Paperboy Jacky

Calgary, AB, CA

Aiming to bring magic to life through my thoughts and words, nicknamed Pyjamas or Py. Cat lover.

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Quick Review

This story is surprisingly scary...

So first things first. A scary machine. Ok. I get that.
It's sort of obvious with the title and genre that men were getting crushed between the gears. Just pointing that out.
The prologue is a bit short and could be seen as Chapter 1. Your chapters are a bit short, but that's okay.
So, I have no complaints on this story and it's just the prologue I see that's the flaw of your story. Not that your prologue wasn't written out nicely.

Comic Relief. I think it's great that the protagonist provides comic relief in a horror story. I don't write horror so if there shouldn't be comic relief, there shouldn't be. I don't write horror, so I shouldn't be judging this.

Everyone's gotta admit that the little boy sounds cute in the story.

So great story so far! Voted already!

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Needs work

Hi Kyle,

Just so you know, my feedback is only to help you be a better writer and give you a better chance in winning these contests as curator. So heed my words very carefully.

First of all, before you even think of submitting your story to these contests, please have a polished piece of work or even before you even uploaded these pieces of work. The reason is that people WILL NOT read your story when you have all these flaws flying around the story, making it very annoying for the reader to get through all these gaps in the path of adventure and action you set for them. Therefore, your audience level will be low. However, I must give you credit for having decent ideas laid out on the table. However, it should have been in your planning process. Your story is supposed to be complete and whole. Basically, this is expected when you post a story on Inkitt. Sure, it might have a few errors and such, but at least your audience can manage to read it without the annoyances in place.

However, there are three major errors that are severely hindering your reading audience. Please take note of what I'm going to tell you.

Title, Blurb, and Intro.

Your title needs to be good enough to grab the reader's attention. It is confusing when you put the title as Demons Hunters... now stop there for a moment. You are being redundant with those extra s'. It doesn't exactly appeal or stick to your audience's tongue. I think Demon Hunters does just fine. Also, your title is bland and uninteresting because it sounds common. I honestly have read a ton of stories that have similar titles and this is so important because you want to differentiate your story apart from the billions of stories out there, and the hundred thousands there are on Inkitt. So ask yourself if your title is unique, and other people too. Because if you plan on making this into a good series, I honestly don't think this title will stick.

As for your blurb, that first sentence is what kills your audience. The reason being is that you defined your audience's reaction. You cannot tell the audience that your book will be funny. It is a sign of arrogance and is what repels people away from reading this. It is that simple. Now back to my point earlier about a polished piece. A blurb is honestly not that hard to write and it is so frustrating to readers to see how bad a summary of your story is. Your blurb is SO IMPORTANT and I cannot stress this enough. This is what readers look at to determine if they want to read your story or not. And if that flawed blurb does not get refined, you will have a very hard time promoting your story.

As for your intro, do not write a table of contents in your intro, ever. In Inkitt, it is already on the right hand side. Also, your authors note is another thing that pushes your audience away. No one wants to read a story when there are mass technical errors that flood in your story. You are basically giving your audience a bad reading experience. Don't be selfish. I think it is already implied that you stated your work will be hugely flawed. If you want to write for others, in reality, your writing must appeal to your audience. Which brings me back to the point, mass technical errors are unacceptable to your audience. A couple is fine and they will be happy to point this out, but the only thing you will get about your story if you wish for your audience to not comment on the "dust" is plot. However, even that will be difficult for them to understand what is going on because they can't get over the fact that these technical errors are covering up your ideas. When you are explaining the backstory about this, I think this will be better suited at the end. Your readers do not want to know how your story came out of until you cause them to enjoy the great adventures you give them which will naturally let them want to know the process.

As a writer, I know it is so hard to accept criticism. I have had a ton of it tearing apart my babies. But this is what makes a writer stronger and better. However, don't use criticism as an excuse to write poorly. I know you can do way better. Don't ever rough write your entire story. That should have been done in your planning process. If you are the type of writer that just writes as you go, then please write to the best of your ability and realize that it isn't perfect but you did your best. Then, you will have way less to proof read. You shouldn't have to go from front to end and fix EVERYTHING. That will kill you unless you are absolutely okay with it. Plus, nobody will help you proofread when they see something like that, because there are simply way too many errors to point out and they don't want to become your beta reader.

I was tempted to give you the lowest ratings possible. However, the reality is that you have ideas and it is there, so I gave you just a little bit of credit. But with this awful lazy writing style of yours that you chose to do masks all this potential that your readers yearn to find. If you take my words into mind, you will go a long way. If you stop being lazy when you write this, I believe it can shine.

I know you will hate me for criticizing your work, but you know that deep down, this is all true and I'm only trying to help you. This is what it takes if you want to improve as a writer. Don't give your audience an excuse. This will only push them away. You should have tried your best from the very beginning and know that you'll be criticized. But later on, you will be a very good writer. Trust me, I've been through this kind of process and I believe this advice is the best that I can give you.

One other thing. You have the ideas. If you are happy with it, you should do the best that you can from the very beginning when you like the ideas. Don't give up just because you get bad reviews. Learn from it and use it to polish your piece. Also, I don't mind the swears in the book, but it would be more effective if your piece was cleaner in "dust". It takes a lot of effort to try and get the ideas that you want. So work with what you have that makes you happy. I hope you the best of luck to improve as a writer.

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Truly Amazingly Captured

I am extremely shocked at how well the essence of a teenager's pain is captured. I absolutely love how accurate and painful this is. When I get sad, I will probably read this every time!

As this author is not the type to express emotionally, this is an extremely well done job.

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Great Story

After reading a few part of this story, I have to say I'm already hooked!

I like the beginning of your story and your summary, it's unique. It pulls us in for more. What are they talking about? That sort of thing.

Your summary is also unique, asking us questions...I haven't seen a summary like that.
I would try to refrain from asking questions, but since it's a series of questions, the summary pulls us in.

Reading this through, there are a bit of small errors that is easy to fix so you should go back and read this aloud.

Great job! I liked this story.

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First Reviewer

Hi...

I came across this story and was like WOW!!! And I read it!
Of course, you could use some improvement, so let's start with that!
First of all, your summary can use some work, I know you can lengthen that and improve it!

You used the word she 24 times.
The first paragraph had seven sentences starting with she...something I would work on.

Other than that, it's a great story so far!

And welcome to Inkitt! First review ever!

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Wonderful Story

Hi, I saw your post and looked into your profile for neat stories and I found one!

Ok, first of all, the summary. It think it could use more work. Especially the last sentence.
Another thing, the introduction. The very first sentence:
There's a story that goes like this.
This isn't very appealing in my eyes. Sorry.
It was a bit short too. I think the first sentence could be much improved, perhaps woven into the story. Please show, not tell.
Some people like me...do not care about how people look straight up. I think you can show that, not tell.
Her wide smile was sick.
I think it sounds slang. I think it could be improved.

Chapter 1. Her father was a nice man>??? Was? Is, right? Because when you say was, I could see that the father might be the antagonist. Past tense, that sort of stuff, It's rather noticeable.

So is Zoe a demon?

Ok, I like the creativity in your story...however I find the things above....distracting, so if you fixed that I think it could greatly improve your story.

After reading the reviews for this story, I have to whole-heartedly agree with them that There are some gaps in the story which isn't easy to read so make your story smoother in timeline and this story will go far. So a re-edit of the whole thing and fleshing this story out is highly recommended!

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Review from me

First of all, welcome to Inkitt! I hope you like this review.
I put my acidic filter on. I change my mind. I don't see any reason for me to do that.
I loved the short story. Is it going to be a novel? It seems...incomplete as I see a question mark in the end.
The communications between the characters were well done.
The only thing you need to work on is your summary. Because it determines the reader's next actions if they are going to read it! So work on that! I believe you can improve it significantly! You lost a star for that!

And I don't want counts, not interested. If you want, go ahead.

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That's a lot of chapters!!!

Hi,

I'm just going to tell you everything I think about it so far.

The summary...it's well done! You reeled me in.
The first chapter was very well done, I was completely absorbed into this! So you deserve a vote from me! I liked the story a lot! I liked the lands of your name, the first conflict of the story. The feeling of the story was well established!

About Olrick. His injuries really give us something to be sorry about. It makes us grow fond of him. I like how that's done.
This story seems pretty old looking at the link. I take it you written this a few months ago?

How not a lot of people have read this is a damn shame, because they could be having some great reading into their minds! Good luck in the Dreamlands contest!

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Ok

Hi,

When I just saw this, I was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!!

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Much improved

Re-review

I think that last review was very harsh, no intentions of discouragement!

I changed my ratings, because it really deserves it after the drastic change that you made!

The prologue has improved significantly and has become a very smooth read in which I was able to follow along with no trouble. It makes Chapter 1 make a lot more sense and smoother as well!

I haven't mentioned this but I have to say that this story has favorable magical elements employed in it.

Great job on the changes! I can't wait to read more, it's on my reading list!

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First Review?

Hey Claudio,

You have some amazing stuff going on here! I was surprised to find out your story! It's not often I see such a wonderful story around here. The beginning immediately got me absorbed into the story and that's exactly what I'm looking for in a great story! Your writing style is perfect for me, so absolutely no complaints on that! No Grammer issues in my eyes and punctuation errors! Wonderful story, you got my vote!

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Wonderful Story!

Hi!

This story is really great! I loved the setting and their names! Your dialogue was excellent! I loved how the story moved nicely. But there are some things to work on.

Although your dialogue was really well done, it overpowers the story, so I suggest you work on that. But overall, your story is really good!

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Can't describe this

This is just amazing stuff you got there. And you have a typical beginning, reminds me of my stories, but

This is just amazing! I loved how you characterized the characters, it just felt so real, especially Nevil!

I just want to read more and more of this! Although it's not my favourite genre.

Great job for winning in the contest and getting 3rd place, although you should have gotten first!

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Prologue

Hi,

Your story is really great! But I didn't like your prologue in my opinion, mainly because you stalled the first chapter from my reading, which was somewhat annoying because your first chapter was good stuff, but it was really well done for the most part, so keep it up!

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A review

First of all, I came across this because you won the contest. So I decided to read it myself.

I have to say, your story is really impressive so far and I honestly can say that I have never read anything as good as the famous modern authors we have today, like J.K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, Susanne Collins, Chris Colfer, Ally Condie, Lois Lowry and etc.

Your genre didn't really suit me right, but your writing ability is very very impressive to the extent that I can say it is a really really good story so far. The title is very interesting and I got really absorbed into it when I was supposed to do something really important! It was so difficult to drag myself off your story because it is really good! Your characters are original (in my opinion), the thinking of the people is fresh, done in a way that does not feel modern or in the old times, but a mix. Like how the shadow took her. (I forgot that part if it's wrong!)

I really hope you become an author one day. Or if you already are then great! Because you really would deserve or do deserve it! Your story is really good. I cannot find another way to describe it. That's how good it is!

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Admirable

Hi DMWiltshire,

I took a look at your story (again, because it was in my reading lists, but honestly I forgot what the story was about and don't remember the storyline) and I'm going to tell you what I enjoyed about your story first.

You have a very interesting hook. I like how you gave concern to the reader in the very first sentence of your story. It makes us want to know why this particular character was screaming in pain. This is one part that decides if a random audience wants to pick this book up.

I also like the fact how you wasted no time to introduce the problem. However, it can be like a double edged sword. Some readers prefer to have just a little more time to understand their platter of food before they start to taste the main course.

Your descriptions of how your characters look is good, but can be improved on. Thin pepper hair is a very interesting description, but is vague, unless you literally mean that the character's hair is the color of pepper which hold a variety of colors. Try not to be vague in some of your descriptions although much of your descriptions uses very colorful and powerful words.

I also like your descriptions of how your characters interact with others or objects. However, some sentences could use enhancing, if you read your sentences out loud when you paint the scene, you might notice that you either need to remove a word or add a word so your audience gets a more clear picture. Such as, Caldor didn't want to give up. Give up what? Some readers jump to conclusions while some may not. Just watch out for those kinds of sentences. However, for the most part, I don't believe it is necessary, but when you have the time, please go have a look. Examples are, the test, as in the description of the prince's health. Some people may not know what it implies. Speaking of which, sometimes you need simple words to make your story more clear.

Please note that I have only read the first chapter so far and from just the first chapter, I can determine how your entire story will look and of course, I'm going to finish this story as soon as I can. This is basically a habit of avid readers. If you honestly take a look at even the first few sentences, you will know if a story will turn out good, and this story is no exception.

Now to address one of the more disappointing factors of your story, the blurb. The blurb is very much valid except that your first sentence could be much more effective. This is sort of the other thing that readers look for to determine if they want to read your story or not. You do have a decent first sentence, but it isn't exactly appealing to my own personal preference. Of course, for this, please do ask for the opinion of others but I believe your first sentence could be much improved in the blurb. The world of Gaitan is used to conflict. So what? Readers are not sympathetic when it comes to finding a story and only want to fish for the good fish. So, if you strengthened your blurb, this will help you attract a bigger audience. Of course, this matter is separate yet connected to the story itself so you need to make them work together.

Also, avoid asking questions. This is something irritating to your readers unless you answer them, but still keep it to a minimum because it goes against the good quality in your writing. And with enough of them, it becomes a philosophical lesson, or quiz which is usually never seen in the books that are sold out in the public. Questions lead to vagueness and this causes the story to be blurry. But this issue isn't too major, but just look over them to possibly enhance your story.

These are honestly the only things I can pick out from your story. Everything you wrote is absolutely valid and descriptive, but the question is is it clear and strong at the same time. For the most part, you have them both, but sometimes, you either have a clear sentence that can be potentially strong, and a strong sentence that can potentially be clear. These sentences are up to your own judgement because I do not understand the exact context you are looking for.

Looking forward to the rest of your story. :)

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Review in Progress

This is a very interesting story from a first glance!
I can honestly say I am excited to demolish the rest of this story hopefully today.

I first looked at the reviews you received from writing this story and for the most part, I have to agree with them.

You introduced an info dump in the prologue. I recognize it because I do them myself, not intentionally.
If you could seamlessly break it up into many small bits and introduce them slowly in the story, then this story would improve drastically without the prologue. Not that the prologue is not interesting. I feel like you could do a lot more with that.

Your blurb sounds very exciting and grabbed me in for the ride immediately. It is disappointing to see the prologue follow after (info dump) although it was very entertaining to read.

Your first chapter and second chapter are very impressive in description, on the contrary lacking in genuine conversation.

On the note with Amanda, I love this character and how she doesn't talk like what the other reviewer said. She is so different from other characters I have embarked on a journey with. I don't think I can write realistically without conversation that describes the characters. It is very nice how you use other characters to describe Amanda.

What you really need to work on is the realistic parts of your story, specifically conversations and the interactions between a specific character with a specific career.

I have not read your entire story so the rating stays as a three for your writing style at the time being.

Overall, good job!

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Unexpected

After reading Chapter 1-3, I am blown away from this story.

It is rare to see such good polished stories like this one. And it is especially rare to find a Thriller as good as this one! I also read this story as my two good friends reviewed this and was curious about this story as well..

This story can only be described as a masterpiece. I was already drawn into it within the first paragraph. The title is extremely simple and catchy at the same time. The Last Chance. I would definitely recommend others to read this.

The characterizations of Jack and Cass are very real. I can imagine this in real life right away, living like one of the characters in the story.

Religion... this element that is mixed into this story is also very much admired. I like how you did that.

The most interesting element of your story is the spacing in the events in the timeline of the story.

I can't wait to read more!

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Wow...

This is a great story! I like the characterization of Reyna, we are immediately shown Reyna's personality. Although I wish a bit more was put in the first chapter! I read more of it and I have to say I'm impressed, even for a very picky reader like myself.

There is a couple of things I didn't quite enjoy. The summary has a comma making the sentence...not very smooth. It's an easy fix though.

I hardly saw the title as fantasy...but as they say, looks can be deceiving.

Dialogue, new paragraph. It's a basic rule that you should follow. I don't like dialogue buried in a paragraph although it is good writing.

Dates are most often ineffective when describing a timeline...for me anyways. I think it could blend in with the story because the beginning of each chapter should draw you in till the very end!

Good luck with the Dreamlands contest and I added this story to my reading list!

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Shocking

Hi...
So after reading this story...I have to say wow.
However...I find that you are repeating the I, It, If alot. Now, since it's a short story, it was noticeable.

What I like about the story is the mystic feeling you give us. The woman certainly is special in your story, no wonder why I think of it as a small piece of uniqueness. This short story is worth it's read.

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Could use a bit more spicing up

This story at first glance is good enough to make you want to read...however

My review might sound harsh...maybe because I tend to avoid high popularity stories

Ideas are spilling out of random and I feel like it could use a tremendous amount of cleaning up. Being a fantasy nerd...I can see how messy the great ideas you have are. For example, the second chapter, giving us a bit of info on the world. It's not a crime, but why did the protagonist do that? Is there a reason?

You have great character names, titles, but like your story, I think you can use a great amount of cleaning up. The summary can be greatly improved...but it doesn't show. So I think you should go back and take the time to do that.

The entire story is the same feedback that I can give. After reading the plot, I have to say it's special, a positive of your story.

Good luck in the Dreamlands contest.

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Wonderful Story

Hi Ravenhawk...

This is my way of thanking you for that wonderful review. Voted, btw.
Starting with the summary. I hope you can do much better than that. I would put that at the beginning of the story, then put a spacing mark then start the story.

Since this story is rather short, I thought I would read the whole thing.

First of all, time jumping like that I regard as highly inefficient technique to scene change. I think the story could be greatly fixed. If you are helping your dad's work, perhaps you could put some fillers to make the story progress smoother?

By the way, I pay quite a lot of attention to Punctuation and Grammar and was pleased to not spot any, not that I know of.

After reading the entire story in a whole sitting, I easily spotted the different writing that you have with your dad. You see, your dad doesn't sass talk in the story and you have sass talk in the last two chapters. I take it that you wrote it. But it was well done. At least the content remained the same.

Judging by the entire story, I know it's too short to be complete. So either it's still a work in progress because there is absolutely no way it's 40 000 words, which is the MINIMUM requirement for the story to be chosen as a contest winner 3rd 2nd and 1st. Although I would very much like this to win first! ☺

So...I think you can flesh the story out with those enormous time gaps of two days or whatever and slowly weave it into your story! Great story! You got my vote, btw!

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Quick Review (for now)

Hi...I told you I would review...

Ok first things first,
Title. You have created an interesting title that grabs us.
Summary: Very interesting...I don't see vampires that bad....but the summary teaches us something interesting. It grabs us in.
Prologue: I think the prologue is very good...except for the fact that it feels like it's part of Chapter One, or could be a chapter by itself! So, I personally would cut the prologue!
-First bolding part. I think it should rhyme to make it more powerful.
Chapter One is well done...it's a smooth read.

So overall,,,you have a great story.

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Review

So...you presented a short story and I read it.

To be honest...this story is very smooth. I think it differs from what you usually write...what I know of you.

This story is pure. And that's a rare quality that I see. It's not the type to be used in novel writing of course. I enjoyed it and appreciated it. I don't see any mistakes of any sort.

Selkie...I had to search up what it is. So perhaps you should keep that point in your head.

What you should greatly work on is your summary which I think could be drastically improve, right? Because if someone looks at this....they would read the summary before determining whether they want to read it or not right? So that's just a minor issue that I came across. The title is very interesting and has meaning.

I don't have a lot to say about this short story. But my main point is that it's a good story that everyone should read once in a while. It's pure. Period.

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Quick Review (for now)

Ok, if I sound harsh, that's because this context is not my cup of tea. I dislike reading about wars...I try my very best to avoid those stories, but I'll try my best to review as kindly as I can.

Your summary is excellent. No other way to put it.

Setting...I think you can work on the setting immensely. If your story isn't tip top shape, using the setting by physically displaying wasn't my cup of tea. I have read so many stories like that and it's just not done well. The setting I think needs to be in one with the story and I didn't see that. That's just my opinion.

First Paragraph...I think it was info dump about the protagonist. I think it could be weaved better into the story.

Words need to be written out completely. So finding the word "sess" was a bit odd to me.

Setting jumping quite often is hard to follow. I try to only change my setting once maximum to avoid confusion. I see too much scene changes! If you scene change completely, you write your next chapter!
Otherwise, if it's the same place, then keep it.

Okay...swearing in my opinion brings a bad impression in the story. I like the protagonist's rebellious attitude. The Muslam stuff...I am not religious, so if I spelled it wrong...oops. So personally, I didn't like that. I don't know about others.

New setting, use the Inkitt line tool. Basic stuff.

This story however is good enough that I thought you created this yourself...of course it's based on 24.

So I was right. It wasn't my cup of tea and chances are that I might not be able to get through the whole thing due to lack of interest in your plot. But if you guys like action...this is the story for you!

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Quick Review (for now)

Ok...so what I think about this. First impression is summary! This is what your readers will look at when you publish a story. So that 200 word limit is short and you displayed a summary even shorter than that. The best thing to do is to take advantage of the word limit and use it!!! So when I looked at that summary, half of me was thinking great! The other half thought that you weren't spending enough effort on that. So if I were you, I would take complete advantage to the word limit of the summary!

This displays the power of how your write! So this is like your first impression on your readers.

Explain what neural is...the first description wasn't enough to tell you readers what it exactly is.

My first impression on your story I thought might be a story between heaven and hell. But it's not, which gives a creative twist with that theme into Sci-Fi?!!!

xXx...if you read the Inkitt Guildline, you need that line tool Inkitt has! So go back and fix that!

The way people talk...so is this story a mix of Fantasy and Sci-Fi? If it's not, you have given us the wrong impression of your story and need some editing.

This review isn't sufficient so I read your second chapter. I mean, first chapter. Because that was the prologue. Personally, I don't like prologues because so many prologues were done so badly through my reading and I'm not going to punish you for that.

Loads of info is dumped in front of me. It's not easy to keep up. So keep that in mind.

Okay, Chapter 1 is weird. When you have dialogue, it's so thin that the different between it and the story is hard to follow as well.

From reading this...I think it's sort of like a Star Wars remix? I hope you find this review helpful.

You should be expecting a full review no later than this year.

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Quick Review (for now)

So...this one might be the one I might like out of all four stories thrown at me.
Unlike Fanfiction, this might not be your cup of tea. So listen carefully for what I have in store for you.
I am not going to sugarcoat my review because there isn't a reason to.

Ok...I have to say you have shown Squidward and Spongebob's personalities wonderfully. The song Spongebob just sang reminded me of FUN. The Spongebob version. F is for Fun ...U is for u and me. N is for Nywhere....you get the idea. And that reminded me about what Plankton sang too.
F is for fire tearing down buildings, U is for Uranium...BOMBs, N is for Never....whatever. I think you get the idea.

Cute song you made up. The characters were described wonderfully and SpongeBob's actions would be exactly what we would anticipate him do.

Ok...it was hard to follow with your sudden time change. I thought it could have improved. It was a rather...rough transition.

You missed the secret to the Krabby Patty formula! That is LOVE...so if you are going to write SpongeBob fanfic, you need to make it so similar that we think it's another SpongeBob movie. That's the only thing you are missing in the first chapter. I thought it could use love. If love is part of the plot...then fine.

Squidward is supposed to go kabonkers for the krabby patty. Remember his krabby patty fest? Honestly, because it's fanfiction, I think the story could use exaggeration.

New dialogue, new paragraph, simple. Check out chapter 2 to see your transition to the Krab's memory about hogus, whatever his name was.

Characters introductions like Patrick is rather abrupt. Make character entrances smoother

So, other than that, I have no complaints for this story!

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First review?

Hi...

You asked Alex to help you review...but she's not going to review this week.
And people are so easy to predict...I'm sure you don't like waiting for a review. So let's get to it.

Title: I think your title is pretty interesting for a fantasy story. How corruption dies...sounds interesting. It's probably something readers might want to buy at a bookstore.

Your summary: for the protagonist to remain strong, he has to carry a girl. That's ironic, but it's a pretty good hook. You reeled me in already.

Your settings are telling rather than seeing however the way this story has been written...fair enough. It's done excellently I have to say.

Descriptions right at the beginning of the story. I would cut it out. No one cares what she looks like. Weave it in the story like any piece of information you would weave.

"A woman with red hair....white blouse..." I don't think that's exactly what you wrote...but I would cut it out.

Paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 all start with THE WOMAN, THE WOMAN, THE WOMAN. Seriously! It gets rather annoying when that happens and that's not all. I see it in within the paragraphs too. So...this first chapter needs a good edit despite the fact it is smooth. Those are the things that stuck out to me the most.

10th paragraph. Nearly the entire paragraph starts with The. repeating the three times is bad enough. You have 4 'The's

So what I would do is go back into the whole editing process and click Ctrl-F and search the. You will be amazed to find how many you have! But I think you might not do that, so I helped you a bit.

Let me give you a number of 'The's you have.

First Chapter: 579

Second Chapter: 268

Third Chapter: 269

Total 'The's: 1116 in your entire document.

So, the 'the's you have in your story...you lost two stars for that. The plot is interesting but how you described your characters in the beginning of your story lost you a star because the beginning is your most important part of your story. After adverbs, there is usually a comma when you start a sentence with it. Like:

Suddenly, blah blah blah...

That's it. Overall, I love this story. Keep working at it!

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My own review

Ok, I have never done this before but I'm going to rate myself. I don't think it's going to be easy to do, but here goes nothing.

My plot of the story. I think it's pretty interesting. I haven't build a scaffold for any of my stories but this one, and I find my plot very interesting and surprising so that's a five.

I don't like my writing style necessarily, after reading multiple reviews from others. I think in my opinion, it's easy to read though others don't think so, so minus one star for that.

About my technical writing skills. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm pretty sure I did that pretty darn right but there are always mistakes, so I give myself a four for that one.

From recent reviews...I haven't been very happy with them and so I have to say meh...three. I think my story is okay. Not the best.

So if you like fantasy...I would love it if you took a read! I hope I don't disappoint you. I wrote this from my heart and I hope you enjoy this. This story has been an escape route for me after getting so many discouraging reviews SO please take a read!

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Ok

Hi,

I just saw this and was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!! And btw, I like reviewing, just not for prizes.

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Ok

Hi,

I just saw this and was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!!

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Great start!

Hi Erica,

I took a read at your story and it looks interesting.

Your sentences lack some words that could enhance the sentence, or complete the sentence.
Why don't you go through your story and read it aloud. You'll find a lot of errors!

And your dialogue, throughout Chapter 1, the dialogue was constantly being interrupted by paragraph length descriptions and it's rather annoying reading a piece like that. Try to cut down interruptions. It does not mean cut down on the descriptions.

Great story so far. Is this a first draft?

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Nice

This is a great story. My ratings may look quite harsh, but that's what I really think it is.

There is one thing I immediately noticed. A thing you could work on.

Look at your summary. Read it aloud and you'll know it doesn't sound right. It is supposed to give us a brief summary of the story, not who it's written by, we readers don't care about that part. It already states who it is already written by.

And overall, this story although isn't my style, it's good. Although my ratings should show that I don't read these types of stories., so it's not the sci-fi favorable type.

Because one look at your summary shows your entire writing flaws. It's that simple.

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Nothing to say

Wow! I have never read a Sci-fi story like this one! Great job! You got my vote! I loved the science you employed into this story, it's so advanced, and the virus, and everything! Your characters are well shaped! Best of luck in the Sci-fi contest!

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Wonderful story!

This story is really well written! I love the dialogue and paragraph spacing. I think you had a few unintentional spacing in the story which broke up your sentence. Check for that.

The plot is clever and original and I love it!
Your writing style suits me excellently, so I have absolutely no complaints on your story!

Character names are completely original, Clarimont? Forgot how to spell her name, and Hugolin? Those character names sound totally real and original! This story is amazing!

Btw, you got my vote!

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Wonderful

This story strongly resemble my story, the magical schools and the water magic, that stuff!

I love this story! You got my vote!

I love Miss Whistle's character, the strict type. And I love the musical connection! Figaro's School of Magic refers to the opera the Marriage of Figaro? Which that is written by W.A. Mozart. Is that the connection with your school of magic?

You do have some capitalization mistakes and some punctuation errors but overall, it's really well done! Now I have some inspiration for my story! Thank you so much!

The Character's names are clever and original! Like, as in new, not used a lot.

Best Wishes in Wanderlust!

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Rhyme

Wonderful poem! I loved it!

I have absolutely no complaints! It is that good!

I am amazed that your poem could go that long! I can't wait to read your other works (if you have any!)

I saw you post help and I answered it! Great job!

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Looking Great So Far!

Your prologue is doing great so far! It is really interesting and creative, although normally I don't favour prologues.

I have absolutely no complaints at all!

Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read the read of your writings! I really want to read the first chapter!

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Handsome and Gorgeous

If I were to call Hansel and Gretel something else, it would be that.

But this story is really well done! The stepmother has a really funny name, and the exaggerated hatred into Hansel and Gretel.
I'm okay with the father, he's not as bad as I thought when I first heard him in the story.

This is a really good story and a very creative idea, but I'm not seeing a lot of magic in the story! That's my only complaint. Although the stepmother could turn into a demon (ugly beasts characteristics).

So yeah! This is really great stuff and good luck in the contest of Wanderlust!

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Repayment

Hi,

Thank you for your review, so I decided to return the favor.

Your story is very good, but your dialogue overpowers your entire first chapter!
It gets boring when dialogue does that! So I strongly encourage you to cut down on that! You need a good balance of dialogue and non dialogue. Actually, more non dialogue in my eyes!

Your dialogue is the main reason why I don't favor your writing style so if you're wondering, there's my answer.
I haven't looked at the entire story of yours so I can't give you a 0 or a 5, so I stuck with 3 for now.

Keep it up!

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Critical

Hi,

I just read your story (only the first chapter) and I have a few things to say! I am going to be as critical as possible so you could work on your story and make it shine as best as possible (not that it isn't right now, but)

Your first chapter needs to be very strong in order for it to attract other's attention. In my eyes, I think your first chapter could use more work! I think swearing in the first chapter right away is unappealing. I find that mean short descriptions work just fine! Just suggestions!

What I really liked about your story is when the dragon hatched! The part how the protagonist hoped the elderly saying no to take care of the dragon was really well done. So applauds for that!

The thing that did not suit me right was your writing style! I got confused at the "you" in the beginning of the story. The part in the dialogue.
I would suggest you use Edgar, instead of "you" in the dialogue part. It makes it easier to see the dialogue.

But overall, it's a story with potential and I strongly encourage you to polish it! Your writing style greatly effects your story!

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First Review?

Hi Tanya,

I read the first chapter of your story and it's looking good so far.

I don't quite like the way the main character talks.

My favourite part in the first chapter was when you described the scenery from the dream, how the village pulsed and that kind of description.

The modern context is what makes this story creative. It reminds me a lot of my story a lot.

Your writing style doesn't suit me well. To me, it sounds obnoxious. And for your plot, I can't really say it's good or not, so I put three stars, that it's average. And your story is an except so I can't really say anything about the plot.

Keep it up!

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Wonderful story!

This story is wonderful already with magic employed in the story. I like the establishments of the characters like Cara and Aaron. Their fight for work and hiring.

There are however some small things to work on, like a character's speech. Although I know who was talking, it's hard to get through without seeing "speech speech speech" someone snorted, or whatever it was. Some dialogue had said, snapped whatever that tells us that they are talking since I personally regard this as an indication of the character's actions.

The summary is attractive enough to get me reading.

Try to avoid I'll the won't sort of words. Try to break it apart, more like I will, or will not.

Great job, you got my vote!

And I tried to write this review at the best of my abilities. Good luck in the NaNoWriMo contest!

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Top 10% in Entwined
Top 10% in Wanderlust
Top 10% in Dreamlands

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