Laura Heasley

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Interesting

The idea of an older gentleman wishing to be young is not that uncommon but I like the way that you were able to make this a reality. Unfortunately, the grammar and punctuation issues make it difficult for me particularly to proceed properly but I will do my best. Also, nothing really flows properly. One minute he is in the dream, then he wakes up, only to go right back into the dream again. It seems very jumbled together, very rushed. Also, the way he goes from a wheelchair to a walker seems abrupt. If I'm understanding this correctly, it seems like every time he goes to the dreams, he wakes up a little healthier? If not, then the way he is wheelchair bound, then next thing you know he is walking with a walker is a little unrealistic, even for a fiction novel.

Also, in the second chapter, the whole scene where he is 'dying' but still 'alive' is very awkward and difficult to follow in my opinion. Something needs to be fixed in there so that it flows properly so readers can understand. Is he a ghost at that point? Is he watching this from a different perspective? It seems to me that one minute he is in the bathroom standing up, then the next, people are carrying him off in a body bag.

Those were just a few things that really stood out to me. This is a very interesting plot with lots of potential, but it also needs a lot of work as well. Best of luck with everything!

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Incredible!

Upon reading the blurb and seeing that it was about primates, my first thought was that it would be similar to Planet of the Apes. The monkeys and a serum created to enhance their intelligence are the only things that match. Everything else has completely spun off to something original and intriguing. The first chapter had me hooked and I unfortunately have to stop for the night, but I have made it up to chapter 6 and plan to continue tomorrow! The characters are all unique and I love the realistic romance between Laralee and Carl. I love how well you capture the emotions in each scene. I honestly don't know what else to say besides how wonderful it was. There's nothing I can find that I disliked. This is a wonderful story and I wish you the best of luck with the contest!

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So far so good

This has me intrigued, so I will definitely continue reading, but figured I would pause with the first two chapters for now. For the prologue, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was how often and repetitively used the phrase 'odd little man' to describe a person who I am assuming is the Grim Reaper in this story? While it is great to keep his identity a secret to the reader and entice them into diving into your story more, it is redundant. Maybe try using other characteristics to describe him? Also, I think it might flow better if you have John react to seeing his own dead body first before recognizing who the 'odd little man' is. Since this was a suicide, John already knew what he was planning to do when he stepped on that bridge.

For the first chapter, one big thing I noticed was the jumping back and forth between past and present writing style. The benefit is that it is an easy one to fix, though it may be tedious having to go back through entire chapters again. Aside from that, it is a very interesting concept, though I feel bad for Grafton at the end of that chapter. I'll definitely read more to find out what happens next. Good luck with everything!

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This is great!

This is a very interesting novel so far and I definitely can't wait to see the development with your unique characters. You do a very nice job with giving each of them different personalities and backstories. The only thing that threw me off a little was that this story takes place in the distant future, which makes me wonder just how far off in the future it is. The characters and setting seem like they are more in a medieval style of living with Kings and little technology, but then they jump ahead to having a dash on their forearms. It makes it a little difficult to keep up with exactly what technology they have or don't have, despite this being in the distant future.

Aside from that--and again, that's just my opinion--this is an awesome story and I am definitely going to keep reading. Great job!

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Swap for The Fire Seal

Well, this has an interesting start, but it needs a lot of work. To start, the first chapter was written mostly in present tense, with a few mix ups here and there. However, the following chapters were written in past tense. It's imperative you pick one style of writing and stick with it so it doesn't come off as lazy or sloppy. After that, you need to work on having things flow smoothly. A lot of the dialogue seems jumbled and jumps from one thing to the next. There is not a lot of transition or reaction really. For example, when Micah and Summer break up, even if she was hoping for it, nothing else happens. He just says one sentence and then she just runs off and it ends abruptly. That seems to be a common issue is that things are so abrupt and jumping from one thing to the next.

Best of luck with everything!

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Chapter 1

It's not a bad start but there's a lot of room for growth and development. For one thing, there's no real description of anything. Not the characters or the scenery. I can't picture what anything look like, so it makes it difficult to get involved in the story. Also, with everything happening to Mike, he's not nearly as puzzled and reactive as I expected. One big thing that stuck out was when he barreled outside the school bus while it was still driving. That thing isn't normal by any means but rather than showing any reactions, say like, from the bus driver, it skips ahead to a different scene. It's best to make things as realistic as possible. Also, even if Mike is a fan of scifi and other supernatural events, the fact that he just believes everything like that is a little unrealistic.

Again, it's not a bad start but it has some work to do. Good luck with everything!

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