Hadley Swiss

Aspiring author. Word and animal lover. Writer of Dreamy Reality, my main work for almost two years. It's ongoing, and I hope to publish it soon. I also hope you'll enjoy it! :)

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Thoughtful Wonder of a Novel

This book captured my attention from the very start. The ideas were brilliant, and I also loved the philosophical ideas. The book made me think a lot even when I wasn't reading and it was easy to feel close to the characters. This was a brilliantly heart-warming novel with only a few things in need of editing- Well done!
As to the editing... Your main problem is the use of commas. You also always writes 'starred' instead of 'stared.'
I would suggest having a beta reader, just to get rid of the mistakes.
Also, the only point I thought was perhaps a little too long was the one where you introduce all of Tobey's soul mates. That could be a little shorter.
Apart from that, this was a compelling read and should definitely be considered for publishing. I enjoyed it so, so much! Even the title intrigued me- so simple and yet great.
Thanks for the lovely description and the beautiful worlds and situations you painted.

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Simply Amazing - Recommend It

This is an amazing read. Your writing could just as well be in a paperback as on inkitt. The description is great, with similes, but not over-used either. The characters are interesting, the plot intricate and engaging. There were a few rare typos here and there (I pointed them out with comments, you should get them by email.)
Other than that, I really admire your writing. It's beautiful. There is suspense and mystery, and the pacing is fantastic, the characters real and lovable.

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Loved this!

This was such an enjoyable read. Despite a few small mistakes dotted here and there, you have a nice writing style. I started to be truly drawn in starting on chapter two, when the action really started. Chapter 1 was a little difficult because of the entire telling and finding out history, but it was a good start to the book and made one understand the next chapters. Perhaps you can show more in chapter 1, but that's the only improvement I can suggest right now.
Also, I loved the solution Earth came up with; I loved your characters etc. The mistakes were pointed out already via comment (you should get them by email.) I loved your imagination and the consistency of your world, which, described the way you have, could be real. I could see it in my head, and I also liked the fact you gave each character something to remember them for. Many authors introduce many characters at once, which makes it hard to remember them, but yours had quirks and fears and vocabulary specific to themselves. They weren't introduced too fast, nor too slow. Kudos!

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Enjoyed it!

I actually really, really enjoyed this story. It's quite an innocent one, with themes like family, and friends. I liked the main character, and enjoyed seeing Beatrice's needs, although I thought she became clingy far too quickly, without obvious reason at the start. There were so many people in such a short space of time I couldn't remember many of them, and there was the occasional typo or rambling sentence.
Other than that, your style is perfect for children, or anyone who likes a narrator's sweet innocence. I would have liked to know what happens to Oswald and why he came late!
The story was enjoyable and had a nice pace. I also liked the ending.

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The Red Rose Tiara

I like the concept of this story: the Red Rose Tiara, Romance.... The plot is promising.
However, the first chapter sounded more like a character description and blurb. I'd suggest making a story plan and instead of telling us who Eva and Liam are in an information dump, try to introduce them slowly. For example, show us Eva in a shop, the way she stands and how that shows her fragility. Perhaps show us a scene with her brother, where she moves, and this leads her to Liam etc.
Also, have a look at grammar. You need to have a look at fragments, full sentences and commas.
I don't mean to be harsh in my critique - I simply hope this will help the story. I think you could have potential, and with a little more work and editing, this story could take a massive turn for the better.
Other than that, I liked the happy family idea (I'd love to see how that is acted out.)
Good luck with your book and don't give up!

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Emotional

At the start, I admit to being slightly sceptical - short chapters, and a formatting I generally don't see. Yet, it ended up being well-written, and what amazed me most, emotional. As an author, I have difficulty writing emotion well, but you made the reader feel what the MC felt with ease! Kuddos.
I found this story moving, if in a pleasant-unpleasant way. It was nice that the MC loved her husband and all, but I don't know what to make of it all. For me, love is something completely different. I like it that she can still appreciate the memories.
Your writing was short, but it conveyed a thought-inducing story about love. Nice!

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Great - especially for children

This book reminded me of a child's tale - fun, full of imagination, somewhat innocent. I loved being brought into this world, and I loved the honesty and courage of the characters, who were mostly lovable. This was such a fun read!
The only critique I have is that you made some grammar mistakes. Here and there, there were tense mistakes (although they weren't obvious.) also, new dialogue (from a different person) should be in a new paragraph!
"Blablabla" She said, should be "Blablabla," she said (for the sake of example.)
Other than that, this was a refreshing, quick and fun read! Nice!

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The Darkness of War

I have to say that I love the thoughtful, dark and realistic ride this has been. The characters were realistic; this truly expresses the way things can trouble people for years. Beautifully written!
I believe there were a few mistakes in the first chapters, but otherwise, this was greatly written.

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Cool

I quite enjoyed this book. The idea of evil sometimes reminded of the philosopher Nietzsche, who said that people sometimes acted like beasts with strangers because they were freed of social pressure. So this was different, but also had similarities to that in some ways. However, I think a few things could benefit from editing. For example, you need to review your use of commas. Also, it might be useful to talk a bit more - just a bit more - about the characters. Perhaps show their backgrounds, a particular quirk or their physical details. I suggest this because although I could distinguish Jim Ferret, his wife, and Jim Jenkins as well as Ride, I had difficulty for the most part distinguishing Moose, Clay etc. Sudgen and his partner were a bit easier, but they also need a little more detail. Furthermore, the dialogue was often unrealistic, in the way that it seemed you were trying to show too much information through it. Showing information with dialogue is good, but only to a certain extent. Dialogue is usually relatively mundane, so it might be good to review the dialogue, or if you don't see what should be changed, get someone to act it out or perhaps give yourself some time to listen to the conversations around you (preferably with their permission.) otherwise, you had a refreshing style, an interesting topic, and a good end. Nice!

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Good

I enjoyed the way I could see the scene and understand the character. I have a few things I thought could be edited a little though: something's were told instead of shown so maybe show some background and a memory of the character with her past friends while she keeps her feelings in instead of telling us she keeps her problems to herself. Some areas could be made longer to make us more invested in the characters in this way. Otherwise, this was concise and I really admire that - especially in short stories.

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Emotional

This is a story about depression, heart-break and guilt. It only has the first chapter, but this could become a great book. I found the reveal both cool and slightly confusing - because how could the voice not know they're ... I'd suggest working on that just a little. Also, the grammar (especially punctuation and from time to time, tense) has to be edited.
Other than that, this was a chapter which made me emotionally invested in the character and portrayed sadness in a beautiful, realistic way. Nicely written! Good luck with the book!

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Realistic

I liked the way you emphasised the problems war brought out in the fighters, and the way you made Adrian feel alone. It was realistic and well done. My problem, however, was the grammar. Often, words were missing or the words were spelt wrong etc. This made the story slightly difficult to read. Also, at the start, I didn't understand what Adrian's plan was, and later I didn't understand what Adrian had done which didn't save the Germans, his enemies. This confused me, so perhaps add some more background. If you can't see your mistakes, perhaps ask friend or family or a beta-reader here to review it for you.
Apart from the above, this story has potential. I liked the story-line. Good luck!

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Beautiful Start

This chapter was full of pretty description, good dialogue and lovable characters. Usually, I don't like stories revolving around princesses and dukes and royalty - simply because so many stories seem similar - but I can safely say I truly enjoyed this one!
The only thing I'd suggest is looking at the grammar. Your main problem is tense mistakes. I've already pointed a few errors out in the text, and if you wish, I'll also take some time to point the others out and possibly suggest ways of changing them.
Again, I loved this piece and I wish you luck writing the rest of this novel! Nicely done!

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Good Start

I enjoyed reading this chapter. Your writing style is clear and easy to read - the chapter wasn't confusing. I also liked the way the dystopian setting was set up, and the character seemed nice.
However, you have one problem (which I and probably everyone else have had in the past) and that is: show, not tell. During the chapter, you told us about the world, and everyone around it. Instead, try revealing small details about the setting over time - it will cause mystery and intrigue. Also, when you say people are dead, try showing that instead. EG: "I slid the panel to the side, entering the lady's home. A rank smell lay about the place, and red stains coated the carpet. At first, it seemed the woman had caused more damage than the guard, for they lay about. A few severed heads had rolled near to the fireplace, a haphazard cut running through the necks. Quickly, I rushed to the next room, bile rising in my throat." Etc. So, I'd suggest trying to work on the showing (which will also cause even more tension), but apart from that, the chapter was a very nice start! Well done! I hope the advice helps, and good luck for the book!

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Wow

This is an amazing story, probably completely unprecedented. You wrote about youth and dreams and old age - good topics, too. Although I found it quite confusing due to the living and dreaming not being set apart, the story kept my attention all along. Also, the grammar should probably be reviewed. Apart from that, nicely written!

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Benjamin and Louise

I am really sorry to give such low ratings. I did like the motherly and careful way Louise acted, the tension in chapter two, and the realistic way things unfolded at the start. I also liked the part about anorexia as abuse is a traumatic thing and could possible cause that.
However, the reason for my low mark was this: the grammar needs a lot of work. There was hardly any punctuation. The full stops and speech marks have to be added. When a new person talks, it goes on a new line. Also, I found Benjamins appearance very cliched. A man can be handsome without having muscles from extensive workouts. Also, although I liked the idea of the whole story, it needs work. Perhaps describe the teenage years in a bit more details. Put in actual memories - for example, show the scenery and the way Michelle persuaded Louise and Edward to go out. Also, when Louise runs away from abuse, I think she wouldn't be comfortable near another man straight away. I love the idea, but I believe someone would need time after Singh in an abusive relationship.
Apart from that, I love Louise's friends' support, Benjamin's determination, and the overall plot. Have a good edit - especially for punctuation (once that's been corrected, this will already be miles better). Again, I love the idea of this story and I hope you'll take the criticism on. This book, with a little work, has potential. Keep writing!

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Beautiful and Emotional

I really enjoyed reading this. It made love Anne and Aaron as well as Melissa and Avery. I loved the way you were familiar with Aaron's background, and you could recount it in an easy, flowing style. The story was emotional and very well written. The only thing I found difficult was that sometimes it seemed like some things were jumping from one place to the next, the chronological order not quite clear (but only in the first few chapters.) Apart from that, I really enjoyed reading this. It was beautiful and realistic, with events leading to the next. Nicely written!

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Absolutely Beautiful

I loved this story, the description, the MC and her character traits. I also enjoyed the little build ups causing tension - little details making the story even more intriguing. You grounded the reader easily and provided realistic dialogues and characters. The way you portrayed the characters and scenery was absolutely beautiful; your grammar was almost flawless. Yes, there were a few rare mistakes here and there, but overall, this was a supreme, enjoyable read!

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Nice and Intriguing

I found this book easy to read, the narrative style and story flowing and making it interesting to continue reading. I also found the main character, Elizabeth, lovable and realistic. This was an enjoyable read.
My only comment: you need to edit some of the grammar. The most common mistakes were tense mistakes, and you also spelt Ronny in two different ways (Rony and Ronny.) I found the ending slightly confusing, as I don't know what Dante refers to, though. That might have to be cleared up just slightly, although I assume there'll be more on that in further chapters.
Other than that, a supreme read!

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After The Hurricane

I really enjoyed the unique, constant character voice, the nice family bond, and the general idea of the story. I also loved the characterisation of the Mum and Dad and the way you grounded the reader successfully. My only critique: review the few grammar mistakes. EG: mama and papa should always be capital when used as names, and number should be in written form. Also, the end of the chapter didn't seem well rounded off.
Apart from that, it was a fun read I really enjoyed!

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Nice!

I loved your description, I loved Brenda, enjoyed the story in general and definitely got caught up in the story by the last chapter. A few things do need to be edited, though.
For example, I like your start. However, perhaps make it clearer. For example, use less repetition and perhaps give the prologue more structure. Another thing: I did find the prologue effective as it crops up later, although it needs to be written clearer (not just in the ways above - I'd suggest re-reading it after a while once you've 'forgotten' it a little bit.)
Also, a main problem is grounding - I've had this problem in the past too. A reader needs a proper idea about the setting and needs to get used to the characters just slightly. I found that too many cats and dogs were introduced too quickly, making me remember next to none of them. So, you may have to work on grounding. It may take a few tries, but you can do this!
Furthermore, I absolutely loved the idea of the cats. Another thing: I found it strange that at the start, Elaine is portrayed as caring and inviting, and then suddenly she's calling the police. In my opinion, that didn't fit characterisation - so that also needs work.
However, I love the plot-idea and characters, so well done on that! I'm also curious about the brother. Nicely done! I hope the critique helps - the book definitely has potential! Don't give up on this!

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Supreme Start!

I liked the main character, her secrets and opinions, as well as her relationship with her sister and grandpa. I also enjoyed your writing style as well as the pretty good grammar. The only grammar mistakes you do need to check for are the tense mistakes (occasionally) and a few other rare blips. Nicely done!

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An Absolute Favourite

I've had to put this in my favourites' reading list. The writing style is beautiful; the plot is supreme, the characters are unique. I also loved the fact that it is set in World War II and the setting fits with the other books I've read about Denmark during that time. Furthermore, you provide the start for a compelling, dangerous friendship and a brilliant story. Supremely written!

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Beautiful

This story made me love the MC, Olivia immediately. I felt her pain and her love, and the emotions you portrayed were amazing. Overall, the writing style was beautiful, too, and I really enjoyed reading this. It also seemed deep, which made it all the more intricate to read.
The only two things I wanted to address, which might help:
First of all, some of the areas confused me. A few areas were slightly confusing. For example, did Olivia dream of the woman on the night you are describing, or a while before? This change should be indicated by a change of tense. The last paragraph, however, was the most confusing, and it seemed to come to an end quickly. This is just a suggestion, but perhaps describe the intruder just a little. Also, I thought it was (R... A... Don't want to give a spoiler!) but then he had grey hair, so that confused me.
Other than that, there were a few slightly awkward phrases and one or two tense mistakes.
However, overall, I really enjoyed it, and I hope you get to make it into the beautiful novel it has the potential for. Last but not least, your writing style is beautiful. Very nice!

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Nice Idea

I really admire the way you decided to tell the story of your ancestors. I think it's one of those things which are really important, and I also think the amazing people out there should be remembered. So, I admire your decision to write this story.
You also didn't have too many grammar mistakes, I thought.
The only thing I need to critique : and this is why I gave it a three : is that I was confused from time to time. I think you need to give more grounding about the characters so that I can easily remember who is who. In the fist chapter, the first few sentences pulled my in immediately. On the other hand, I got confused about which grandpa you were talking about as it turned from somebody's grandpa to my grandpa and back to somebody else's. Or perhaps that was just me?
Also, if you do know what truly happened in the past, a few more details or perhaps dialogue would be nice - although the current amount of dialogue is perfectly fine too. I loved how you showed the people and the few speeches you did include were defining and nice. Again, a few more details would be nice - and also if some things went slower (but that goes along with description.)
However, I don't usually read non-fiction, so my tips are purely observations I think may be useful.
Again, this is an important, great story, so please don't take my extensively-explained critique as something bad. This story has true potential - it just needs a teeny bit of work. I hope this helps! Good luck with the novel!

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Victoria Tales

I really enjoyed 'watching' the characters, and this tale would definitely one I'd be interested to read. I also love the title and the plot overall.
Things you could improve: I was confused at times about what was going on. You referred to one of the girls as the girl in a dialogue - which is usually good, but there I had to read over the past. Perhaps give a little more grounding about the characters without being too clear for the sake of the 10-12 year olds. Yes, they might like simpler language most of the time, but one of the tips I've read by an author was not to make things simpler for children, as they like to think and books teach them vocabulary.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. Good luck with the book! I hope this helped!

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Good Start

Now, I can't say much about just one chapter, but this had an intriguing start. The girl seemed realistic enough, and she had lots of good characterisation to define her character. I like the idea of the Dixon family, and the MC's organisation.
Again, I can't tell much from so little, but this was a great start! Good luck with the novel!

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Amazing

I loved the concept of the world, with the colours resounding emotions. I loved the idea of the romance and the MC in general. Furthermore, the whole passage was really well written.
A beautiful story.
Even the ending fit perfectly.
There were some parts, where I thought Ethan's character seemed slightly irregular - from shy to confident to shy. Some reactions to situations also seemed somewhat realistic.
However, this was a fantastic read. I loved it. Well done!

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Unique Start!

I really enjoyed the first person perspective, which seems intriguing and absolutely unique. I also find it good that you put the words in brackets etc - I'm assuming it's for revision? If so, that's a brilliant way to do it!
I also like that your grammar was really good, and you had a nice, intriguing start to the story.
Of course, I'm quite sure some things can be improved - as they usually can be, yet this gave an immediate impression of the Mc's beliefs and background.
On the whole, it was really well written!

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Great Start!

I really enjoyed the unique perspective, the MC's daydreams and general thoughts, and the general idea we get of her. I also enjoyed the first scene in general - a very nice start! Here and there, there were grammar mistakes or awkward phrasings, but other than that, very well done!

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Chemical Reaction

I love the way the main character loves chemistry, the MCs' nicknames, the drama and the way you left me intrigued on the last cliffhanger. The writing had a fast, regular pace, was easy to read, and not confusing at all.
Some things seemed a little cliche, but the main thing you should work on is grammar. When a new person is speaking, their speech goes into the next paragraph instead of the one, in which the previous character talked. Also, review the tenses - they were sometimes a little muddled.
Apart from that, this book has potential. A few more drafts, a tad of editing, and perhaps a few more unique habits, and this book will be great!
Now, critique over, I liked the way your first person perspective was constant. You showed emotions quite well, making me feel for Matt. You have very interesting backgrounds and interesting coincidences - I'd really like to know about Lia and Radium's past relation to each other! So well done - good start!

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Divine

I absolutely loved the story-telling poems, each teaching a lesson or describing the world, the trees, fear. I especially loved the one named "Me," as well as "Fear," "Autumn's Lesson" and "Remembering."
Furthermore, you showed belief in god and talked about divine subjects without making it heavy, but rather beautiful and light. There were a few small mistakes and one or two awkward phrasings, but over-all, well written and brilliant. Nice!

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The Last Dance

I loved the realistic reactions towards tragedy and was intrigued by the title. I also like the characters general being.
However, I found the plot wasn't very strong - not because it Was a bad story (the plot actually does have lots of potential) but simply because it seemed a lot of things were just being made up as you wrote. I liked the idea of the war veteran, her background in general, etc, but I think you can improve. Try grounding us more at the start, so the history doesn't come as a shock, and perhaps make the MC wonder more about her ability to speak Russian. Also, the MC isn't a teenager, so the writing style should, in my opinion, have less Teen Angst.
Other than that, there were some funny parts, your grammar was fine and the overall story was inventive. Nice!

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The Palace Guard

I loved the dialogue and the description of Agent Roulette. I also enjoyed a few of the concepts and the general story idea. You also had amazing vocabulary.
On the other hand, I found chapter 1 especially confusing - although I loved the end. Perhaps try grounding us a bit more. I think you were giving us huge chunks of military history, and because of these chunks, I didn't understand what was going on. I also didn't fully understand the judge conference in chapter 2, again because I wasn't grounded enough about the characters, and didn't understand why Fazio was suddenly under charge.
So, perhaps ground us more, imply who's talking more often (are Fazio and the Iceman the same person) and show more clearly, what Hollister looks like. Sorry if this seems a bit much.
I did enjoy the writing style - only gave it three due to confusion - but overall, I like the way you write, describe some of the characters in a short and concise way, and provide us with background history. Nice!

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Nice Start!

I enjoyed reading this. It was a fast-paced read, with funny little scenarios like the one with the chicken, which I particularly enjoyed. This story has definitely got potential, especially as a first draft (I'm guessing, as it's NaNoWriMo.) I loved the characters, and especially the MC's perspective.
The things you can improve in 1. I'd like to know what the character's look like. At the start, maybe ground us on them a little bit. Don't write huge long paragraphs one by one, but perhaps add in small details in small sprinkles throughout the text. It'll definitely help us know who Katie, Adam, Oscar and the others are quicker.
2. You tell a lot - so one of the things you can do (also to lengthen your writing) is instead of tell us there's a dead fish on the sand, show us the MC approaching carefully. Suddenly on the sand, there's a grey creature, sunlight glinting off the rotting scales. What I mean by this, is you can describe a little more.
However, that's up to you. The last chapter (No.11) had a brilliant ending with brilliant dramatic effect, so I would suggest keeping that.
3. Inevitable as it is, there are grammar mistakes.
However, these are all normal mistakes. I've done them often too, and this is YOUR book, write it as you wish. I LOVED the pace, and the general idea of the huge family with cheeky parents - although they don't seem all that authoritative. Nice start, pretty well written! Good luck for the rest of NaNoWriMo, and generally for the book! :)

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Fantastic!

Wow. I loved the twist and the reveal : the reveal as to what the MC's world is really about. I actually really enjoyed it. At the start, I admit to being slightly thrown as I didn't totally understand what was going on, but then you cleared it all up in the third and fourth chapter. You could perhaps ground the reader slightly in the first few pages, but that is optional. Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Brilliant! I'm giving you a five because the dialogue was realistic, the twist really took me over and made me love the plot, which I loved. Fabulous!

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Beautiful

Your first chapter is intriguing and beautifully written. It definitely seems like it has potential. the only mistakes I found were tense mistakes. You talk in past tense, but sometimes you switched to present tense. Other than that, I really enjoyed this first chapter!

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Beautiful Read

Wow. I was really taken by the characters, and the setting was beautifully original. I especially loved the winter ball and Lilly's character in general. The story also had a beautiful style and consistent characterisation. Yes, there were some commas or full stops missing here and there. When Alex first tells Lilly she's a princess, I'd put in a few words to indicate she's the princess of the other kingdom - I hadn't understood that at the start. Otherwise, I absolutely loved it. Unique, attention-holding, beautiful. Well done!

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Interesting

I really enjoyed this first chapter. It was quite a nice beginning, especially with the ideas about curry and Raft, which were quite original. I'm interested to see what you come up with!
The only thing I have to say, is that I found this confusing: "Earth!" the creator.."One of yours, I believe?" as it makes it sound as if Raft created the world, so that confused me a little. Perhaps you could expand on that.
Apart from that, your vocabulary was very good, your grammar seemed excellent, and it's a good start over all! Well done!

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Beautiful Life Views

Wow. I really enjoyed reading this, even though I found the first chapter confusing. I especially enjoyed the eighth chapter. You really included beautiful life morals, and it was really nice to read.
This should be read by others because of the characters' unique views on the world, their way of life, and the relatable bullying situations.
The only things I think should be changed was that either they should be in university, or it should be made clearer that they're in university, because the dialogue sounded adult-ish.
Also, you need to check some grammar and make the first chapters less confusing. For that, I'd suggest grounding the reader a bit more: including memories of the past, the setting etc. I think you also need to make sure we always know that Maydee likes music, maths and literature from the start, because it seemed as if those elements were being made up on the way.
Apart from that, I loved the kind of person Maydee was, with several interests and especially the different ways she and Allen dealt with sickness. The love story was also beautiful. Also, "persons" should be "people." Finally, there were also some tense mistakes.
Apart from that, like I said, this was definitely a worthy read, which makes me think about the way Maydee perceived the world.

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Beautiful Comparison

I loved reading this, as it was beautifully written. i especially loved the way you opened the story, describing the proverb and putting it into context. There were a few mistakes here and there, but overall, it was really well written! Nice!
The only thing I would also encourage is making the story longer. Maybe you could have a chapter (the start) describing the proverbs. Then, maybe a scene with the accident, being sheperded away, and then the events which led up to Mrs. Rahman coming, for example: the pitiful glances cast by former friends etc.
Of course, this is optional, but I really think it would make a difference: I would just add in more detail.
Also, the first chapter didn't end satisfactorily- I think it would be better if the whole thing was in a chapter, or you split the two chapters somewhere else.
Apart from that, like I said, it was a beautiful read and you write with a supremely pleasant style!

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Dream Eaters

I enjoyed reading the story of two siblings' love for each other, and the way Alistair fought for Esther. I also enjoyed the descriptions of the nightmares and Ma's voice.
The only thing I think you could change was the length. The length of the chapters was good, but I think the characters needed time to adjust to circumstances. Perhaps instead of telling us about how uncaring the Auntie is, you could sometimes show memories of being at the table. For example:
"Eat up, Esther," Alistair said urgently. Yet, the little girl shook her head, her skin growing pale.
Alistair glanced at their Auntie. Her eyes were trained resolutely on the table cloth, and when she looked up, she just said, "Let her choose whether or not to eat." She shrugged, "It just makes one mouth less to feed."
Also, I don't think Alistair would trust the mage immediately, so perhaps enforce his desperation or the Sage's commanding. Add some dialogue to make them have to trust each other, or explain Alistair's quick change of mind.
Apart from that, it was a nice story, especially well written grammar-wise. Nice!

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Great Cliffhangers

You have an intriguing start and first chapter, I'll give you that. I immediately liked the main character, and i think Mona may be a good fore-shadow- am I right?
I also like the way you showed readers some things instead of telling them the facts. For example, instead of saying the mother is a teacher (right?), you told us she was out correcting tests.
It was the same with the tea party's with Yiruma.
The only thing you need to work on is grammar and spelling. Your puncutation seems fine, but often you make spelling and tense mistakes. For example, you wrote something along the lines of "Can I met," which should be "Can I meet?" because speech is usually in present tense if relating to something happening right now.
Also, you wrote "taped" instead of "tapped" and "conker" instead of "conquer." So, I would suggest getting a beta-reader when you're finished to point your mistakes out. You also need to edit the paragraphing in the prologue and at the start of chap.1.
Despite the mistakes, this book is worth reading, I think, especially when edited. I loved the plot idea, and I'm interested to see where this is going. Like I said in the title, I also found your cliffhangers brilliant.
Continue working on this! Nice!

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Always

I really enjoyed the calm start you offered with the two people. both attractive, and yet so different. There was also a nice amount of dialogue and you showed what Storm was doing efficiently.
However, there were a few recurring mistakes. For example, you said, ""Yes."" and on the next line, "She replied." This would be less confusing and have a better pace as, ""Yes," she replied." You do this quite often, so I'd suggest checking over that.
You also have areas, where you have extra commas. In, "and big dark eyes, seemed to bore right through him," the comma should be left away. I think the same could be done for a better flow on, "Maybe, I could show you around then."
"He found it, refreshing, almost intoxicating," should be, "He found it refreshing, almost intoxicating."
You wrote "Chapter 1" in your text after introducing the date and place, but "Chapter 1" is introduced automatically by inkitt, so you could leave that away.
Lastly, in Inkitt's term and conditions, it asks for you to use the inkitt tool as a line break. You used "****" so perhaps you could change that.
Apart from that, it was a good read and you should definitely continue writing!

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Evolution and Evil

If anyone's looking for a story about quick pregnancy, the changing of human priorities and an enthralling story, this is the one to read. It was perhaps mature, but it was written very well with only few mistakes. I found it interesting that Holden changed so quickly from religious to uncaring, and it made me like Jacob most. When the woman killed her child, I just gasped and couldn't believe it. It was quite upsetting really.
I'd like to point out the mistakes you made.
You wrote: "While listening to "Silent Beauty," as they called her, speak they'd been..." but I think it should be,
"While listening to "Silent Beauty," as they called her, they'd been..."
When you wrote, "Well... I watch a lot of bondage..." it would be helpful to indicate who's speaking.
"Shaking his at Jacob, looking angrily at the ceiling" should be "Shaking his head at Jacob, looking angrily at the ceiling."
In, "and her child's birth taking place with in hours of each other." "with in" should be one word.
"You are apart of a herd of sperm carriers." Here you wrote "apart" and you do so later on, too, but it should be "a part."
"Choosely wisely" should be "Choose wisely."
"humanity's future when wrote about a man creating a being with no pulse at all." should be "humanity's future when she wrote about a man creating a being with no pulse at all."
Apart from that, your story was beautifully written, making me really shocked. Again, an interesting idea. Well done!

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Interesting Idea

I really enjoyed the way the man was dreaming and playing around in his head, and his obligations were quite interesting too- I mean, the groom was his drinking buddy and the wife his secret affair! What are the odds of that? Nice!
I especially loved the ending as it was funny in a way.
The way he argues with himself about why he should be at the wedding is also well done. The only thing I'd improve was that at some points it was slightly confusing. A few times, the sentences just made me wonder whether he was dreaming or not- though this is only a slight problem.
Also, you made a slight mistake in the first line, but apart from that, nicely written! Your style is pretty unique!

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Cool!

I really enjoyed the premise of your story. Your characters seemed realistic, and I liked your plot. I am sorry about the low ratings, but I want to explain them. I loved the story, but it is in need of a little bit of editing (I hope you will take this constructively.)
First of all, review your text for punctuation, extra words, and too long sentences. Many of your sentences went on for too long. Try cutting a few of them. Also, you tell instead of showing. To remedy this, I'd suggest more description (to give us an idea of the setting and characters - I'm really curious about what Lord Draven looks like!) and also more dialogue. Take time on the different scenes. Show us the MC talking with her boss. Show their body language to portray what they're feeling.
That was all I didn't like. But now to the positives: I loved the eerie feeling you created at the end. You gave us dreams and mystery and the unknown. Furthermore, your characters are interesting. I would love to pursue a journalist's adventure - and with Lord Draven, the mystery is heightened. This could become such a beautiful book! It has a strong plot. It just needs a little work, but even so, I enjoyed it!

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So much potential!

I love this scene, and where you're going with the story. The plot seems promising; the characters were different to what I thought they would be. I also don't think I've read a book like this one before, judging by the first chapter and the start of the second.
My only critiques:
-I think you should go through your text and edit. Cut any words out, which aren't necessary. Introduce the character's names early on so you don't need to refer to them as "the first woman" or "the woman behind her." You have a promising text, and with a little refinement, it will be absolutely intriguing. Furthermore, you often switched from one tense to the next. Choose whether you want to write in past or present.
-Perhaps (and this is optional), add some description. It can make a text even more interesting by giving small, odd details. How the room smells. And also, use adjectives! They make the most simple sentences wonderful, as long as they're not overused!
Other than that, your characters are emotional (but not so much that it's unrealistic and too dramatic.) I think this can turn into something beautiful. You already have the key tools here: just further them. I hope this helped. Also, one last thing: I especially liked how you showed the reader things instead of telling us. Nice!

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Great!

I loved the story premise! It was fantastical, inventive, and interesting! You have some things to improve in grammar: for example, you often forget to mention the object or the pronoun of a sentence. "Got to the train station" (eg) instead of "He got to the train station." I liked the way you portrayed your characters though. I pointed out most of the mistakes via comment. I also enjoyed imagining the world: I could see it in my head as I read. I also feel like seeing the dead girl and the light was a perfect introduction to the world you were making. For that, kudos! This was enjoyable and nicely written, except for the few mistakes here and there!

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Nice!

This was certainly a fun read! I liked the way you portrayed the future, enjoyed the emotions, and found this a quite light-hearted quick read. Your sentences are clear, although a few at the start could be edited to sound more natural. The main thing you need to edit is the mistakes. There were often words missing or words too much, as well as a few verbs written in past tense instead of present.
Other than that, this was great! I loved the way it was written - the only reason you had a 4 in writing style was because of awkward sentences (which I'm sure you can change easily.) also, the ending seemed rushed. Perhaps try giving the character time to think about Ronnie. The questions at the end seemed forced.
Also, I like it that you'll be talking about a relationship that didn't work because most books don't talk about that, and I wish you good luck! I also think it's an important theme that isn't talked much about in society. Nice!

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Great start!

I loved the way you wrote this story. It was easy to recognise the characters, and it was a new plot I hadn't read ever (as in, it was different to any other, without any cliches as far as I'd read.)
The dialogue was good; your characters seemed realistic. I also enjoyed the action and the setting.
Your only problem here is that you have to cut some unnecessary words out. Occasionally, you also had a few errors. For example, you once forgot the second pair of speech marks.
Other than that, this was well written and interesting to read. Nice!

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Nice!

Although I can't judge very well yet because of how short this is, I have to say I really enjoyed this book. When I found out it was about a model, I was a bit sceptical at first. I thought the idea was typical, and perhaps also over-used, but then I really enjoyed it. Bonus! I also think you portrayed the characters well, you grounded the reader so that nothing was confusing. The sentence structure was good; your paragraphs neither too short nor too long. You also had lovable characters and an easy-to-picture setting.
Sometimes, you forgot commas here or there, and made tense mistakes. I also think the first line in every chapter should have been grammatically correct, but you used "i" instead of "I", forgot capital letters, and punctuation. I assume there were supposed to be chapter names - perhaps try transferring them to the chapter name itself? Apart from these small typos, you did many things well. I generally don't enjoy this kind of book, but this was a fun, quick, great read. Keep writing!

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On Wattpad

I really enjoyed reading this - it was definitely short, quick and fun, with nice interactions and nice characters. I was curious about chapter 2, which has not come out yet. Considering this is not in my favourite genre, I gave to give a kuddos. It was well written, and I hope to see more. Keep writing!

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Supreme

I absolutely loved reading this story. The characters were unique; the story also had unique twists.
You have a great writing style, which is clear and intriguing. I loved Valen immediately, also because she was such a model student. I love that, and the way she works hard. I also loved Aiko at the start, found Ivan interesting, and loved Sedge and the romance.
At points at the start, I'll admit I wasn't into the story at first - some parts were slightly dull - but there was nothing major. I found the ending quite confusing, although you explained wonderfully.
(For any readers, spoilers coming, ish.)
However, I don't get how the humans are. Are there humans at all? Or are they replicas of the other dimensions? How does that work?
I also found it sad that the book ended with such a cliffhanger - I would have preferred to have all the confusion over, and then have a different questions or challenge or hurdle, whatever, as a cliffhanger for the next chapter.
Your grammar was generally great, although there were a couple of mistakes in the last chapter (three. I pointed one out, and I'll try to come back to find the others.)
So, well done! You crafted a strong setting, unique characters, a great plot, and you have mastered a sublime writing style. Great!

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Interesting!

I loved many things about the story. I loved the fact that you used the Latin word, Rex, instead of king. I also loved the unexpected twists, and the way Damian had to make decisions. It seemed characteristic and unique. You have a clear writing style, too, and I really started to enjoy the story during chapter 3. Your chapters were short and fun; I loved both kings. They were very funny. :)
The main thing you need to edit is grammar, although that should easily be achieved. I also found the first two chapters didn't have much description. In the first chapter, I wondered what the king would do to his son, Damian. That was good.
Other than that, I also loved the demons etc. This was an interesting, fun read. Continue writing!

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Good Start

You have a very intriguing plot as well as an abundance of good vocabulary. I like your MC and the part were he lost his wife was both moving and upsetting.
I did have a few points of critique however, from which I think the story would benefit.
1. Your character changed too much in too little time. At the start, he was a reasonable character. All of a sudden, he became dramatic. I think this is a hinderence to the story: he should have the same ground traits during most of the novel, although his beliefs and his character can change a bit. I you think about real life, people take ages to change, and generally keep their main behaviour/traits/beliefs.
-Your sentences were too long. Where mine were too short, yours sometimes went on for too long, with so many clauses that it became confusing.
-I would suggest changing the first chapter slightly. I began to love it only when I finally saw the character in action. Before that, it was hard to get into the story because you recounted the place's entire history in a pages-long info dump. Maybe try showing the effect of the history on its occupants during the novel, and only telling us the most essential. The rest we can find out during the rest of the story, bit by bit.
-there were a few typos (normal) and some dialogue seemed slightly too long, as if you're trying to make us understand. Try making it more concise, or perhaps just review it. However, this only happened rarely and it is a very small detail. Most of the above can be changed easily.
Other than that, this story was captivating and intriguing. I also loved that you included relatable/ thought-inducing statements about life and humanity. Good luck with the novel!

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Nice Start!

I loved the premise of this story. I think the crime is well thought out, maybe this could even turn into an interesting set of turns. I was reminded of Agatha Christie when I first heard about the suspects, and I'm eager to see more (suspects.) I also liked the way you made younger kids the detectives as it's easier for them to listen to things (and seem innocent.)
What I didn't particularly enjoy, and I don't mean any offence: is you made several grammar mistakes and the writing style didn't seem... appropriate. Don't get me wrong, I love the way you wrote it. I simply thought the dialogue was immature, and if the MC had seen lots of dead bodies, it wOuld probably have an effect on her, if only a mild one. I also couldn't tell Sam and Cam apart. My suggestion is to try giving them some description over time, at the start. Instead of saying everything in one block, try describing e.g. Cams hair as they sunbathe at the start. I think editing could improve your novel greatly, although it's already good.
The main mistake I remember is in speech. You said things like: Cam said, "don't do this." It should be: Cam said, "Don't do this."
Other than that, all the positives above make this story a quick and interesting read. I loved the way the MC investigated everything, and the way she inspected the cut. Brilliant!

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Great Premise

I loved the dystopian flair of the novel, watching how society had turned out - and how people sealed with technology! I loved that idea, and sometimes, I really wondered whether Model 10 had some human aspects due to emotion!
My only problem with this novel was sentence structure. Your sentences almost always started with he or she. Usually 6 times in a row. Two times is okay, but try to change that. Also, it sometimes seemed as if you had simplified some things. There was a lot of repetition and sometimes, the paragraphs could be cut in favour of a shorter, more concise one.
Other than that, I absolutely love the story idea. I think this could turn into something supreme. I hope it's not offensive - I just think a round of editing would make the story that much better.
Also, you always said things like, "She slightly smiled." Either, you can cut the slightly out, or change it to, "She smiled slightly."
Oh, and I love the hook in the middle of the book with Ten! A slight twist, great! :) Good luck! Hope this was helpful.

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Potential

You had relatively realistic teenage dialogue - although I personally believe that teenagers aren't simply always acting with smirks and banter. What I think you should improve is the grammar (although apart from that, you have a beautiful writing style) and also several cliches. I have read several books with similar characters. Furthermore, I didn't really enjoy the violence, although I understand it could be important for the plot. Apart from that, I think you could become a good author - continue writing!

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Great Start, Promising!

Despite several tense errors, this story began immediately with a good amount of suspense. I also loved the main character and Kyle, as well as think they both have mysterious, interesting background stories. Very nicely done!

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Teen Fiction

I liked the way the characters were relatable, fun, and witty. Also, you made a good job of describing infatuation, and the dialogue was also realistic! There were a few cliches, but the one thing I think you need to edit is the grammar. The tenses were constantly changing from present to past and vice Verda. Also, if someone new is talking, their speech goes in a new paragraph. Finally, numbers from 0-10 have to be written out. I found several things in the first chapter not quite clear - like the thing with the battery - but apart from that, this was an enjoyable, fast-paced read. I enjoyed the intro and especially, the characters' banter. Nicely written!

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Promising

I think this has an interesting premise. I love Eris. She's fun, and it's nice to read about her adventures. However, I also have to say that sometimes, some things were a little confusing. For example, at the start, I didn't quite understand what Mortem Auxilium were - the explanation could have come earlier. Griffin and Arianna being one was also not always clear, as was the matter with Balfour. Often times, there seemed to be little mistakes in the text. Yet, I really enjoyed this! It was fantastical, fun, and it's clear you know the world pretty well. Nice!

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Brilliant and Dark

At first I wasn't sure all the poems followed each other in sequence o make a story, but in the end, I think they do. I like the way they fit together like pieces of a puzzle, colouring a picture of destruction and slowly building a story. Although most poems seemed quite similar and there could have been a little more variety, I really enjoyed your style. Very nicely written!

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Good start

I agree that this is a promising start. Although a few things could have been clearer, especially concerning the three neighbours, this was well-written with a relatable and sometimes funny perspective and some nice description. I could really see everything happen in front of me, and I loved the character. Nice!

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Sublime

I loved this. A story about a sorceress and her family, this story is full of intrigue, new concepts, relatable and sometimes funny characters, and lots more. The plot does remind me of Harry Potter - but the intrigue and mystery in this story is completely different and beautifully written.
I hope you don't mind the individual feedback and that it helps you (it has certainly helped me in the past)!
Good luck with this story - again, I just adore the characters.

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Typical Life of Me

I liked the way you had a pretty relatable character for a teenage audience, and you also had a distinct teenage voice.
However, I believe the story is in need of editing. First off, you need paragraphs, and you should also revise the spelling of "there, their and they're." Also, many of the characters were cliche - ranging from a b***** Jasmin on the intercom, blabbing to the others, too. Also, you have a very normal day free of characters - I read once (in I believe the Nelson Agency Blog) that a normal day is not the best way to intrigue a reader. Try putting more description and showing instead of telling.
Apart from the critique above, I am sure this story can become something beautiful. Your grammar was pretty good except for the paragraph issue, forgetting speech marks and mixing up "their" and "there." This can become something beautiful with a small edit, so good luck!

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The Utopia of the Soul

I enjoyed the plot-line, and I liked the characters - especially Lupio. I found Orlando mysterious, and I liked the POV. The only thing I didn't like is the grammar. Often, I found it hard to understand a sentence because you used "him" instead of "her" - for example. Of course, that's understandable. Mainly, I suggest editing the first chapter, as it was very hard to understand, and that might be a turn-off for readers.
On the other hand, I loved the fact that she found Leslie in the woods. Again, go through, edit, perhaps ask for a beta-reader, and then the book will be a beautiful read. Another thing I loved: the dystopian setting had a very clear setting, and I enjoyed the way of life in the village as well as the general aspect of marriage at 25. I'm sorry for the low ratings: I simply believe the grammar had a negative effect. If you want, when (if) you've edited, you can tell me, I'll re-read and alter my ratings accordingly. Good luck! A great plot idea!

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Supreme

You have a beautiful writing style. Your description is beautiful without being overloaded, your characters are lovable. the romance element intriguing. I'll admit, you surprised me with Grant in the last chapter, and I truly want to know what happens next. I also liked it that although you always kept your style, your POVs were very well done. The only few things I noticed were: numbers from zero to ten should be written in word-form, Donald Trump HAS become the 45th president, and your page breaks should use the inkitt page-break tool.
Apart from that, your grammar was brilliant, your characters both complex and realistic. I really loved Ryan and Madison, although I also ended up enjoying reading about Grant, Stephanie and the firm altogether. Great job!

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Beautiful Style

You have a supreme writing style - full of brilliant description and tinged with a soft edge. The more I read your story, the more I wanted to read. I loved your characters too, Arna in particular. Although I didn't find chapter 1 very strong because it was confusing, I enjoyed reading this. I also liked the concept of the tribes of the tide, and seeing Arna learn. The only thing is that, in places, your sentences were often too long - especially in the first chapter - so I'd suggest you review that. Otherwise, your grammar was really good, your dialogue realistic, the actions of your characters displaying their authority and character in relation to their family. Nicely done!

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Great Narrative Style

I loved this story. It had a great writing style, a good story, and a realistic, lovable character. The ending fit, leaving a hint of mystery, and there was a good build-up to the ending, causing just a tad of tension.
The only thing I think you should review is the grammar. There were a few tense mistakes here and there, and a few other small things.
Overall, brilliant work! I really enjoyed reading this!

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Beautiful start!!!

I loved your writing style. You provided a beginning that intrigues me, makes me love the characters, and asks me to continue reading. I also loved the plot line, the foreshadowing at the start, and the general description and the MC's remarks.
The reason I gave a four is because - especially at the start of the chapter - there were awkward phrasings. Also, you made several mistakes, usually to do with the verb forms in various tenses.
Other than that, great start!

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A Boy and his Tiger

I really enjoyed this story and - especially - the warm feeling the end gave me. It was one of those stories I really enjoyed, and reminded me of a supreme book I'd read once about bears, which had a similar, beautiful ending.
I like your writing style, too, although I'd like to offer a little critique. I hope you don't mind! The things I thought you should improve were showing instead of telling.
For most of the story, you were telling us what Aleksei was doing. Instead, perhaps you could show us one of Aleksei's memories: like the one of his parents' death etc. Also, if he's afraid, show it. Instead of saying "he was afraid," try something like "Aleksei's skin blanched. He wanted to curse himself beneath his breath, but the giant cat was in front of him. He couldn't move. He couldn't make a sound. His eyes darted to either side, searching for the right weapon. Perhaps the (enter weapon here)? However, it was futile."
Of course, don't use this text necessarily: it's just an example of showing fear an anger. Once, you did say "Aleksei froze" and that was brilliant. It gave me a true image of his reaction.
Other than that, a very warm kind of story. I hope the advice helps! I really enjoyed reading this, so well done! Nicely written!
Lastly, if you do edit this story, feel free to ask me to have a look! I would also then edit this review accordingly. :)

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Brilliant, Fast-Paced Must Read

This story was brilliant. One minute I found myself on page 18, the next on page 23. It was hooking, well written, intriguing and told by a brilliant narrative style. The grammar was almost flawless too, so I definitely recommend this book. Supreme read!

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Intriguing Start!

I loved the cliffhanger, the start, the mysterious feeling of darkness. I also loved the third person narrative, which gave me an idea of the strong MC. I also enjoyed the general setting and description. I believe there were a few awkward sentences and perhaps one mistake, but these are probably opinion. I loved the read. Well done!

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Amazing

Wow. This story is completely mesmerising, I envy your beautiful way of describing things, and you've got a consistent, hardcore main character. I love all the characters, actually. Cora, Caleb, the father, Eamon...
Beautiful.
When I first began to read, I was scared this story wouldn't be for me because of the fantastical start, but oh boy, I love it. Well done!

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Out Of The Mouth Of Dialysis

I really enjoyed this story, which was really well written. The character was unique, consistent, and cared a lot for his sister. I loved his relationship towards Orion and the general way he wanted to stand up to bad situations. I also loved the story's realism, although it had a few dark themes.
There were a few more mistakes in chapter 3 than otherwise, but in general, this story was really nice. Well done!

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Nice Start

I enjoyed reading especially the first chapter with the writing. I also loved the writing style and the general story idea. However, I thought the thing with the cyber bullying was spring on me too fast, as if the author had just had the idea that it'd be a nice input in the story. The way you could improve in that, I'd say, is to write in sole thoughts from the MC's pespective, which hint at fear or wondering who does that kind of stuff and why. Or if it's the first time she has the problem, show us her surprise.
Other than that, it was quite good, well done!

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Beautiful and Emotional

This is the kind of book full of difficulty but also beauty. Fully edited and finished, I think I'd buy it in a bookstore.
It was written absolutely beautifully.
There were only few mistakes, (the most common one was 'too' instead of 'to') and the whole thing made the reader feel the emotions the MC felt. I loved it. Well done!

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Thrilling

This books was amazing, fantastic, fun to read. I absolutely enjoyed Damian's journey, as well as the mysterious characters around him. I also liked the way you left an open ended ending, and yet somehow managed to answer most of my questions - though I still had a few. For example, what were Valerie's motives, and what was behind Serena's door? Other than that, it was BEAUTIFULLY written. You just need to work on those questions. I was drawn into the story as of the middle of the first chapter. Yes, there were a few mistakes and awkward phrasings, but these were only very few. Overall, this was a brilliant read. Thank you!

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Nice!

I loved the idea of the dating website, its consequences, and the relationship between Jezzabel and Scarlett. Especially this relationship and Adam's positive response to it. I also enjoyed the setting with the precise paintings etc. I'm afraid I skipped some parts seeing as I'm not into erotica, but otherwise it was a simple and nice plot. I also liked the fact that you had hardly any grammar mistakes and the writing style was fast and free. Everything was really well written. The only thing I think you could have improved was really the hook of the story.
Well done!

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Short and nice

I loved the stories and Furl's unique power. I also enjoyed the plot overall, the grammar (well-written) and Furl's forgiveness. I also think this story in itself could make a brilliant novel if you would want to expand on it. It also has potential for a full story, but it was nice this way, too. Loved it. Well done!

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Great Plot and Culture

I really enjoyed reading this. The romance was really nice, but what really struck me as intriguing was the cultural background. I absolutely loved most of the characters- especially Renu.
The only thing I think you should work on is telling. You skip time periods, and you also tell us what happened instead of describing the scene and including more dialogue. Apart from that, it was a beautiful plot.
There were a few grammar errors here and there, but mostly, the story was really well written. Kudos!

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Unique, Emotional Ride

This is not the type of book I usually read, but it ended up being a really beautiful, well thought-out and written read. I loved the way there were no loops in the story, the way the characters changed over time, and the moral included. I also loved the emotion- I really found myself grasping at the story in the second half of the book especially, just wanting the characters to pull through. There were also very nice twists, and the ending! Wow.
The most common mistake you made was "wakened." That should be "woke up" and "awakened" should be "awoke." You also made some tense mistakes here and there as well as a few typos, but overall, your grammar was impeccable, the writing beautifully descriptive with a deep, dark setting.
Well done!

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Thrilled

If anyone's looking for a story they could read in one go and be thrilled during the ride, this is the one. The tension just built and built and there was beautiful realism included in the supernatural.
There were a few mistakes, but the grammar was generally supreme and the story had a quick and flowing pace.
I'd like to point the few mistakes out though. You wrote, "I know Grandma Rose gives all these weird things for you on your birthdays." and this is not really a mistake as such, but I believe it'd be better as, "I know Grandma Rose gives all these weird things to you on your birthdays."
"A mirror that falls of a wall or breaks or cracks under mysterious circumstances are said to be haunted." The "are" should be "is."
"suspected their daughter of an illicit affair that she vehemently denied, but her parents wont believe her." The "won't" should be "wouldn't."
"at which point you entered and was never able to get out again," in which "was" should be "were."
Also, you always use this: "***" as page breaks. Inkitt asks for the special page break to be used. I hope this was helpful.
However, once again, this was a fantastic read. Well done!

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Casual turns Horrific

At the start, the piece was well written with nice little background details and relatively normal happenings. And then boom. The atlas room. Desolate. Deadly.
The old man's intentions were something completely out of the blue. I was waiting for the horror part, and I definitely wasn't disappointed, though I would like to point out a few mistakes, though the story was written really well.
"My college is in a city, and it is an expensive city. " You wrote this at the start, and explained it slightly afterwards. I would suggest to replace this with some facts, which prove how expensive it is, or leaving it out, as that is the only part in the novel where you really tell, not show. After that, you explain, which is good, but I find the sentence unnecessary. Also, there's the repetition of the word city.

Later you wrote, "Hello there," Said the man, ... "Said" should be small.
"This pool was build by my father for my mother." In past tense, build is "built."
"It's sentimental and as so I want it kept in prime condition." Here, the "as" makes the sentence flow less well, so I think it would be better to get rid of that one word. Apart from that, the sentences are generally well made without extra words.
"I never spent more that five minutes in the atlas room," should be, "I never spent more than five minutes in the atlas room."
"and capping the expensive expensive bottle that was Jack's favourite drink." This has two times the word expensive, so either add a comma, or get rid of one of them.
"Tat night I was awakened by a tornado siren" "Tat" should be "that," though I understand that it's simply a typo.
"After a few minutes I moved down the steps into the atlas room." In this past sentence, you wrote atlas room again. The word "atlas" is mentioned too often, and it slows the reader down. Try using a few synonyms like map, or that desolate room...
"Behind the atlas, there was nothing darkness," should be "Behind the atlas, there was nothing but darkness."
"I could baarely see several oblong objects." Barely is misspelt.
"and getting smaller as they neared them bottom." Them should be the.
"the tornado was far less danger than the one I left behind." This sentence was was a great touch to the story! However, "danger" should be "dangerous."
I hope this helped! I simply am prone to noticing grammar mistakes, sorry.
Anyway, apart from those few ones, the story was marvelous (as you can see by my rating) and I also enjoyed the realistic sides of everything as well as the mystery and suspense behind the old man. Well done!

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Emotion-inducing Rollercoaster

I absolutely loved this story: for its unique, emotion-inducing style, for its simple but effective layout, for its realistic characters, for its happy ending. I almost cried twice. Also, I could see everything happening, and I could feel what Ben was feeling. The whole time, I couldn't stop reading, (except when I really had to.)
The last chapter was especially adorable, and I think about the story often enough. Thanks for writing it so brilliantly!

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Dramatic Love

This book was a story with a refreshing POV and twists and turns, which were realistic to the characters. Though not what I usually read, it was a great read and I actually enjoyed it very much! I found it interesting the way Darren changed, they way people impacted his life, and the way Dude didn't seem to be able to restrain himself. I haven't read the ending, and in a way I both anticipate and fear it, because I want both Celiene and Kay to be happy- they're both such nice characters. Maybe Celiene will be together with Mr. Long?
Also, it was amazing how you made the characters so realistic and consistent.
Your only problem was the occasional grammar mistake, usually more frequently in the last chapters. You kept changing tenses- not very obviously, but it was still there. You also sometimes forgot the commas in speeches, for example, something like, "Darren come here," should have been "Darren, come here."
Sometimes, you also told emotions instead of showing them, though this was not a huge problem. It was most prominent in ch8.
There were also quite a few small mistakes, so I'd also suggest a beta-reader once you're done, though I'll already point a few out. In chapter 2, you wrote, "Lucy, I'm love with you." This should be, "Lucy, I'm in love with you.
Then, in ch4, it was written, "It was pretty rough time in my life," when it should have been, "It was a pretty rough time in my life." Also, watch out in ch4 for tense switching.
Also in ch4: "If Melissa didn't want to hang out, I knew were to find one." "were" should be "where."
"He, like me, was exited in Kay's presence," should have been written with "excited" instead of "exited."
Apart from the small mistakes, I really enjoyed the moral implications and troubles Dude had to face.

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