I never thought something this would ever happen to our family, never even thought it could touch our family. Now I know just how wrong I was, to even think that. I just wish that there could have been something I could have done to change the outcome. I never knew how helpless a situation could make you feel until I endured one that I didn’t know how to handle. I always thought that the worst thing that could happen to us was losing our parents unexpectedly. Boy was I wrong things could always get worse. None of it was because of we lived on the wrong side of the tracks, this had nothing to do with social or economic situations, though I suppose someone on the right side of the tracks could have been able to prolong the inevitable, unlike those of us who had to struggle to make ends meet. However, there was no guarantee that the situation wouldn’t have ended the same no matter which side of the tracks you were from. I would have given my own life to change the ending but I couldn’t and it only ended up making me feel more hopeless and useless. It wasn’t a feeling that I liked very much. No one liked having their power slowly stripped away from them, leaving them weak and unsure of themselves. Why fate had thought that we could handle this on top of everything else no one knew. Maybe fate just wanted to make things harder for us, to somehow make us stronger. I happened to think this was utter bullshit how could watching your loved ones suffer make them stronger? The answer to that question was anyone’s guess. I certainly didn’t have the answer. It certainly didn’t make me stronger by watching a kid struggle to hang on to a life that didn’t want him anymore. It didn’t make me stronger to watch him fight for his last breath of air. The kid hadn’t wanted to leave his family, he was so young had so much to life for. But fate was a heartless bitch, taking him away from those that loved him more than life itself. Fate didn’t care that it drained the family of everything, fate wouldn’t be satisfied until this family was laid low. Yes, fate was a cruel bitch but nothing could be done. Sooner or late fate would return to take the remaining two not caring about the friendships wrecked, and the damage left behind. Fate didn’t care about the pain and anguish it left in its path.
It was a shame that life couldn’t be made to follow the orders of the person living it. Though taking away all unpredictability would lead to a boring a dull life, without unpredictability they might as well turn themselves into zombies. Without unpredictability there would be no pain, nothing would ever hurt emotionally anyways, but without unpredictability there would be no joy or laughter either. without pain no one could really live, without pain there could be no joy. Yes, it sucks having to go through something that really hurts. Eventually though pain goes away and joy and happiness takes its place filling the place that pain once lived. No one wants to deal with situations that hurt but they do make you grow. You learn how to deal and maybe next time it won’t hurt as much.
Even standing at the foot of a freshly dug grave, agony threatening to break me. I wonder if it wouldn’t be better off to be unfeeling and cold, like a certain late friend had been. The truth of that though my little brother wouldn’t have wanted me to be like that. He would want me to live to the fullest, to enjoy every moment that I could, to feel every inch of the pain that his loss brought. By facing it you learn to live without it, eventually fate will bring you joy again, but first you have to go through the storm. Nothing hurts more than losing someone as young as my little brother. He had suffered tremendously before life finally allowed him to be free from the pain. That’s why even as I stand there at his grave with tears in my eyes. I knew that I wouldn’t bring him back because he had suffered through so much in life and he deserved to be free from that. So while my heart was hurting because he wasn’t with us any longer, I was could be glad that his suffering was over. When one suffered as much as he had you only wanted the pain to end for them. You didn’t care about the little brother shaped hole that would be left in your life, you just wanted them to be free and happy once again. You know also that no matter where he went, you carry him close to you in your heart and your memories, nothing would ever be able to erase him. Those memories would be what carry you through the really difficult moments of missing them.
For a while you might think that you can’t go through this, it’s just too difficult. But when you see a sunset you can almost see your little brother sitting on the back porch, a lit cigarette perched between two fingers as he stares out at the sunset. Moments like these hurt but they also bring about a small amount of healing. That brother shaped hole in your heart gets just a little bit smaller.
As days go by when you think of him, it doesn’t hurt as much and then eventually when you think of him, it only brings quiet joy. The tears that you have shed to get to this point are a distant memory, a brief shadow that blocks the sunlight. When you can finally look back on his memory with a smile instead of tears, you know you are finally back on track to living the way he would have wanted you to.