do in scary movies, and who pays any heed to people?” I don’t even know why I was explaining myself making such horrible arguments.
“Uh, huh!! When you’re with friends and in the flow, you don’t but when you’re out there as a couple, you do!!” her voice was getting harsher just matching the speed of her fluttering hands.
“Okay, so that was only one time”
“And what about that time, where you made me to sneak out unobtrusively from the street stall?”
“So, you got to take advantage of the crowd, plus you stole that saved money later and purchased yourself an ice-cream”
Her disgust-disguise washed away as her lips curled up in a smile. Who was she kidding anyway, she enjoyed those too.
“Okay, leave it. Tell me about some of your good dreams”
“Like what all you pictured us doing, what plans you had?”
“Nothing fancy, just basic stuff…you know, us on a cozy date, or together watching a movie at your house, night stays, walking with you on nights like this. I just never went too far ahead into future, just being with you; in your life meant so much to me…”
“Aww” she leaned and kissed my cheek.
“And I also dreamt of that, to say something sweet, and make a girl go ‘Aww’ luring her to kiss me”
She just smiled.
I continued, “Maybe I shouldn’t call them dreams, but I always had this cute imaginations, uhmm scenarios in my head”
“Like making a crying girl smile?” she remembered that!!
“So, what had you pictured for tonight?”
“You know dancing, then walking you back to your home, which we are already doing and…”
“And?” her voice soft.
“And, I always pictured you in such a dress, and that you would feel cold from the chilly wind, and I will take out my blazer and wrap it around you. You know as a gesture of my love and care…”
“You watch a lot of movies” she teased again. I really do.
Although I don’t why but my face turned sad, apparently she noticed it too.
“Alright, do it anyway” she smiled.
She wriggled out of her coat, took some steps, then animatedly rubbed her forearm and proclaimed she was cold. I followed her, took out my blazer and wrapped it around her. I held her pullover and hang on my arm.
She opened her arms, I went and hugged her.
“Stupid” she giggled, “Pick me up, I am tired”. I carried her by knees, and she rested, coiling her arms around my neck. Surprisingly, she wasn’t that light.
“You look pretty” she laughed. As I had my both hands engaged, I had to wear her pullover.
“Thanks” I wasn’t even listening to her; I was too busy mentally kicking myself. Why the hell had I not pictured this before? She was close, real close…her cologne smelled fantastic but her sheer natural aroma was enchanting too.
“You’re thinking about kissing me, right?” she giggled. I was; desperately.
“If I say yes, would I be allowed?”
“You don’t even need to ask” she winked.
I just kept blankly staring at her, battle between my mind and my heart….I wanted to, yet I couldn’t. Some moments just went passively like that.
“What?” she asked.
“Some other time” I whispered. I preferred spontaneity, knowing that she was waiting for the kiss made me nervous.
“Sweet” she said. I was glad she wasn’t the other type-the type which blankly tags you ‘coward’ for not making the move, to hell with them. They won’t ever understand how much decency and ‘someone special’ it takes to let go of an opportunity like that.
“Your lips truly are” I gestured a kiss. She pinched my cheeks hard.
“Bhgg” she blushed. Silence followed…I always adored such moments, we would be quiet, inhaling all the happy memories, just looking at each other, feeling blessed; with a queasy feeling to come up with a starter.
“Dhruv” she mumbled.
“Tell me about your latest dreams, like the ones you have now?” she was always curious.
“Right now, I don’t picture or dream about us” even my sub- conscious mind was acquainted with tragedy. It was too big to erase from mind.
“I just have one wish”
“That we had more time?” she asked innocently. She could always look right through me.
“Close enough, I just wish we were adults, you know grownups”
“Why?” her eyes lit up.
“You know things would have been easier…for me, for you. I would have been able to take you to doctor myself, probably take you all around the world to seek proper treatment, at least I would have had something to work upon, some hope, I would’ve been satisfied with my efforts. Right now I just feel helpless because I feel bound, and I can’t do anything” she loosened the grip, and started walking herself. We had reached her neighborhood. We exchanged our coats yet again; I forgot to wear that time.
“Look Dhruv, you know there’s nothing anyone can do in that, and you are doing the best you can, you’re making me smile in my last days, this is the best farewell gift I could have…you just have to let it go”
“I know, but I can’t and it’s just not only about that”
“Then what else?” she asked.
“You know, we would have been able to do adult stuff, you know like I could have been with you every single moment, I would have been able to sleep next to you, to wake up with you in the morning, we would have lived together and…”
“And?” she was already smiling. I halt my steps to talk to her face-to-face.
“And I would have prepared soup myself and fed it to you, and whenever we would return home, and you’ll be tired and sleep on the couch, I would have covered you with quilt. You know everything that mature couples do…sort of like live-in- relation”
“And then we would have gotten chance to get married too” her voice dreamy.
“Yeah, that too” for the first time I was genuinely serious.
“Well, don’t worry, you’ll get to do all this stuff with Avni once you grow up” she smiled but I could see the pain behind it.
“Shut up!!” I scowled.
“But why? You and Avni would make a great pair”
“I am seriously leaving if you continue anymore on this topic” I warned her. I was seriously very uncomfortable and irritated by that topic.
“Okay, I won’t but you must have thought something about future”
“What future?” I was pissed.
“You know after me, what are you going to do with your life?” Our feet stooped moving. I curbed my anger; I tried hard not to scream just in front of her house.
“I don’t think about it, I told you” my voice muffled behind my gritted teeth.
“Look I know it’s hard, but we had to talk about it someday” her eyes teary “You have all your dreams, your whole life in front of you…you should think about that”
“I can’t, and I won’t. Just the mere thought is so intimidating, and you are asking me to plan a future without you. Don’t you understand you were my dream, I wanted ‘this’, that’s it”
“I know it’s scary, but you have to be practical”
I remained silent; I had nothing to say to her.
“Look I am worried about you” she started sobbing.
“But you shouldn’t be. Because it’s the happiest I ever could be, I have told you this a hundred times and I am ready to tell it even more that I am blessed to have you in my life, and I could never get tired from loving you or being loved.”
I continued, “And I know that right now it seems impossible, but I still believe that another miracle will take place in my life, and you’ll be alright. And that’s why I am not worried about future, and you shouldn’t be either.”
“So you think nothing at all?”
“I do think, but infact in reverse”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I think about how I ever lived without you, how I was even alive before you entered my life. I depend on you; you are literally my whole life. I mean sure I had fun before too but I was broken inside, you know that. This magical feeling, for the first time I am actually feeling alive. And you know that I am not lying when I say you’re the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me”
She gave a wry smile. I don’t know if my words were making her feel loved or getting her more concerned about me. I wish I had stopped there.
“And you know there’s no point thinking about future, because I won’t even know what to do. I would be devastated. I don’t know if I would even be able to survive” I wished I could take my words back. I regretted saying it, not only because it was a very despondent thing to be said, but also I feared adding up to her tension.
“You will survive, you have to” her voice meek.
She just turned around and left quietly, walked inside her house. That was something she never did before; I was so used to her cheerful goodbyes’.
Yet again silence followed but it felt strange, somewhat frightening for the first time. It indicated omen; it resembled similar silence which prevails before storm approaches…..
I don’t know what happened after that night but I could feel that she was avoiding me. She told me specifically not to bother to visit her house as she proclaimed being busy with Ayesha. She won’t pick my calls or reply to my texts. She rejected every offer to meet, saying that she had to spend time with her family. Initially I didn’t dwell much. I knew I was eating most of her time, and her family deserved to be with her. But I couldn’t fathom her ignorance after few days.
New Year’s Eve was supposed to be a special night for both of us. I already had something planned, so I invited her. But she declined protesting that she had some family function to attend. I felt annoyed by her ignorance.
I couldn’t have fought with her, I was possessive but I couldn’t have snatched her from her family. And if it mattered so much to her, I had to try to feel good in her happiness.
For some inexplicable reason, deep inside, I felt as if something was bothering her. I knew her well, I was aware of her love for me. And in past, even with the hectic schedule she used to have, she always used to take out time for me.
But right then, she wasn’t putting me on hold; she was actually avoiding me, pushing me away from her life. I tried hard to remember something that I had done that might be drifting her away, but there was nothing.
Eventually I was agitated by her oblivion. She feigned to be normal when I confronted my feelings when she finally picked up my call. She told me that I was making too big a deal out of nothing, and assured me that she would take out time for me.
But it wasn’t a promise, rather a lie. She continued avoiding me and I was left baffled. I simply could not contemplate the motive behind her actions, but I knew that even against my will, I was getting angry at her. I could have handled her absence, but her ignorance was infuriating me. I needed to know what was going in her head. Even she knew that I could look right through her so after that farewell night, she never met. At last, even I gave up my will to fight. I couldn’t simply let my desperation control me anymore. If she truly loves me, she will come back….
6th Jan 2015…
The last call
It was 20:04. The cell flashed, she called.
I was still infuriated at her, and I was wishing for her to call only so that I can pick up a fight with her, but inside I was dying to meet her again. I was missing her like hell, yet I hold onto my tears.
Even though it was getting harder to survive, I was learning to live by myself. I had to be strong; I had to inculcate this trait in me. Because on those days, deep within I was fully aware that this would be the way my life is going to be…alone, depressed, wrecked.
The whole mechanism of emotions inside human mind got me baffled. One moment, I was infuriated at her the next I was wishing her to be back.
I let the cell ring for sometime deliberately before picking it up. I was missing her every moment; but it was no reason for her to find it out too. I wish I didn’t care so much, like crossing insanity limit but I could have always pretended as if I don’t.
“Take off your pants” she squealed. Even her high-pitched voice sounded melodious.
“What?” I tried to sound pissed.
“Quick, take off your pants, I have taken off mine” she chided once more.
“What are you talking about?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Stupid, phone sex” she said naughtily.
I was left jaw-struck. For a moment, I couldn’t speak anything but smile stupidly. I wanted to scream at her, vent out my ire, pick up a fight. I wanted to be apologized and to be made up to in our next meet but I was left amazed. I don’t know if I was overwhelmed by the excitement of getting in touch after so long or by the sheer ecstasy of the topic she chose.
I was aware of my precarious heart and knew that I would forget everything, but this was even quicker than my expectation. I had to give it to her, a perfect ice-breaker.
“Oh!” I mumbled, a bit sweaty.
“I can’t hear you. Have you already started by yourself?” Her tone was mischievous.
“Shut up!” I giggled.
“Do you even know how it works?” she grinned sheepishly.
“Of course I know, you are asking a boy about this stuff” I had no idea about it.
“Okay, then let’s start” she said seductively.
“Yup, now quickly take off your pants”
“It’s already off, you got to pay some attention, duh!” she exclaimed.
“Okay, now take off your top” I said, nervously.
“Okay, now-I-am- wriggling- out -of- my-top, and….Done!”
Is that how it works? You have to describe everything, each intricate detail, and stress on every single word slowly.
“Oh! I am sooo hot right now” She stretched ‘so’ in a very sexy manner.
“Well done” I tried to maintain my composure. “Now take off the rest of your stuff”
“What rest?” she grinned. She wasn’t backing off.
“You know” I said shyly.
“You have to take the name” she chuckled.
“Piss off!” even she knew I couldn’t.
“Huh! You’re of no use, I really wanted to do it” she tried to sound upset, but wasn’t convincing at all.
“You really want to do it?” I inquired. I anticipated her reply to be “bhgg” which she most commonly used or “In your dreams” which too she often used to tease me.
“Yup, I reaaallly want to do it” she just wasn’t backing off.
“Well, if it’s your wish, it will be done. But it is no fun on phone, how about we experiment it some other way when we meet next?” I giggled.
She kept quiet, she wasn’t replying. Oh no, no! Please don’t take it the wrong way, it was just a suggestion. Hell no! It wasn’t even a suggestion, it was a joke. You know me, I am not the kind of guy who steps over the line, if I wanted to I could have before…you know me better; just reply.
“Dhruv” she muttered, her voice low. Damn! I ruined the mood.
“Hmm” I mumbled. I could sense her voice, she wasn’t angry…it was something serious.
“I am going to Mumbai tomorrow”
“My father contacted some doctor, and he said that we could work on chemotherapy more, and that might give a chance for surgical operation”
“That’s great, see I told you things would work out” I couldn’t believe my ears, even I had given up the hope, but probably maa was correct. The slight chance we had, worked. I was jumping inside, but why was she low?
“Things haven’t worked out yet; it is a very slim chance, but we are still trying”
“I am sure it will work out, so how long are you going to be there?”
“I don’t know, probably till the end”
“What do you mean?” my voice tensed.
“Look, it is a very long shot and even if we get it, you know how dangerous the whole operation is, so…”
“So what?” I was confused.
“I don’t know”
“What are you planning to do? Are you leaving?” my voice meek.
“Look, all I know is that I am going tomorrow, and then let’s see how things turn out”
“Okay” I tried to sound understanding, but was really baffled. Miracle may happen and she could be alright or things may remain the same…in either case, she had to return, then why she was saying it the ‘end.’
“Can we please not talk about it?” she pleaded.
“Okay, can you meet me right now” I wanted to meet her before she flew off to Mumbai.
“No, I can’t”
“Okay, so at what time are you leaving tomorrow?”
“Dhruv”, her voice was stern.
“Hmm” I mumbled nervously.
“I do not want to meet you, and please don’t fight with me tonight. I don’t have energy to do it anymore” she said coldly.
“But why?” I wailed.
“Dhruv, please stop…please” she whimpered.
I fell silent, her cruelty shut me up. I wanted to scowl at her badly, but words failed to come out of my mouth. I felt paralyzed, I was numb. I could not believe what was happening around me, my own love was letting me down.
“Dhruv, what are you thinking?” her voice cracked.
“I don’t know what to say, I don’t think I could’ve been more hurt” I sniffed.
“Dhruv, I am sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be on you; but I just want to live alone, by myself, spend time with my family. They deserve that I spend time with them, and I have been so involved with you, that I haven’t been able to pay attention towards them”
“So be with them, don’t blame me. I have never stopped you from spending time with them. I only request you to give me whatever is left”
“Dhruv, please understand, I can’t be with you”
“But why? What have I done?” I cried.
“You have done nothing Dhruv. But please just understand, please” she was too vague.
“So is this why you called? To push me away?”
“I am not pushing you away, I just want to be with them, have happy memories with them”
“But I still don’t understand why don’t you want to meet me? Why are you kicking me out?” I was broken.
“Dhruv, please! I don’t want to talk about it, I haven’t called you to fight, I called for some other reason” I could almost hear her heavy breaths.
“What is it then?”
“I just wanted to thank you, for loving me beyond my imaginations, for being with me, for giving me the greatest joy of my life. You made both my life and death beautiful” she cried.
I simply couldn’t fathom what was going on, first she pushes my away giving half explanatory excuses, and now she is being old caring sweet Muskan again, something is seriously wrong.
“Why are you crying?” I asked, worried.
“Dhruv, don’t ever keep long hair, you look stupid in them” she chuckled, still sobbing heavily.
“Muskan, why are you talking like that?”
“And don’t wear those tees you have, they do not look funky. Wear those shirts I purchased for you” she sniffed.
“NO! FUCK NO!!” I screamed, “I know what you’re doing, don’t dump this bullshit on me” I cried loud.
“This last-happy-goodbye-shit, don’t do it, don’t do it just yet” tears I had been holding for so many days were just flooding out.
“Dhruv, it had to happen; one way or another, better now, before it gets too late”
“No, fuck no, don’t you dare give up on me. I simply won’t listen to it” we both were crying so hard, and our voice melt down, almost drowned in our tears.
“Please Dhruv, don’t make it harder than it already is” it was pouring tears, she was crying heavily.
“Muskan, No! You promised me that you’d never leave me”
“I am sorry Dhruv, but I have to….I just have to” she couldn’t control her tears neither could I.
I don’t know what got into me, maa rushed into my room watching me wailing and pacing around the room. I ignored her, put on my slippers and rushed downstairs. I had to see her for one final time. I reached for my Activa but then remembered that I had forgotten key upstairs, there was no time left…I started running towards her home.
“But what the hell am I going to do without you?” I cried even while running.
I didn’t care about the stupid people on the streets, I paid no heed to those gullible pedestrian, I sure must have looked like a fool but that was the last thing running on my mind.
“You’re going to live a beautiful life, marry someone even more gorgeous than me and would be happy forever”
“There cannot be anyone more gorgeous than you”
“That’s true”, she grinned.
I lowered my pace to talk with her; also I lost my initial energy and felt tired.
“And listen, study properly on time” no! Just shut up! It is so hard to hear this stuff-I mentally shouted.
“No, I won’t. I can’t study unless you prod me to, who’s going to yell at me? Who’s going to prepare schedule for me?” I cried hard.
“Don’t worry, I will tell Avni to take care of it”
“But I depend on you, I need you for everything, you know I can’t even download your Hollywood songs by myself”
She smiled, “That’s because you’re stupid, and seriously if you ever fill up your gallery with such low songs again, I am going to make your life hell”
“Oh! Shut up! You won’t even know about it”
“Beta! I would know about it, I am going to come back and haunt you as ghost, what did you think, you’re going to get rid from me so easily?” even I smiled, draped in tears.
“Shit! So are you going to follow me on my dates also?” I did not want to ruin the moment for her; even though it was killing me inside, I sort of accepted it as the final call.
“Haanji, dates, marriage, everywhere, even on honeymoon”
“You’re a dirty girl, do you know that” I smirked.
“I know, and you promise me to be a good boy, you can never and I repeat never pull any stunt or hurt yourself in any manner. Don’t be stupid, promise me”
“I have already promised you, and I don’t break mine” my tone unintentionally sarcastic.
“Okay, Well I don’t think I even need to tell you to eat properly on time, you already do that” she grinned. My lips yet curled up in a wry smile.
“But my favorite-your maggi, I won’t have it”
“Stop lying now, your mother cooks better and I know she is your favorite” that was true.
“Well, you were getting better”
“And Dhruv; one more thing.”
“Take writing seriously. You’re good at it”
“Now you should stop lying”
“I am not, and I don’t know if you’re interested anymore, but if you ever feel like it, write down our story. Don’t publish it if you don’t want to, just keep it with you, as my memory, that way I will be close to you” the reminder brought back tears for both.
“You’ll always be in my heart”
“I know and I couldn’t fulfill my dreams of having a family, but can I request you something?”
“When you get married…” I was about to speak but she interrupted me in between, “and you will. And if you ever have a daughter, will you name her after me?” she cried heavily.
“I will” even though I highly suspected even the thought of myself ever getting married, I let her have her moment.
“Dhruv, I will have to hang up now”
“NO! DON”T” I screamed. My legs were tired and I was barely jogging at brisk pace. But something in me kept me pushing. I was only half a mile away from her home.
“But I have to”
“NO! Don’t hang up, don’t cut the call, I hate to say goodbye this way. Just let the call get abruptly cut when you run out of balance”
We remained silent…and if it were to be my final talk with her, I wanted it. I have shared my most wonderful memories with her in silence, and it was only just that we shared one more such moment for final time!
It took me seven minutes from there on to jog, stumble, get up and finally tremble to her house.
“Come outside” I whispered.
“Are you here?” her voice, both ecstatic and shocked.
After few moments, she stepped outside in the same balcony. Fortunately, it was close to ten, and every door was locked due to cold. There was just me and her, looking deep in each other’s eyes. Her face looked pretty even after being covered with tears. Those eyes looked tired from wailing. Her lips were very dry, yet she looked beautiful in her violet sweatshirt with imprinted Pokémon and plain yellow leggings.
I was sweating, panting badly.
“You’re mad” she exclaimed.
“And your pants are still on”
“Dog” she chuckled, wiping her tears.
“You look beautiful” If you’re wondering we weren’t shouting at each other, we were still on call. She looked down at me, sobbing yet smiling.
“THANKS YOU” she giggled. I smiled.
“That was the best night of my life, because it brought you in my life and I don’t even have words to explain how damn happy you make me every day, how much you mean to me, in my life”
“I know Dhruv; it was magical for me too. Thank you, for making me feel like the most special person in the whole world. You gave me everything and now I will have to ask for something more from you, will you do it?
“Please just walk away” she cried profusely.
“I don’t want to” I wailed before her.
“I know, but please I don’t have it in me to turn my back on you so I beg you Dhruv, please say nothing…just walk away and please do not try to contact me, I won’t pick up, just let this be the perfect end” I felt low, but I knew I couldn’t cajole her, I can’t make her come back to me but I was hopeful that my love would ultimately pull her, and she would be back herself…
“Okay, but I need you to know that I love you, and I’ll always do”
She put the phone down, didn’t hang up just slid it down from her ear. She leaned on balcony, resting her weight on her toes. She didn’t give me a flying kiss, or even repeated my words. She just looked in my eyes, I gazed into them and it was enough to know of her love for me.
I signaled her to pick up the cell again.
“Muskan just do one last thing for me.”
“Those hair strand falling nearby your lips, just tuck them behind your ears for me” I puffed into cell.
She smiled, and raised her left hand and gently tucked them behind. I smiled, behind my tears and turned away. I could not dare to look back, I had captured her smiling face, and that’s what I wanted for memory.
Maybe she walked right back in her room; maybe she just stood there and cried. I don’t know I trudged my way out her neighborhood without even blinking once.
I trembled my way towards my house, but I never left gaze of my cell. Finally it beeped, and I glanced away before one final glimpse; it showed 117 minutes.
I was freezing in the chilly wind, but I felt colder inside.
Maybe after half an hour of strolling I reached my apartment. I started climbing; the tubelight of the stairs leading towards my floor was out. My courage, my legs finally gave up. It was dark; I was at last away from peeping eyes. I rested against the wall, and slid downwards. I sat down, and pressed my knees against my stomach. I coiled my arms around them and clutched my elbows together tightly to somehow physically salve the pain; I failed.
I just kept staring blankly at the wall in front of me, tears furiously running down. I wanted to be scowled at; but there wasn’t anyone to tell me to wipe my tears, I was alone…..
18th Jan 2015
I wish situations were less complicated, because I was as baffled as you might be right now. I just simply couldn’t fathom what was going around, hell! I didn’t even know what to feel about her. All I knew was that, it was probably the last time I saw her, and it really was the final call.
I could not see her, touch her, talk to her or hear her. And obviously that wretched my heart, I missed her badly. Maybe that was the first time I felt grief for myself because I could see what it was doing to me, and the thought of what it could turn into was even more intimidating.
But even being depressed or broken could not quell my rage against her. After all I had done for her I deserved to be with her in her final days, and if it was to be the road to her recovery, I deserved to witness that, I guess I was that special after all. If anything at all, there couldn’t be a possible reasonable explanation to scavenge me out of her life.
Circumstances were just too hard to comprehend, and I gave up.
I think love should come up with a ‘handle with care’ sticker and a user manual, because more often than not one finds itself in complicated situations.
I wasn’t crying I was just too frightened to do that or anything at all. The best and worst thing she did to me was to take me to a different world altogether. It felt magical, because I was happier than I ever thought I could be, but as they say…the happier they make you, the sadder we become once they leave. I was trapped; in our world, in her thoughts. Burning inside from her memories seemed like a better option than to even pretend to be normal.
My whole world had swayed, and the one who held it in place for so long had just turned her back on me and walked right out my life, leaving me to rot by myself. I had simply nothing left except hope…hope that things would work out, hope that she would be healthy, and hope that she would be in my arms again…
Hopes are enough for man to survive upon, but once in a while even hopes requires a miracle to live upon…just a slight gleam is enough, but what if there is nothing except darkness all around, and there is no will to light up anymore.
A person needs a reason to live for, something to fight for, and something to look forward to. The fire inside that burns to make dreams come true is what defines a person’s living. She was everything and I fought everyday just to make her smile, but even my reason for existence betrayed me, I had nothing to fight for, no more dreams, nothing to look forward to. It felt as if I had nothing more to give, practically I was just dead inside.
I was still breathing, but it was not living, it was just not dying. On second thought, she meant my life, she defined me, our love described my identity…I could’ve pulled myself up, after all I had done something like that before also…but sooner or later, wasn’t all of it going to end anyway?
It was just another day in my miserable life. It was Sunday, a day off from school. I still used to go only because maa told me to, and moreover I could not let her suffer due to my sorrow. Infact watching her gave me strength to actually try to get myself normal, she deserved better than a heart-broken depressed son.
Even Muskan’s gratitude, her display of affection, her acceptance of love, those sweet and kind caring concerns overtime lost their charm, their meaning…now they were just words for me. Because if the fuck she really cared about my well being, she would’ve know that it is only her presence in my life which makes it worth living.
As you might have guessed, few days after that night I did end up calling her, only to find out I was blocked of all social contacts. My anger reached new heights when I asked Avni to help me out, only to hear that she isn’t even responding to any subject related to me. I was despondent, but I promised myself that it would be my last act of desperation.
But even amidst all those dark thoughts, was shining a gleam of hope that healthy or not, she would return home, miss me bad and we would be together again…
I was tossing up and down in my bed, trying to figure out what to do. It was hard deciding for some task to somehow get over with the day. Movies, songs or novels were simply out of question; it reminded too much of her.
My cell flashed, a call was a welcome change. I really wasn’t in contact with my friends anymore.
But the name startled me; I was scared and surprised the same time. It was Ayesha. For no particular reason, such unexpected calls from Ayesha or Avni used to really scare me a lot; it always ringed a feeling of omen within. Just even the thought of death had shaken me completely from inside. Anyway she said that it was something really important and asked me if I could meet her at her home.
I was reluctant at first, I was aware of what I was about to step into, her home was like a big box of memories and that would have been sufficient to put me in another panic attack for some days. But I was tensed by the seriousness in her voice, so I gave up my irrelevant concerns and headed for her home, after taking a shower. It had been days, and I was looking too shabby.
I knocked on the door, she opened it up. There was no one apart from her. Without wasting anytime she rushed me towards Muskan’s room without even saying a word. On the way, I glanced into her room, and I noticed some half packed suitcase lying on the floor, with pile of clothes on the bed. I was getting anxious and curious by the minute, but put halt on my thoughts as we entered her room.
It smelled dusty; probably not cleaned from many days. In fact things laid in a wayward manner around everywhere. There was a canvas on table, with few paint colors. The teddy wasn’t in the usual position on the bed. It all looked so disorganized; so unlike her. If Ayesha has done that, she is going to be in lot of trouble once her sister comes back.
But likewise, she too kept gazing around with teary eyes. I sensed she was missing her too, but I couldn’t have handled tears. Tears are a contagious disease, and they spread at wild speed. I began the conversation, as it was turning really awkward.
“How are you?”
“I’m alright” she sounded low, so unlike her. Why is she so downcast, what is the matter?
“Where is aunty?”
“She went to Mumbai yesterday”
“And you are packing for…?”
“I will be staying at my uncle’s house for sometime” her voice cracked. I could not understand her mood; I waited till she regained her composure “He will be coming any minute now”
“So you told me there was something important?” I rushed to the main point. I wanted to get over with it at earliest, the room was nostalgic plus I did not want to be caught alone with a girl by a stranger.
“Wait a second” she opened the almirah; the first one with clothes. Out of nature, I peeped into it. It was really empty, how many days is she planning to stay in Mumbai? She slapped her head, angrily…and then opened the cabinet. She took something out from the drawer and I simply could not believe my eyes. She held Muskan’s personal diary…how the hell could she forget that? What is happening??
“Here, she wanted you to have it”
“Me?” I asked, shocked, confused, my mouth agape. She just smiled.
I was opening it up, but she interrupted me in between.
“No, stop!” she screamed, “Don’t open it now, then I would want to read it too”
“She wants only you to read it”
I nodded in full understanding. I was amazed by her control, how could she not feel intrigued?
“So, how is she?” I wondered if she knew about our breakup, or our drifting away or…hell! Even I didn’t know what it was…
“She is good”, apparently she knew. Her voice cracked yet again, something was seriously wrong. I was getting scared with each passing second.
“Is she ready for surgery yet?” I inquired.
“No, but we are still working on it” her voice decimating even lower.
“Okay, any idea when she might be coming back?”
“I don’t know” her voice meek. I figured she did not want to talk to me, possibly the topic was too melancholic or she must have been getting late for packing.
I was about to leave, I quickly ran my eyes around, trying to mentally capture the image. It very well might have been the last time I was there. My eyes welled up, and I knew it was time to depart but I still had one question to ask. One answer I desperately wanted to know and I simply couldn’t leave without knowing it.
“Does she miss me?” I tried hard not to wail.
“I don’t know” her voice was barely audible, drowned in sobs.
I turned quickly to leave; maybe I was making it too hard for her.
I had just reached the door when she called for me.
“Dhruv, wait!” she cried,” I can’t do this to you”
“What’s the matter?” I was really confused. I knew something had to be wrong.
“There is no surgery” tears ran down profusely.
“WHAT?” I was left distraught.
“Yes, and she is hit by fever again, and it is severe. Her situation is getting worse.” She sobbed heavily.
I felt dizzy; I gulped down my tears and took rest against the wall.
“So what is she doing in Mumbai?” words barely escaped my mouth.
“She is staying at nana’s place, maa is there too”
“So when is she coming back?” my voice quivered.
“Don’t you understand, Dhruv” she winced, “She’s not coming back, she left”
“But why?” I wailed.
“Because she wanted to be alone, she wanted to live her final days away from the place where she had spend such happy moments. She could not let her friends see her like that”
“So she just ran away?” even I couldn’t stop my tears.
“She wasn’t that strong to see all of you sad for her, it was just too hard for her to die in front of you” so freaking typical of her. Even in her final days, she cared about others’ grief. I could understand her feelings, she has always been the cheerful one, and it was only just that she leaves us the same way she always was with us. But if she wanted to leave with all the happy memories, then why the hell she pushed me away?
We just kept crying. Finally she decided to be the strong one.
“I thought you deserve to know the truth” she gave a wry smile, “So listen, I am going to go pack now and you just look around, see if anything else you want to take with you” she hurried outside. I doubted if Muskan had given her permission to access all her belongings, but I guess she took the liberty looking at my crestfallen face.
I opened her cabinet and began my search. I emptied her wooden box of toys and stuffed it with as many painting and artwork as possible. I was definitely not leaving them behind. I even took those novels we read together, and also her handmade posters. With nothing more to take from stationery section, I secretly turned to her wardrobe.
I furiously searched for that dress I gifted her, but apparently she took it with her. I don’t know why, she could’ve hardly worn it in front of her family. So instead, I took one of her salwar-suit. I hid them at the bottom of the box, I even thought of taking her make-up accessories but that would’ve been stepping over the line.
Well my intentions were pure; I just wanted to have as many memories with me as possible. I called out for Ayesha, and asked for laptop. I wanted to take those photos which I didn’t have; also I wished to find some of her childhood photos. She had once sent me one of those, and she looked extremely cute in that.
The doorbell rang, her uncle was there. I closed the laptop. The photos were always going to be there, I wasn’t worried about them. I was crying for the one in them.
“Tell her, I took it with me” I told her as I grabbed the teddy.
She rushed downstairs to greet him. It gave me some seconds to glance once more. I filled myself with the smell, but it has lost its aura. The beauty was gone; the ambience was woeful. Once her fortress was now left just a room….
Frightened by the blankness,
The white page cries.
Wishing to be scribbled once more;
With secrets, that within it lies.
Forever, meant to be hidden,
Now ‘not-so’ private diary opens to all.
Curious eyes gazing freely into them;
There’s no one left to scowl.
Accompanying in its sorrow, is canvas,
Half painted with dark sky….
Desperately waiting for sunrise; in vain
As the brush dipped in paint left completely dry.
Mirror frowns at its own reflection,
Its eyes craving for the pretty face,
That astonishing smile, self appraising gaze;
Amused by her own elegance, her grace…
Brush; infuriated by the dust layer,
Waiting to be stroked gently against cascading hair
The soft toy lying unattended on the floor,
Feeling lonely; no hugs for him anymore…
Sobbing window, getting spattered by itself in rain;
No peeping fingers through; left alone in pain…
The walls, the room, aghast by ignorance,
The cacophony wasn’t ever again heard
With wing open, sailing in the wind;
To the heaven, flew away my little bird…..
I rushed towards home and locked myself in room. Without wasting any time, I opened the diary and started flipping through the pages. The first entry was of first day of the year, she and Tushar had gone to some restaurant…my eyes were stuck on the word ‘romantic’ and for some inexplicable reason, a shiver of jealousy ran through me.
Apparently there were only occasional entries in the diary. My initial enthusiasm vanished, as soon as I read the entry of the day I dropped unannounced at her house…there was mention of words like ‘stupid’ and ‘stalker’, I preferred not to go into detail so I decided to skip first few months. There was no entry of time we met at theatre. I could not find out what made her accept my request. I began searching for my name around the time when our chat started, and I smiled by being finally referred to as ‘sweet’ and ‘nice guy’.
I felt angry over Ayesha for stealing her from me for some more days and ill advising her to work out her relation, well it was damn stupid of me to do the same! I re-read the page almost four times when she mentioned the moment in the garden.
The thing which really caught my eyes and amazed me was the turbulence in her heart around days of our forced separation. It was really interesting and amusing; what appeared to be a brief narration of the conversation that took place between her and Avni. I finally understood what Avni meant by being approved. She was falling for me, even when she was with Tushar though I didn’t read much out of lack of curiosity but that was the time she went through a very rough phase.
I gave up on my wry smile around the time of our choral bunk.
From there on, flood of tears poured down. There were initial tears out of happiness; that happened to me also then there were tears out of sorrow and then they juggled somewhere in between. I felt relived and heavy hearted at the same time.
There weren’t many entries after she had heard the news. Infact there was no real mention about the disease; maybe it was just too painful for her.
I was flattered by the fact that how much my words influenced her to get better.
I was confused, all the crap she told me about wanting to live alone, and spending her final time with family and in peace- there wasn’t even a single mention of it. It was night by the time I finished reading the whole diary. I was dejected by the fact that there was no entry of the Christmas day, which also was our valentine’s day.
There was just this entry about my birthday, and then the one when we had our propose day…and I had proposed and gifted her all the poems I ever wrote on her.
That was it…
I scanned the whole diary yet again to see if I had missed anything, but there was simply nothing. No mention as to why she chose to push me away, something inside me told that it sure must have been hard on her too, and there was certainly something she was hiding from me.
I noticed the last entry yet again. While gazing it, my eyes got stuck on the corner. It was a bit torn. I ran my fingers through the joint…yes!! Few pages had been ripped from the diary. There was something missing, and I had a great feeling that it is something damn important.
So I began searching for it…
I went through all her artworks, shuffled all the pages of novels in desperation to find those pages. I found nothing..
It surely is something significant, special…but if she had torn the pages, it only means that she has those close to her. She won’t have left it out in the open to be easily found out.
But I had not given up the hope; she had practically taken nothing from her belongings pertaining to what she called her ‘treasure’. She had left every happy memory behind so that she could live some days without the pain of missing out on joyful moments.
I laid down on bed hugging the teddy and running my hand in its fur, the same way she used to, it smelled of her. I kept staring at the ceiling thinking where she might have hidden those pages. If they were so secretive that she tore them even from her ‘private’ diary and has hidden it somewhere, there was absolutely no chance Ayesha or Avni might have that. Suddenly my fingers felt a small strand of loose thread around the back of the teddy. I turned on the lights and looked at it; it was hand stitched, properly yet not too meticulously. I tore it open, and took out the cotton stuffing. I found three pages of her diary, stapled together…it was her last note….it read:
6th Jan 2015…
He came, like he always does, for me. His love, his desperation is amusing, special. But wasn’t I desperate too when I called him? No, I wasn’t. I was selfish. No matter how hard I battle with my own heart, I always lose. I can’t leave him, ignore him, push him away or pull myself back. I simply can’t do it, atleast not being here. In front of his eyes, I will always kneel before the love he holds for me. Even a moment of separation would make my heart yearn for him even more, missing him like hell.
But as I looked down at his teary face tonight, I was assured that my decision is correct. I need to run away. I wish there was an easier way, but there isn’t. I hate lying to him. I never had. Avni is unhappy too, but even she knows it is the right thing to do. He may keep saying that it’s all in my head, but I still think she really has a crush on him. And why shouldn’t she? He is…uhh! He is mine. That’s it. I can’t share him.
It was heart-breaking to hear him cry. I feel terrible; pathetic…I can never forgive myself. Fortunately, I don’t have to live this guilt for long!
I guess it is for best. He has already given me everything, but I can ask for no more. It was selfish in the first place to let him suffer for me,
I can see the sorrow in his eyes; I know how hard it must be for him. My misery, my grief had already caused him so much pain, but now it has reached limit. I tried to stop him, but he just wouldn’t stop caring. But I guess it was half hearted because I was really happy with the way he made me smile, I enjoyed him being here, being taken care of…over last few months he gave me most special, magical and memorable moments…and if possible I would cherish them even after my death.
It’s so hard to pick one, but if I had to choose most beautiful moment, it would be the one in the garden, when we almost kissed. I had this intuition long before, but that day I was assured that he loves me and he just never stopped, he kept loving me….and if anything at all, it just kept getting bigger. But now it’s time to repay his eternal love; it’s time to care about his well being, his happiness.
He may never forgive me but I would prefer losing him as compared to watching him lose himself for life. I have been graced by his over-whelming love; but now that same love is scaring me. I feel frightened to think about his future, it is every girl’s dream to have someone who makes her feel most special, and he does; every second. But I know how emotionally involved he is, I mean everything to him, he calls me his life. It feels great; but intimidating. Especially after what he did, when I stupidly broke up with him. I can’t see him getting hurt in any way. I am worried that he may try to do something similar after…
I can look through his façade; I can see how aghast he is. Now I feel what he must feel everytime…I can’t do anything about my sickness but I can try to change the way he feels about me. Sometimes being away is the only expression of love to save those we genuinely care about. He will hate me but it is worth smile on his face. I still don’t know if it will work but I am hopeful.
Because he only taught me what’s life without hope, without dreams, without love…what’s worth living if not lived for happiness of loved ones. Ohh! I don’t know about afterlife but if there’s one…I will miss him like hell! I will miss his shyness, his awkwardness, his cute imaginations, his stupid jokes, his lovely poems, our wired escapades, the way he tucks my hair behind my ear…the moment we completed the ‘unfinished business’ was definitely the happiest of my life.
He would often ask, ‘Muskan am I too weird?’ ‘You’re perfect’ I would reply. And that is the truth. He is weird, but I wasn’t being a big person. I did not like him despite his flaws actually I loved him for his imperfections. He is always like a kid, asking too much, thinking too much. And I would happily pamper him because he never had been. He found his solace in me, and I in him.
He always says I give a meaning to his life but he did even more. He gave me a new one. He taught me to live bigger, to live happier. He taught me how fun it is to be crazy, how magical it is to be natural.
Even though he proclaims more, we both are foolishly, insanely lovesick people.
But I know what I mean to him. He needs to express his feelings to more people. Maybe some people are such that they always need help. He will need support, he always had. He is more sweet and sensible than everyone believes. Because the day he opened his heart and I could see what he really is, I gave him mine.
He is too nice a person to cry, I pray that nothing harms him. Please god, keep him safe, and keep him happy.
Now I know that he would be utterly wrecked for sometime after I would leave; but I will also be rightly punished. There can’t be a bigger grief then not being able to die peacefully in his arms.
They say that when two hearts connect, you can feel what other is feeling. And if that’s true…Dhruv I want you to know that I love you! I fucking love you so goddamn much that I will fight with God to send me back so that I can have hundred such beautiful deaths beside you. This is my last entry and I want for it to have the perfect end so I’m gonna quote some lines of his poem… it was titled ‘ A letter to god’…
She will finally reach where she does belong
Heaven must have missed her angel for long…
She won’t ever be heard, never be seen
You stole my sunshine. My life must be dim…
But you forgot she still lives within,
And this way you lose and I win...
’Cause it is the power of love you cannot defeat
With her, she will take my soul, my heartbeat.
She would be mine; I would be hers in that way…
Even a tragedy cannot pull her away.
And to keep her alive, I will live through pain
And just to embarrass you, I’ll be normal again...
And whenever someone will remember her,
There would be a special mention of my name...
For I was the boy who in her love went insane…
I put those pages aside. A few tear drops had already fallen on it and I feared it might smudge it further. Even though it made me happy inside, I still couldn’t come to terms with it. I didn’t know whether to feel blessed on her love or to be angry at her idiocy. She has pulled herself away….to keep me safe? That was naïve, although she had genuine reasons to be concerned about- I had been a desperate fool. But she had nothing to worry about because her memories would have kept me safe even on my weakest days. Let alone actually doing it, I won’t have even thought of harming myself after making the promise to her…
I checked my watch. It showed 01:13. I decided to call Avni the next morning thinking that she’d have slept already, only she could have placed me in contact with her. And since she would’ve known that I also know about the plan, she surely would have arranged a talk with Muskan. For the first time in so many days, I was finally ready to rest. The turbulence in my heart had vanished. Those fatal flames of anger washed away.
But there was still one fight left… fight to bring her back, fight to shudder her nonsense, a fight for love….
If god weren’t to be merciful and have his way, she shall have what she demands. I could wait no longer to have her back.
I will be there sitting in darkness, by her ragged little breaths, her incessant coughs, her dry skin, her whimpering. She will get what she wants…she will get to sleep in peace in my arms.
I will be there, by her bedside, caressing her hair, gently brushing her face with my knuckles. I would give to her my hand to squeeze when she would be in pain. I will cuddle next to her, when she would feel chilly.
I will be there, even though it would shatter me, I will be there, wiping her tear, smiling for her, telling her everything is ok, kissing back of her hand.
I will be reminding her of all the beautiful moments we spent, together, so that she smiles. She would laugh, one last time, for her, for me.
Her skin won’t be itchy, her face no more dull. She will shine, sparkle, her pretty face would be bright, cheerful, as it always was.
I will lean for one last kiss, gently resting my lips above hers. I would retrieve but go back again, for just one more time.
I will rest my head beside her, and taking her hands in mine, cupping them, I will drown my face in her hair, whispering how great they smell.
I will be there, as she would squirm, coughing heavily. She would rise up, and I will rub her back easing her to lie down again. As last of her breaths will escape from her body, I would feel her shiver, I will ease her pain. I will kiss her cheek, as she would inhale slowly, her pulse getting slow.
I will ensure that for one final time, she listens from me, how madly I love her. She would try to speak the same but I will stop her placing my index finger on her lips, pursing them.
’I know’ I would tell her.
My tears would finally run down from my eyes, as she will take her last breath. Her grip will loosen, and after a while I will free my hand.
I would simply lay there with her as she would make her way to heaven. I will force my hands to close her eyelids, would close mine too.
I know she can’t listen nor speak, but I could sense she is calling for me, that she is missing me.
She is waiting.
I would finally get up, move forward, then take a step back, leaning to her cold corpse, gently rubbing my nose on her ears, I will whisper, “don’t worry, I will be there soon”
19th Jan 2015…
The cell buzzed. It was 03:19. I wake up from my thoughts. It was Avni. I picked up to the wailing sound….my Muskan slept. She went without me. I was no more…..
It had been days, it was time to meet…
I looked, hand showed ‘six’ on the wall…
‘She should’ve woken up’ I sprang to my feet
I hurried outside and placed her call…
She didn’t pick up.
She wasn’t there.
I rushed to her house, called her name
No response, nothing that I could hear…
I entered her room; it was all the ‘same’
Even the lizard on roof; she used to fear
She didn’t freak out and hug me this time.
She wasn’t there
I reached school, leered on the second floor
Saw many faces; nothing as pretty as hers…
I stood outside, my gaze transfixed on door.
I felt sad, nothing could be worse
She didn’t come out.
She wasn’t there.
I looked around, startled by what it showed…
The same wind in which her hair blew
The sunlight, in which her face glowed
With each passing moment my anxiety grew
I wished to smile, the smile that could wasn’t there.
I wanted to cry, but no one would care.
My world had disappeared in a single blink….
Everything was there, yet I had nothing…
I was a fool, looking where she has gone to hide
When all I had to do was to look inside
In the moment of panic, I took a pause…
I closed my eyes, and there she was!!
It is just another evening in my dull, miserable, depressed life. I am staring blankly at the sunset. The color at the twilight doesn’t seem enlightening, maybe because I am watching it with teary eyes. I just finished re-reading her last note…I am worried about the pages; they are getting smudged by my tears and frayed by dust…it is important that I keep it safe; it is most beautiful memory I have left of her.
I wonder if she is actually frowning at me or is it just in my head. I can’t help but be filled with regret. Despite what her last note read; I still believe there was something more I could have given her. She always wanted to get married; I should have atleast gotten her an engagement ring or dared enough to seek permission from home and taken her out for a vacation.
I could have taken her to art galleries around the world or even better I should have arranged an exhibition of her artworks; unrevealing the artist she concealed.
I am quite upset about it, but I am also aware that at this very moment she is looking down at me, smiling at my thoughts, amused by my stupidity. Knowing the sort of person she is, I know she is cherishing all the little special moments we spent together.
“These little things aren’t so little” she once told me. I believe in afterlife. Infact I can feel her around me. I just wish if I could touch her, even if not all of her; just her face and her hairs-if I could just smell them for one last time. I bet I am missing her more than she is.
I have faith that there is another world after the end. Given her nature, she must have made a lot of friends there too, though I am a little scared about boys hitting on her. She is mine, she always will be. I trust her; I think she would have made it pretty clear to them also.
“Tell us something about Dhruv? Tell us your story?” her friends must ask.
I can hear her response in my heart- “Ours was simple kind of love, ours was just another love story”