JoeF

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Great

You begin with the description of a really horrible scene in the main character’s home. This is, unfortunately, something that many children nowadays can relate to and the way you have written it feels so real and relatable. The topic is deep and serious. And the anger that the character feels is perfectly natural. However, you seem to take your story in a different direction and use this first scene simply as the background of the character’s choices and actions. And you have done this perfectly. You have a great style of writing and what you have written so far is excellent. Keep it up.

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I can see that you have only started...

I believe that there is a great possibility for this to become a fantastic story. You start off dynamically, which I love. However, I would suggest that you pay attention to linking your events a bit better. What I have read so far has caught my attention, but I also felt that you were jumping from event to event and place to place, even though you did not move anywhere. It was a bit difficult for me to grasp it all and to understand everything you have tried to tell. My suggestion is – do not rush it and be as clear as possible, because readers appreciate it. Don’t be afraid to add more description – a good description is never too much.

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Loved it!

Bonnie and Klide embark on a rather dangerous journey of their lives. The choices they make are not just out of the blue. The reasons are much deeper and go much further. They story is thrilling and exciting and despite everything, I, as the reader, started caring for them and hoping for them not to die. The thing I loved the most is that this story sends a strong message. Listen to the children. That is a pretty important, seemingly simple, message that we all already know, but a lot of us seem to forget. At least from time to time. And that can be rather dangerous. I strongly recommend this story. You have written it very well.

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Nice

First of all, I love how the story is written in an amusing and a kind of a modern way. Even though it is a long story, it certainly keeps you attentive throughout and your style of writing is “to blame” for this. It is clear that you know your way with puns, which is another great quality of an author. The story has a nice flow to it, everything is clear and understandable and, what is most important, everything is interesting. Golf mixed with writing – it seems as an unusual merge, but it turned out to be great. I also love the titles of your Chapters. They are a bit revealing, but not in a bad way.

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Good

You have a nice, catching style of writing. It really grasps the reader’s attention. It is certainly one of the main reasons why I kept on reading this story. And even though fantasy is not my cup of tea, I really liked this. It is completely out of the ordinary, but yet so believable and relatable. I love how you created Storm’s character and how you build it through the story, rather than describing her at the beginning. When it comes to the technical part of the story, everything is on point so far. Overall, I have really enjoyed the story so far and I would love to read more of it.

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Good Potential

The story starts of as a life of a seemingly ordinary guy with a weird name and his struggles at school. However, it soon turns out to be nothing like that. Yowai’s strange dream had me puzzled and made me interested in what is going to happen next. These few chapters I have read indicate that Yowai is in for the vacation of his life, since something strange and very powerful seems to be going on with him. I would only recommend you to read your story once again and check if you really need so many bold and italic parts.

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Thrilling

This is a secretive, interesting story that a lot of people can relate to. It is compelling and full of emotions and it has been only these two chapters. It covers not only the topic of betrayal, passion and love, but also the topic of the world of technology and the dangers it carries with it. This part reminds me a bit of Gossip Girl. The story is modern and written in a modern way, which makes it easy to read and easy for the reader to get involved in the story. It simply grabs attention and makes you curious about what will happen next and what the consequences will be.

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Amazing

A mysterious, secretive story, with a sense of danger. I love how the very title of your story oozes mystery and uncertainty. Rather than dragging the beginning of your story and writing long, dull introductions, you have written just enough of it. And you begin right away with the important part. It is greatly written so far and I suppose you will continue in this manner. This has great potential to become a thrilling, intriguing story, but also to be made into an exciting thriller movie. I love what I have read so far and I have to commend your style of writing. I hope there will be more soon.

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Great

This story does have great potential. Even though you said your work suffered because of this, I can assure you that this is something it is worth suffering for. You have great descriptions throughout these 4 chapters, starting with the great description of the circus at the beginning. I could picture every scene and it almost felt as if I were there. The relationship between the characters is a bit weird at times and I love it. It adds to the complexity of the story. It has to be read carefully and enjoyed thoroughly. I liked it so far and I hope to read more.

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Nice

I love how this story is dynamic from the very beginning. And you have written it in such a way that I felt as if I were joining the characters on their dangerous, yet thrilling adventures. My heart raced on some occasions. The plot is very intense and keeps you attentive. I love how you set the scene at the beginning. I got introduced to everything bit by bit. But I did feel like I was somehow deprived of some characters' background and features. Your story is easy to read and has a nice flow to it, which is a plus. I was a bit saddened at the ending, yet relieved that certain things have come to a close. I loved this story.

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Exhilarating

Very, very dynamic and thrilling. From the start, it puts the reader right in the middle of the story and carries him right to the scene, running with Sarah. And you immediately start caring for her and worrying and praying for her safety. Her constant struggle, constant fights for survival, constant fear and anxiety make the reader all the more sympathetic and all the more able to relate to this story. This is because, even though we are not all faced with these kinds of struggles. We all have our own. Overall, I have really enjoyed this story and I think you have done a great job in writing it.

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Warm

This beginning is kind of like a fairy tale. It grasped my attention and I was a bit disappointed when I saw that you have only published this so far. It is so nicely, warmly written that I would love to have your whole manuscript in front of me and to be able to read the rest of it. The beginning reveals just enough, not too little and not too much. It introduces us to the main characters and hints at the strong possibility of their destinies to be intertwined. You have a nice manner of saying so much in so little words and of absorbing the reader.

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Must be good

Your style of writing is powerful and persuasive. And I could see this by reading only this part you published. You are one of those writers that can make the reader believe anything they want them to believe, no matter how impossible it may sound and seem. What I read so far is strong and impressive, with just the right amount of mystery. It really intrigued me and made me eager for more. I cannot help but wonder what will happen between those two, how the events will unfold and how you will portray and describe everything. So far, I have loved it and enjoyed it.

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Nice

This is a pretty complex story and you have to read it carefully. I have to commend your nice style of writing and your way of depicting characters. You have a way of writing that makes the reader interested in reading more, even if they do not enjoy these kinds of stories, even if they do not usually read sci-fi. The revelation that Sier actually died and that the character is “a set of memories” of another person’s brain was a bit shocking, but also added to the complexity of this story. After all, when you get someone’s brain, don’t you really become them trapped in a different body? This can be seen both ways in this story. I hope to read more of this.

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Charming and powerful

The very beginning of this story is effective, intriguing and it leaves a mark. I love how the story is dynamic throughout; it progresses quickly, but is yet full of details. You have powerful narratives which carry strong messages and this is a big plus. Your descriptions are also very influential and compelling. I love how you end the last Chapter. That one word. The last word. It is such an ordinary word, which carries a very, very deep meaning behind it. You have a tendency to do this with words and that is amazing. I hope you will continue this story.

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Amazing

First of all, I love how you set the scene at the beginning and make the reader familiar with the world you are creating. You slowly introduce everything and I could clearly imagine what you have written. I somehow felt as if I were in on this adventure as well. The story is full of mysterious, confusing events which made me wonder how and why, which only adds to the quality of your writing and to your quality as an author. The question you have set, whether we can find redemption for the mistakes of our past is a serious one and even though this is a sci-fi story, people can relate to it through reading it with this question in their mind. Great job.

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Superb

A thrilling, secretive, puzzling, magical, fantastic fantasy story. The beginning is forceful, compelling and rather mysterious. You immediately show the reader that Patricia was going to be special, since her birth was strange and mysterious. I love how the story progresses quickly. I got to join Patricia on her journey of life, to watch her grow up and become a woman. I was really saddened by the last scene. And I hope that this is not the ending. I would love to read more and to see some kind of a happy ending for Patricia and Garcia, if that is possible.

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Great potential

This story really caught my attention. I am greatly interested in how it is going to unfold. It is kind of dark, mysterious and a bit frightening. The thought that the character has spent 15 years imprisoned, chained and used is fearsome enough for itself. But I can see that it is going to be a complex story. The characters seem to have created they own life, a life of dreams, and that life is probably what gets them going, what helps them live another day. And there is a glimpse of hope in the second half of this Chapter you published. I love how you began this and I have great expectations of this story.

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So far so great

First of all, I love how dynamically this story begins. It is intense and invokes strong emotions from the very start. You have great, vivid descriptions and I felt some kind of danger from the first paragraph. Lace is driven by revenge, while Terrian, the free shifter has his own (or someone else’s) aim to complete. I love that the story is written from both their perspectives and I sense that Terrian will find his own purpose as the story progresses. It may be completely different than Blain’s one. Ending the second Chapter with a cliffhanger is a great move. This story has great potential and got me really curious about what will happen next.

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