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How My Gay Uncle F'ed Up Christmas

By Nicholas Black All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Drama

Blurb

In this coming of age story a tragic accident leaves Trevor looking for a place to call home. Now that his parents are gone the only one he can turn to is his uncle Gary--the legendary fetish-porn producer. Afflicted with erectile-OVER-function, Trevor finds himself surrounded by new friends, a new school, and an environment that he could never have imagined. He begins to learn that the past he thought he knew was a well constructed lie. Little by little, the disturbing truth is brought to the surface and he discovers that guidance and enlightenment can come from the most unlikely of people. But just when he thinks he is getting his life back together, tragedy strikes again. And then he is given the Diary. Trevor begins to unearth they mystery of Gary, Bruce, and his own twisted background as things begin to unravel! Be warned--this story is not for the faint of heart. It is an incredible mix of mystery and comedy, turmoil and suspense. Sodomy Cat has a way of getting under your skin. It'll knock on your door at 3 in the morning, sneak into your bedroom, and pull your panties down.

Prologue

Today, 9:32 am . . .

These chairs are less comfortable than having a bunch of rusty old nails shoved up your ass. And as I try to politely squirm around I’m feeling this kind of pulsating feeling in my pants. My slacks—that I’ve only worn twice in my life—they’re just light and smooth enough to slide by my boxer briefs in just the right way. I don’t know if that’s by design or if I’m just being hypersensitive. But I’m swelling for sure.

I swear to god, if I get an erection during a funeral . . . that will just be the end of it.

The final chapter in my skewed life.

Like dominoes, my embarrassment will be broadcast to the world in fleeting perverse fragments on Snapchat. I might end up trending on Twitter with a bunch of perverted hash tags I can’t even imagine. Heck, 15 pathetic seconds on Instagram is all it would take for the human race to banish me to the hills.

My gay uncle Gary, he once told me to think of old women getting torn apart by ravenous wolves whenever I feel a chubby coming. He said that’s the image that short circuits your brain into killing the blood supply to your wood.

He said it’s an age-old technique.

But if you think of that scene even one time while you’re masturbating . . . that’s it. From that moment on a pack of wild dogs chomping down on a bunch of old biddies is the turn-on of all time. So I’m trying not to think about that one, anymore.

When you’re sitting at a funeral, all sorts of things go swimming through your mind. Imagine ideas as electric eels just sparking and shocking those dark places in the back of your mind where you store all the really subdued, bridled memories you don’t care to think about. Ethereal, surreal, thoughts. All those skeletons in your proverbial closet.

Well, in my family model, the memories are a bit more unusual and unconventional—something between grotesque and absurd. Anyway, this is one of those stuffy occasions where you think about the things you desperately want to forget.

And there’s a peculiarity to everything. Like we’re all stuck in a graphic novel where colors have smells and people are two-dimensional. Everything gloss-covered and the perspective is off just a tinge. You know, we’re all wearing drab colors, and people aren’t sad enough to cry, but they don’t dare smile. They keep it just dark enough in here that even the people who are still alive might as well be corpses.

The living seem more dead than those who are speaking to us from the grave.

There’s a lot of furtive gesturing, shifty eyes and whatnot. I think this guy in front of me is somebody from my uncle’s side of the family. He’s got the same male-pattern baldness going on. Same pasty white skin with three or four coats of magic-tan spray—sun in a 6-ounce bottle. I don’t know if he’s gay or straight, or on one of those fences that bi-curious people find themselves straddling during their mid-30s. The woman that’s with him has jet-black hair that, up close, looks like strands of nylon. Like high-tensile strength fishing line. Guitar strings painted black.

People here don’t know how to be people. Honestly, I can’t tell you if any of them actually have any genetic connection to me. Biologically, I would put them somewhere between Homo erectus and Homo sapiens. They walk upright and basically understand how to use tools, but the concept of having a television screen on your cell phone boggles their minds. If they knew you could get on Google and see yourself from space they would probably shit all over themselves.

These are people pretending to be real people.

And I’m not just talking about that nice old lady with bluish-grey hair and mismatched earrings who thinks this is a wedding. I’m not referring to the well-dressed Hispanic midget in the front row that’s holding hands with a blond that could easily be a swimsuit model.

When you find yourself in an environment like this, with clocks not even ticking, at all . . . you have time to ponder the fabric of the universe. My mind is analyzing everything from a theoretical viewpoint. I could be Einstein, or Roger Penrose, or Stephen Hawkings. I need to focus on complex mathematical formulas.

Anything so that I don’t get a hard-on. You have to think of the more philosophical stuff.

That being said, I guess I need to tell you how my gay uncle fucked-up Christmas.

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Wapple02: I fell in love with this story from the first sentence. It was written beautifully, there were some grammatical errors, but besides that it was awesome. I cried every time I read the last chapter. I read the last chapter seven times. I don't want it to be over.

Jolene Diane Renninger: This is probably one of the better books I have read lately. The book seems more realistic and hits home to so many people and how real things can be. Well worth the read.

Yuh-Huh!💅🏻: Great Story Line! I love that its a light drama with more romantic moments and hints of funny aspects. Continue the passion for writing and we can’t wait for your future stories!❤️

Susan O'Reilly: Hard subject made easy to read with beautiful writing. Highly recommend

Sara Enouri: It was an amazing book!! The ending was a cliffhanger which I strongly dislike but the book was soooo good!! I hope the author plans on writing a sequel:)

Deleted User: This is my go to book whenever I want a laugh or to feel good. 🙂👌

Helloitsemily: I am a girl that gets bored easy so does lots of things at once but this was incredible it made me read all of it and not get bored

Erineda: This book is amazing !!!I just have one question,Are Nicki and Brady together now ( chapter 28-29 ) ???

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Dessie Williams: I read the first book and now this one, they both are really good stories. love the characters,. loved painting the story in my head, the ending was awesome. Hope the series continue . Great job .... You Rock!!!

Alkira Joan: amazing story and plot, you just need to work on re reading and punctuation and gramma .'.........................................................................................................,.,.,..,.,.,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,..,.,.,.,..,.,..,.,.,..,.,..,.,.,.

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