Overall, I like the style of this story and think I'd be interested enough in the main characters to keep reading. I'm deeply curious if the sexual tension will be as intense once they get each other in the sack! :) However, that being said, I was also a little bit distracted by the technical mistakes (grammar, punctuation, etc...) There is definitely room for some more editing/revision (if this is, in fact, a rewrite?). Other than that, there are several characters introduced early on and I'm not sure if they matter (or will eventually) or just add to my confusion. Sure, there should be some secondary characters, but I'm not sure everyone is necessary.
Read the story now