Kassidy Duncan

Toronto

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12

Overall, I feel this is a very good start with a lot of potential—especially when it comes to the plot. While something like this has been done before in the YA genre, you can essentially say that about ANY idea, (so don’t let that dissuade you). Having only read the first bits, I’m interested to see how you go about differentiating this idea from others, and what sort of game Chaos has planned.
It does read like a skeleton of a book though, and there’s a lot of fleshing out to be done I think. That said, I also believe you’re on the right track.
Contrary to what's written in the other reviews, I don't think the spelling and grammar were lacking so much to require a lot of improvement (though that could just be from me reading a second draft). I have outlined what I feel should be zeroed in on in this Doc. Hope this helps, and good luck!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10lhVLE8lF8t5nGXRxOgtKB0KG1I6Ujr-mt59hVwCh70/edit?usp=sharing (let me know if the link doesn't work)

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Broken Laws of Attraction

(Sorry this is late!) You mentioned in the blurb this was the first book you’d ever written. Congrats on it! It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience to get something out there, and even if it’s not perfect, you should be extremely proud of what you’ve made here! :)

Overall, I think this book was rather endearing, sweet, and had good messages. As a first draft, it’s definitely good, but like any book, it does have some down points that can be improved. I’ve put down three things to help you with your first draft:

Tense confusion: You jump back and forth in the same sentence; to help the reader differentiate between the past and what’s really going on in the moment stick with the appropriate one. For the most part, it seems to be written in past tense, so make sure everything reflects that.

Sentence fragments: There were quite a few instances where I noticed the sentence/thought wasn’t complete. Authors can sometimes get away with this, but you really have to be confident in knowing where/how to execute it. For now, it’s better to make sure you have complete sentences.

Showing vs. Telling: All stories need a bit of both, but you generally will want more showing than telling. For example, Kiara’s a mother fiercely devoted to her daughter, right? Instead of telling us outright, show it with the type of actions that would reflect that protectiveness, and that huge amount of love! :)

I hope this helped. Happy reading, and the best of luck to you!

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Alive

Delectable, and quickly consumed. This book is exceedingly different from any other I've read, and it draws you in through a charming sense of human discovery. Remembrandt has definitely gotten the human condition and all its back doors down to a perfect science. Excellent!

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I'll blame you for the looks I received

Alright, so reading this at work was probably a mistake. To anyone wanting to give this little gem a glance, do so in a place where bursting out laughing isn’t going to be a problem. Twigg’s “Uh, Huh, Huh?” is hysterical in the best way, his writing crisp and tart. There were a few instances where I felt the sentences were a bit run-on, but largely, it was perfect. Well done!

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I Wish I Loved You

This is a really sweet story, and I'm really enjoying the premise! It's cute, but also is put forward well in terms of a TV drama (as in, I could definitely see this being acted out). There were a few spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed, but other than that, it was a great read.

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Saving Me

I think there are a lot of good bones to this story, but the majority hasn't been fleshed out yet. this, I'm sure, will change once you add more chapters to the story of course! The main character seems likeable and relatable enough, especially in the Y.A. genre, which is definitely something you want. His personality and quick wit are immediately apparent, and that's something I enjoyed.
The main issue I see though is the execution (ie. grammar, spelling, punctuation, syntax, and structure). It's definitely worth it to have someone read through it, even if they're not a writer. :)

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Imaginative, Sultry, and Challenging

Scene setting is always important. It's the first impression that anyone gets as a taste when they're opening up a book for the first time. Unknown Variant hits the nail on the head straight away with it, but that's not where its impressive characteristics stop.
The story itself is an intriguing one, and, as far as I'm concerned, a wholly original and unexplored territory that grips you immediately. This, coupled with the fact that the narration gives the audience an intimate feel of the setting, characters, and events, is what really does it for me as a reader. Grover has managed to successfully marriage characters that are both strong and believable, all in a very exclusive and exciting new genre.

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A Good, Relatable Teen Drama

I think this was, overall, an easy-to-get-into teen drama that a lot of people with find relatable. The main character has talent, but isn't too cocky; she has dreams and desires without having either having too much or too little moxie. Very fresh, and good for a quick read.

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Puts the Ass in Assassin

(I'm not apologizing for the pun title)

The Assassin
By FoxyBooks
Requested: 5.6.2018
Written: 5.13.2018

This was deliciously gripping! A lot of erotic novels aren’t my thing, simply because they leave out the extra element of plot--but The Assassin is fucking fantastic. It was a marvellous cross between the sexy genre and thrilling danger. There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but not enough to distract the reader from the ride they’re on. Well done!

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Excellent

Cost of Revenge
By Gracie Qu
Requested: 5.3.2018
Written: 5.9.2018

First off, I really liked the way you set things up (in the prologue). While abstract, it definitely grabs attention and later satisfies the curiosity it builds--so HUGE kudos to you on that! The pacing throughout the book was overall quite fast--something I didn’t expect for a book with as many chapters as you have. You definitely know the right amount of information, action, and plot to put into each chapter and executed them beautifully.
Description seemed to be hit or miss; there are instances where you spend the time to walk us through what someone/something looks like, giving us just the right amount of detail so we can picture it in our heads, but there are instances where you do zoom by. Understandably, not every single item or person is going to have a paragraph on them or anything, but where important, definitely don’t hold back the details--you’re very spot-on with them!
There were a few errors I noticed (mostly tense-issues, but also some repetition and dialogue tag issues) but they weren’t overwhelming, and they certainly didn’t impede my enjoyment of the book. They can be hard to catch, so I’d recommend a third-party editor for your work to get your book squeaky-clean.
This book is a great read for anyone who enjoys the fantasy-journey genre and likes a lot of action and themes!

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Whisper of Silence--Good Start!

Though it’s only three chapters, I think your book has a lot of promise when it comes to the plot. You have a very unique situation/set-up and later turn of events that really catches our interest right off the bat, so kudos to you on that!
In the Group discussion section, you asked to know where you could improve. Here are a few things I found that are easy fixes to help get your writing (and your book) to the next level:

TENSE CHANGES: There were quite a few instances where I noticed the narrative bouncing back and forth between present and past tense. Largely, it seemed to be written past tense, so make sure you stick with it throughout.

DIALOGUE: It was a little hard to follow the bodyguards searching for her with their dialogue, simply because it was written in narrative format. Make sure any time someone’s saying something aloud, it’s in the right format. This will give your readers the chance to potentially see who’s talking, as well as how they’re delivering the line.

DESCRIPTION: I think this one is probably the most important moving forward. We don’t get a lot of situational description, so picturing where people are in relation to what’s going on can be a little tough. Take a breath and slow down a bit! You have an excellent opening scene in terms of action, but readers lose a lot of important information from not knowing what’s near by, what people look like, your main character’s emotional reactions, etc. For example, when you had her duck into the car, I still thought they were in the terminal right off the plane! Same goes for the truck part; what kind of vehicle is it that he can reach into it without opening it and seeing her right away? Simple stuff like that.

OVERALL: I think you have a really good idea. Editing will help polish it up to the bright emerald it can be!

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Diamond in the Rough, Ready to Shine!

I’m a little conflicted here. What you have right now in terms of plot and overall ideas is absolutely fantastic. You’ve dreamt up this interesting and strange species, been able to convey the contrastingly devastating lives of humans after the invasion, and tie them together in a way we haven’t yet seen before. The descriptions you provide are tight and crisp, never distracting, and really do the world you’ve built justice.
But I’m finding a lot of minor mistakes that cheat you of excellence! Punctuation, grammar, dialogue tags, tense confusion, etc. I’m not sure if this is a first draft, but I think a really thorough edit should be able to shine this into the diamond I know it can be! Please keep at it, because this is amazing work that you should be very proud of!

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You & Me

I think this has potential to be such a great, adorable romance. It's hard to judge the plot as it's still an early work-in-progress, but I did enjoy reading it quite a bit. I think I mentioned before (in Beta Readers) that I read the whole thing sequentially; it was fluid, easy to read, and more importantly, it hooked. That said, here's my in-depth beta-review for it. Let me know if you have trouble accessing the link!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V5LraqA5rJNro9rk6KGeQHfd4UYCgQQCDic-o-FwbFE/edit?usp=sharing

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Qualkers

Detailed Beta Review for Qualkers below. If you have any questions, let me know!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T0iWnCBO6JcUzVEnKK0j0dwvyQ8ezceD8hgswIQGSvM/edit?usp=sharing

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Magnificent

(Sorry this is so late!)

Hleo is a prime example of a book you’d imagine to be published already. It’s polished and so pristine that I’m honestly surprised publishers aren’t crawling over one another to get to you! You’ve done a magnificent job of painting scenes with just the right amount of description and nailed the character interactions beautifully. The humour in it felt on point, and never forced--something I find a lot of authors do struggle with, so kudos to you on that!
The errors I did notice were few (punctuation, word repetition, and a tense change) and certainly weren’t jarring or worth sweating over. All in all, I’d definitely recommend this to anyone looking for a book that’s going to grab their attention and never let go!

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Slave of Fire: the Weeping End

I think what you have here is some very good bones to a book, but it needs some good old TLC. It can be hard to transition what you see in your mind's eye to paper (especially in the fantasy genre), but I think you've started to do just that. For my beta notes, please see the google doc (Inkitt's layout doesn't allow for a very coherent breakdown). If there's any issue with the link or you have any questions, definitely let me know!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13oHnI-0AbStnH4jN6yS7xl1HDXq9MUbvxFLv9jXNGBU/edit?usp=sharing

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Silex--Good Start!

Overall, I think this is a really good start. The prologue definitely has me intrigued, and I’m excited to know more about Morgan and his abilities—especially about what happened to his mother! As the sample I read was short, it’s difficult to comment on pacing, detailing, characterization, etc. But from what I can tell, you’ve done an excellent job of setting the story up. There are a few areas for improvement, but I believe you're on the right track. (for Beta Critique/Improvement, see comments)

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The Hurting Game

Overall, I liked this quite a bit. It’s gritty, it’s super personal, and you really do have a way of perfectly setting a visual scene without shoving too much in people's faces. It was a fun read, just as your other one! :D Beta reader notes in the comments.

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Survive the Night

Overall, I found the book to be written quite well, especially considering it's a very common story line. We've seen this set up before, but the writing style was largely able to make up for it. Very good read for someone who's into well-crafted horror. (Beta notes in comments)

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Bump in the Night

Quickly-consumed and very well-written. I think the plot is unique and definitely grabs your attention (especially more so in the chapters after the prologue). It's interesting to see characters do a complete 180, and I'm keen to see how that came about! (Beta-Reader criticism in the comment section)

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Billionaire's Intense Love

I think this is a really good start to a romance novel. Setting aside the grammatical errors, it was a good read, and one that definitely does the romance genre justice; it has a good set up and decent flow, but still keeps the reader interested.
(Editing tips in comment below)

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Dibs!

Normally, I'm not one for high school romance novels; often times, they are a dime a dozen and it's hard to make them stand out from the rest. That said, I think Dibs! does a fantastic job of doing so through characterization while exploring teen awkwardness and romance in a really quirky and unique way. Save for a few errors here and there, it was a smooth read and I liked it quite a bit!

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An Acidental Evil

An Accidental Evil is a really easy-to-get-into novel that's got relatable and believable dialogue, which is definitely where your strengths are. It's easy to believe that these characters are saying what they are because it's casual, and done quite well.
That said, as far as constructive criticism goes, I'd recommend working a bit on the narration. Despite it being a first-person POV, it can get a little repetitive if you constantly start sentences with "I" (a lot of author fall into this trap!). To avoid this, you can restructure sentences or add bits of relevant description between them.

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Spyglass series: Daughter of Destiny

(Beta-Readers Review)
It's just the first chapter, so it's a little hard to comment on the plot and whatnot, but I think your blurb covered that quite nicely. In any case, I still think the descriptions you have in there pull people in. That said, you're able to provide an excellent working visual to everything your main character sees, and I think it's definitely the main strength of our writing.
However, I think that there is some work that needs to be done in terms of the sentences used for describing. A few of them were run-on, and I think you'll lose a lot of focus for people who are otherwise really interested in gleaning all that information. Sometimes short sentences work; they help put focus on things that would otherwise be lost.
The only other misgiving I have is the dialogue structure. Generally speaking, you don't need a new paragraph for ever sentence of dialogue if it's the same person speaking. Your readers might get lost or confused if it's split up otherwise, because it could imply another speaker when that's not what you intended.

But overall, I found this was a good start to a book. The main character is likeable and has interesting traits. That, combined with your knack for descriptive writing, is a good step forward for a novel.

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Visually Satiating

Old Man Spider was very rich in setting and description, which definitely adds to the audience's emotional attachment to the main character--immediately. I like that it sucks you in right away, drawing you right where you need to be.

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