Nicolette Christiansen

I am a dyslexic writer ready to represent the learning disability community! Thank you all for reading the craziness that goes on in my head =D

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Prologue-Chapter 1 Review

Prologue

So true. Everyone believes in your when you’re younger and tells you it has meaning

“the moment you think you have it all figured out…” that line is so true

Thank you for having wonderful grammar! I feel like I can really enjoy the story without the distraction

I am going to say that the beginning of this is a LOT of telling and little showing…Is there a way you can incorporate this into the actual story line? Like, in a conversation or something? That’s just a personal style preference.

Like I (am) an average teen girl

I am currently 19(,) and I guess

Chapter 1
I miss(ed) summer

I’m glad she has ambition to get money for herself. Shows her independence

fifty-(no space)something-year-old

Again…there’s a lot of telling in this chapter as well…

What’s up(,) Dakota?

Hey(,) Sexy

I love the scene of her doing her hair. I have so many of those in my novels too…it’s so true and completely natural.

Come on(,) Dakota

Great! You said they are seniors. That gives me an age :)

I like how she keeps referring to high school as hell and prison…we all did, didn’t we?

Great job so far! I'll stop here for now and wait for your turn to swap. Can't wait to read more though!!

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Swap return

Great plot. Good job. Some punctual mistakes such as:
“I’m fine(,) (M)um”

Pretty long first chapter, but a lot of potential. I think if you were to cut it back it would be much more hooking.

Great job!

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Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I love the beginning. Nice strong descriptions. However! A LOT of these sentences start with His..try to switch that up and it would make the writing much more fluid. Just an opinion

Great grammar by the way. Helps me stay in the story :)

What is happening?!?! Is she kidnapped? Did she get in a car accident? Is she in a movie theater? Is she at school?? Okay “last period” helped!

four leaf clover sounds like foreshadowing

Ah who was this guy??? Was it a dream? So excited for a love interest

But(,) it’s your birthday

I like how Tracy and the MC (do we know her name yet?) are polar opposite. A very realistic feel of relationship

OOO so something’s going on with her on her sixteenth birthday! Is she a witch?

How is she not freaking out about the mark???? Does she know more than she’s letting on? I’d be running to the doctors. Especially if it was painful.

older or younger brother? Great! Older! All my questions are being answered. So did he have this mark? Is that why she wasn’t freakin gout about it….Do I keep missing her name?? I have it on text to speech cause I’m dyslexic, so I may have missed it =b

AHH is Tyler’s friend the guy she saw in the beginning? Just a guess….na never mind….Wait there’s still a chance…She’s questioning it too

Just letting you know that this is a long chapter…not sure if other people would consider it off-putting.

Is Mom one (no comma) too? You only need the commas if the “too” is in the middle of the sentence. At the end of a sentence you don’t need one.

AH! Dialla is her name ..duh…I remember that

Late bloomer? But it’s her birthday…Was all that supposed to happen at age 15?

Tyler should have told her a long time ago… The way he explains it is such a brat older brother way haha

Okay! Your turn if we are continuing our swap :)

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Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I’m guessing she lives alone?

I’m hoping an exciting incident happens on her day off!

There’s a LOT of telling and not showing with the beginning of this. Especially with the Anna background. It might be unnecessary. Perhaps bring Anna up earlier in the chapter…like “it was still quiet inside her sisters room”

YAY love interest!
I usually do a chapter 1 review, but I forgot!

Hey(,) Mattie

awww he’s intrigued. I would totally do what Mattie does. Try to run away from cute guys! hahahah

early(,) too(,) if you

Ooo love interest for the sis

Engaged!!! How long have they known each other???

I love that this chapter advanced the story a lot. I just want that guy from the store to come back already!!! When I'm writing and there's a love interest, I hate the parts he's not in haha I feel like that right now. All right! I'm all caught up on our swap. If you'd like to keep going it's your turn :)

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Chapter 1-2

Chapter 1

I’m not totally hooked with the first paragraph.

Is this a playwright?

If not, if a character is speaking out-loud you need to put quotations

(“) What the hell do you want(,) Damian?(“) I spat out

I like the dive into the action start along with her/his attitude

Great description of Mary. I have a very clear picture

Corey is a girl yes?

Chapter 2

Your style of writing is the type of writing I’m very attracted to. Down to the point and only explaining what is necessary. I don’t care much for flowery descriptions. I just want to know what’s going on in the story and less of what a cabinet looks like.

Is Damian going to be the love interest???

boots and (a) black T-shirt

hahah I like the “I almost died because you can’t use a damn map!” Line. It’s so true. No one can read a map these days, but in this situation where they are trained…they better damn know how to use a map!

A lot of tension between them. He’s kind of cocky and adorable.

OKAY. SO FAR I LOVE THIS THE MOST. I’m going to refrain from continue reading, because it’s your turn. I was only supposed to read one chapter, but I know I kept going =b

Great job!

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Chapter 1 for our swap :)

Chapter 1

I know formatting can be tricky, but there are no spaces between paragraphs. I think perhaps you missed the indents in your original draft, so it didn’t translate to Inkitt well?

My first impression is that there’s a lot of telling in the first few paragraphs.

Come on(,) Ryan.

“Hey(,) Liam,”

Oh so this girl knows Liam since she knows his name?

I’m longing for some description fo the girl. “a radiant smile” is a great description but I want more. Is she tall? short? blond hair? dark hair? Big eyes? small eyes? Just my personal taste for writing though!

about him(,) Evelyn.

conversation going.(space)

Media and journalism is such an odd place to end a conversation… Perhaps make the friends approach her and ask her to leave more dramatic instead of just saying…she left? It would be more fluid in my opinion.

guided her (toward) the door

towards is not a real word. Neither is backwards or forwards. It’s without the S. The only time you can professionally get away with it is if someone is speaking because we talk like that sometimes. But in narration it should be toward.

I love the reencounter with Evelyn at the end of the night :)I suspect a love interest. I like how he doesn’t really care for her…but something tells me that will change shortly.

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Review for our swap

Chapter 1

I love the description at the beginning, but it might just be a tad too much. I want the story to begin…but that’s just me being impatient. So the style of writing, I gave you 2 stars ONLY because I, personally, don't like a lot of description. That doesn't mean the descriptions are bad at all!! I just like the story to move on faster. But this isn't definite. This is just my first impression, and I'll probably be changing it as I read on.

And here(,) we are left with

No need to bold the boy who hates books….it’s already in quotations.

“No(,)” (I replied).
And(,) I’d mean it

I’m still waiting for the “truth” to come out….did I miss that part? If I did it was buried under descriptions :/

Oh is he sharing his feelings?

“It’s the best feeling ever(.)” (H)is smile warmed my heart

Oh it says I never did find out the truth…not sure why this is in bold too.

“Kristen(,)” he shouted…although there’s no need to put this all in caps…a simple exclamation point would make it more professional.

He got pushed (toward) me
Towards is not a real word. Neither is backwards or forwards. It’s without the S. The only time you can professionally get away with it is if someone is speaking because we talk like that sometimes. But in narration it should be toward.

“Go on then(,)” one man’s voice urged

Awww ours! Such a sweet ending. It makes me want to read more! I’ll wait for your review on my chapter 1 before I keep reading. Both of my stories are romance, but The Only One Who Can Hurt Me is definitely more of a romance…adult romance. The City’s Whispers is a teenage romance. So whatever you fancy! Can’t wait to read more :)

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Review Chapter 1-5

Chapter 1
“partner (no comma) enjoying the view

Probably a second world (!) one exclamation point

you say “we were searching for” but at that point, we don’t know who “we” is

I don’t suggest having the first few paragraphs a lot of telling and not showing. Just a bunch of imagery is not always gripping, especially when the first few paragraphs are long and bulky

(“) Where is my daughter?” the quotations are facing the wrong way

There’s a lot of information here and it’s hard to remember all of it…I hope that this stuff comes back up later in a more fluid way, so that I can remember it.

I like the idea of different gods and I love the name Intelina

I think it’s a personal style, but its a little too much to have THAT many capitals. It doesn’t make your point any more intense, it’s more off putting. A simple exclamation point can make your point more professionally. Just an opinion of course,

Aw her family :(

Why would she ask “how would this happen” and then say “come and take my life tooooooooooo?” just seems like an unnatural thought process? just my opinion

was standing (no comma) with his face half covered

Was King Whalros introduced earlier? I don’t remember hearing that name through the information you gave us, but it’s not a big enough cliff hanger…maybe introduce him earlier if you haven’t already?

Chapter 2:

“someone(,)” her father,

okay i’m going to slow it down on such detailed comments and just enjoy the story now

The time skips are very dramatic

“Oh God!!!! you’re missing a closing quotation somewhere

This had much more fluid conversations :)

Chapter 3:

I hope these characters start to intertwine with each other

Okay back in time

Back to Intelina

I like the paragraph of her at the beach

dum dum dum Whalros is there

Interesting. I love when books explain the title later in the book. 5 colored ropes. I’m guessing that’s the title meaning

Chapter 4

This chapter really does a good job developing all the characters and their feelings toward teach other

blindly(,)” said her

“But(,) I think…..that(,)” said her heart…not sure what said her heart means

magazines(,)” (s)he lied

Chapter 5

OO romance! My favorite.

Ahhh not as romantic as I’d hope it’d be…was that your intention?

Ahhhh why was he arrested?! How did Lara not know??

That's all the time I have for today. I hope this helped!

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Chapter 1 review

Great hook! I was confused if the 2018 was the dream because it was italicized…does that mean that 2008 was a dream too or just a flashback?

My style of review is to write as I am reading.

I love the image of a thousand hammers at once

aww It’s a love story =b Why do I feel like this guy is important to the story coming up?

The description/ introduction of Suraj was a bit confusing for me. Maybe clear it up a bit? Especially since it was the first time you've mentioned Suraj's name. It didn't connect with me the "my boyfriend" and then "Suraj".

OH, I see. Boyfriend seeing Mallika with another guy

Dang! Suraj is so intense. I don’t really like him so far.

I liked the addition of why she was attacked to Suraj to start with. Great depth to her character so far.

Omg I love that she doesn’t know why she’s okay with his treatment. I had that in my book too and so many people said it was dumb…I think its 100% accurate. People don’t know why! It’s so realistic!

I like how she doesn’t mind saying “fuck off” either. it makes me like her so much more. Not afraid to stick up for herself even though you’re hinting at his abusive nature. Great job!!

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1st Chapter Review

Great first paragraph. Very gripping. I want to know more about the assignment.

If he is thinking to himself, there should not be quotations marks. Those are only for things that are actually being said outlaid.

I’d like to know more about the imagery of the garden as the conversation goes on with Ian

Are they best friends?

How old are they?

It is a bit long of a first chapter…I don’t know if that would be off-putting for someone. Just something to keep in mind.

Ah, you just explained what the garden looked like.

I know Kyle is 19, but that would be a perfect opportunity to say whether he’s the older or younger brother. That way we know if the MC is younger than 19 or older.

Wow, the brothers are VERY sappy. I guess that's just a style preference. I don't see that often.

I’m not sure(.) I’m drunk,

I can see that Kyle’s relationship with his brother is very deep and complicated. Is that what you were hoping for?

I thought the ending of the chapter was very well placed. It hooks people into wanting to read more. :) Great job!

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