DamianDoom

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Fast Forward!

A terrific example of how flash fiction is supposed to be. The use of commas, short sentences and brusqueness of narration all helped to create the desired effect. It was expertly written, and I really enjoyed reading it. One spelling mistake I'll point out is "Had't".

The plot was a little weak. There was a lot of mystery, and Mrs Kelly seemed very reluctant to shed light on the matter. It made me wonder what could scare a mother so much that she wouldn't report her child missing. What clandestine activities are being carried out in the houses of the "good neighbours"? I hope the next few chapters will cast some light on this.

The attack on Sarah was superbly described. It was scary, and fast-paced. It seemed like Sarah will suffer the price for her probing into the matter. Another thing which stuck out was Mrs Kelly's husband. Her fierce defence of him was the only time she was actually really being emotive, which suggests that perhaps her husband is precisely what sagacious Sarah suspects.

I really hope to read more of your story!

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A Different World

The story described the strange lifestyle of the narrator with impeccable finesse. The story was macabre and humorous at the same time. Despite feeling disgusted at the foul thoughts of the narrator, I laughed out a couple of times at the darkly wry humour. The man seemed to be at peace with himself and his life, and I was able to empathize. After having his life destroyed in a meaningless car accident, there was nothing left for him. The murders of Derek and his friend were the catalyst for the man's metamorphosis into the monster. He manages to still enjoy himself - his desire to make everything theatrical and his appreciation for Forest Gump are clear indications why the man is able to sleep at night. The reasons given for why his atrocities in Camp Sunshine went unnoticed seemed more like feeble excuses. The cops may be lazy, yes, but even the laziest of them would notice if people were continuously going missing from the camp. Given the large numbers in which he slaughters, I find it highly improbable that his exploits would be tolerated for so long. And what of the camp management? Why don't they just shut down the camp, or investigate into the matter? But apart from that, the story was great. The most beautiful part was his contemplation of interacting with other people. "I get to spend the most important moment of their life with them. Their death." It was a good attempt to understand the psyche of serial killers. I am left wanting for more.

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Brilliant!

I don't even know what to say - I am in awe. It was such a brilliantly crafted tale, I was left breathless. The beauty with which we slowly realize that the man is planning to kill his beloved wife was gripping. The wife's attack on the man was effectively foreshadowed in the first few paragraphs. The man's initial separation from his wife seemed a little disappointing - as if their extraordinary love couldn't bear the pressures of the world which every couple undergoes. There was amazing subtlety in the ordering of the recount - the wife's first kill is described to us before their reunion (which was chronologically incorrect), which helped to instil the idea that the true horror for him was the initial separation. I wonder why the wife killed someone, I would have liked to learn more about that.

The imagery and expressionism was beautiful. Every sentence had a grace, and words were used in such exciting ways to create new forms of descriptions. A few things I noticed which should be corrected are:
1) "Voice spills rich and aromatic" Aromatic is used for smells, and even by long stretches of imagination, its use to describe a voice seemed wrong.
2) There should be commas around "when the only worries were dressing attires for dances and gas money for weekend drives"

I loved the story, I don't know how else to put it. You should write more here on Inkitt. The concept of attractions was enthralling - and the last line left me gasping. Such beauty, the woman's attractions to her innate monster juxtaposed with her love for her husband. Bravo!

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Morbidly Intriguing

I really liked the way you wrote. There was a lot of tension created right in the beginning, heightened by the fact that we did not get to know what the phone call was about. The poem was very eloquent, and most ominous. The One seemed to be a clear reference to the Devil, but I don't think we need to get religious here. I wonder how much supernatural influences played a role when the mother recited her poem.

The fate of the brother mirroring the warnings given in the poem was perhaps a little expected. What did surprise me was the ending. Where does she have to go, and who is calling her name?

The grammar and punctuation was immaculate. It was nicely worded and there was a remarkable flow in the narrative. A very good story, but perhaps a little short. I await the next few chapters to find out more about the narrator and her brother.

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