Avalon Greene

India

Aspiring author from the land of milk and honey. I write across many genres.

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Everything I'm Not

First of all, I am extremely sorry for such a late response. I think I accepted your review request like months ago and I am fulfilling that tonight. Oh well, here we go.

So, the title of the story is really pretty catchy. And coupled with that, the picture alongside it gives a really good impression on the reader. Kudos for that! The summary, too, was well-written and just short enough to draw in the reader. Well done!

The writing style was really good. It was simple and thus easy to read. You really pulled off the first-person thing pretty well with that. I liked how you began the story. Also, the flow of narration was smooth. At first, I thought there were some unnecessarily details, but then, they did not hinder the easy flow of the story, so that's okay,

The only problem I found was with the grammar. You have started the story in the past tense and changed that to present tense at some points in the middle. Do have a look at the story and take care of the mistake. Otherwise, your story is perfect.

All the best!

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I Am Grass

This poem is really good! It made me feel happy and recalled all of these good feelings of the past.
I do have a suggestion, though: I think you should use more punctuation marks in the poem? I'm not sure. Do try it out.

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I See Everything

I really liked the title and the cover. They were simple, but really something I've never seen before! I also admire the unique plot you've set up, although I must point out that the Preface could've been better, especially at the end.

I liked the idea of the story and how you began it. But, I was a little disappointed that the execution of such a brilliant plot hasn't been done too well. For starters, I'd suggest you to choose simpler-sounding words. After writing each chapter, read it aloud to yourself or a friend and see how it sounds. It is odd to say, "He oath to protect me". Rather, if you had written "He vowed to protect me", it would've sounded better. I hope you understand what I mean.

Also, please take care of your grammar. If you think you can't do it by yourself, you can seek the help of a friend or Google up websites that check for grammatical errors in pieces of writing.

All this will really be a big step towards improving your story. Now, I don't know how long you've been writing, but I can tell you this: each time you write, you improve for the next time. So, don't lose heart just because of my negative review. Like I said, I really love the plot. I just wish that you'd executed it better. I know you can do it.

Take care and all the best with your story!

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Entwined to My Destiny

First off, the title and the teaser were very attractive! I was very excited to have come across this work with a seemingly great plot. And then, I read the summary.

Not to put you off, but I really liked your writing style. But, you do need to take care of your grammar. There are way too many mistakes, some of which I pointed out in the chapter itself. If you're not confident about being able to this by yourself, you can Google websites that do them for you. There will be several showing up and you can choose the one that is the most comfortable to you. I say this because the errors were quite distracting. I wouldn't have minded a few.

But, this is okay. You've already crossed the biggest milestone by deciding to put up your story online for others to read! It was very brave of you! In fact, when I saw your request in the group, it took me back to about two years ago, when I myself was nervous about putting my work up online for everybody to read. Even to-day I am not that elated about it, but it's the only way I can voice out my thoughts and feelings to the world. Also, I'll have the satisfaction that I tried my best to change the ways of the world. This was a very brave step you took, Gupta! Hats off to you for that!

Keep writing! Keep taking in any reviews that you get and filter them as per your requirements and leave the rest behind. Never lose heart on any negative comment. All the best and I wish you success in your writing career!

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The Flames The Binds Us

Firstly, I was attracted to the book by its very cover and title. The summary was mysterious enough to catch my attention.

And then, when I got down to reviewing it, I realised: the title was incorrect. I mean, the tense is a little off. So, please take care of that.

Other than that, the beginning was fantastic! It was very unusual and very, very catchy. I liked how you described everything - it really flowed. The plot was inspired! And, I also loved how you started with this big mystery, which is super cool! I liked Lucius' sarcasm!

However, the tense kept changing here and there, like one or two words in a paragraph, which was a little distracting. There were also a lot of grammatical errors (for example, missing commas), but they can be edited out with a quick read-through. But, I did like the names you have chosen! The word-choice was a little off at some places, so I suggest you look into that.

That's all I have to say. I shall definitely continue reading this story!

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Cur: Blood and Soil

Fantastic! - that's the only word I'm left with, at the moment. I loved the way you began this story. The first paragraph caught my attention, more than the cover and the summary. Although, I was slightly confused with the races of the characters (who is what), but I'm sure this would be sorted out in the upcoming chapters. So far, the only problem I find is with grammar and punctuation. There are a lot of commas and such missing. But, you can add them while editing, no sweat.

All the best with your story!

P.S. I wanted to read more than one chapter for reviewing, which was why I was insisting on the other book. Just letting you know. :)

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Crazy Little Love Story

I'm in love!!!

Literally! I loved your story so much, even though I just read the first chapter. I do intend to read the rest, though. I didn't find any problem with it. The grammar was a tad bit off, but I told you where you could correct. Nothing an edit cannot help. But, seriously, at the end of the first chapter, I was a mix of giggles, annoyance (at the mother), grinning,.... You are among the best writers I've ever seen anywhere before. I loved how you began the story and the sarcasm was just right to produce the humour. Well done!!!

Good luck with your story and hope you get the success you so well deserve!

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Unravel

I am in love with the concept of this story. It's the execution of it that is a problem. Let me explain one by one.

The language is good - you've kept it plain and simple. That's how a story should be written - not too many big words - just apt number of them. However, the problem doesn't lie here. So, keep it up!

The tense of the story keeps changing from past tense to present tense. This is something I've been noticing with many writers on various platforms, so you're not the only one. This can be fixed with a bit of editing. Also, in the beginning of the first chapter, I was confused with the quotation marks you have used. My understanding is that singles are used for thoughts and doubles are used when spoken aloud, or vice-versa. You have mixed this, is what I feel. That, or Axel can read Nora's mind, while Nora cannot read Axel's.

Also, I suggest you break your sentences into paragraphs. And, do build up the story better. I understand that the entire scene would be playing like a movie in your mind, where you know exactly why some things are happening, but your readers can't read your mind. You need to explain it all to them. Then again, this explanation cannot be direct and all done at one shot. Build up your plot slowly and carefully. Make sure you end each of your chapters in such a way that the reader will be crying for more. Make sure that all of this lead somewhere exciting and completely unexpected.

On that note, I personally feel that you should elaborate more on the dream in the first chapter. I understand that it was explained in the second chapter, but somehow, I didn't find the connection between the two. It felt like a whole new dream was being described in the second chapter.

Lastly, I didn't feel all these characters. I felt like I couldn't care less if Nora's heart stopped and she fell unconscious. Your readers should be able to feel her pain and the reactions of the others in the room to such an occurrence. Perhaps it happens everyday. But, don't you think it'll be painful to see somebody close to you nearly die everyday? Here, I suggest you put yourself in the shoes of each of your characters and ask yourself what they would say or feel or how they each would react to a given circumstance.

I personally believe that this story has a lot of potential when it is improved. It can do so much better in this world. All you have to do is pay attention to the little things that matter and could even change the very direction of your story.

All the best on your endeavour!

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The Road That Went Right

I'll be honest here.

I enjoyed the story a lot. It was amazing to read, so realistic, despite its genre. I could picture everything in my head, so you used the right words. I could feel what the characters could feel, too. It was fun with all the suspense you brought in.

However, there are some things that were distracting. The grammar was a bit off in many places. Also, I suggest that you break many of the long paragraphs into a few separate ones, especially where the dialouges are concerned.

Overall, I loved reading this story so much! Keep it up!

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My Sunset

Firstly. about the title. I don't think it matches up with the story. I mean, you speak about the dawn and the sun rising, but the story is called "My Sunset". Or, maybe it's just me... maybe you mean to say that the girl killing the man (her father or step-father, presumably) is her spiritual sunset. If this is the case, then it's a perfect match.

Secondly, I absolutely LOVED the story! It's short, although by the blurb, I thought that it'd be a novel or something like that. Still, the style of narration and description were amazing! I just found one mistake here that kept repeating and that is the tense. The story kept changing from past tense to present tense, which I suggest, should be avoided, for a smoother running.

Overall, I rate this story as "AWESOME"!
Have a nice day!

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Revenge Diaries

I really like the plot of this story. I think it is very promising!

But, there are some things I noticed some things you might want to reflect upon.
Firstly, the title of the story doesn't seem to match the cover, but the cover seems to match the summary. And then, I can't really see any connection between the title and the summary. Maybe you did this on purpose and this shall be explained later in the story?
Secondly, I couldn't see the relation between the title of the first chapter and its contents... unless, by "Fairy Land", you meant college. If this is so, then it all makes sense and you're good.
Thirdly, I think the scenes are changing way too fast in the story. For instance, that part where my main character gets a dare? I would put that in the first or the third chapter. In the first chapter, I'd just leave it to her meeting with the girl bullies (that's what I'm assuming they are) and the main character probably meeting friendlier people and such.

I think that's all. I found minor grammatical errors, which I've already pointed out to you.
All the best for your story!

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Valentine's Day Adventures

This was so beautiful...!!!

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The Mindwalker

You drew me right in with the title and the cover! They're so simple and so GOOD!! Well done right there! The blurb was just as good. They are all very intriguing and raise questions that can only be answered by reading the book.

I absolutely loved the way you started your story! The Prologue had me reading each word and then turn to read what came next! The plot of the story is really good, but your punctuation is off, such as a comma where it is appropriate. Other than that, your descriptions are beautiful!

Well done and do keep writing! I shall keep reading as you update!

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Til Death Do Us Part 1: Alice

Hi! So, I'll give you a quick review about what I liked and what I think you can improve upon.

Firstly, the title and the summary just drew me in like a magnet. The cover, though, was too blurry to make any sense to me, but I can make a guess: Is it two people, a man and a woman, seen through a window that is fogged by rain? If so, I think you should make that clearer.

Secondly, the plot and the idea for the story is inspired. I absolutely loved the way you began the story! But, I would suggest you to break up the first chapter into two. It became way too long to read it at one stretch. Also, do take care to use the right words in the right contexts. I have observed that you have used like two big words in one sentence or two similar describing words in one sentence. Do edit it out.

So, that's all. There were some minor spelling and grammar errors, which can be eliminated by a couple of edits. Yea, that's it. All the best on your writing endeavour!

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The City of a Thousand Races

The title and the teaser were very attractive! The summary was good enough to draw me in. And then, I read the first chapter.

I will be honest here.

The first thing that I noticed was how the titles at the beginning of the chapter were not matching. I think you should change that. Secondly, your grammar was way off. For example, the first paragraph had names that begin in small letters. Also, I think that some of the words chosen weren't used in the right contexts. Thirdly, you don't have to give out too many details in the first chapter itself. You can leave that for the subsequent chapters.

Overall, I liked the plot and the ideas you have for this story and the execution was also done well, but been bent out of shape. So, you need to keep that in mind when you're done with the story and start editing it. Keep writing. You're doing a great job already!

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Red

One of the best stories I've ever "red"!

I found no mistakes in this one! It made me feel like a small child again - maybe ten years old, before the innocence started fading away, paving way for disillusionment. It was a very nice feeling and I'm glad I read this story.

I seriously have no more words to say - that's how good your story was! Well done! Or, actually, you deserve much more than that!

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Blood Moon

I am going to be honest in my review. Please do not take this to heart, but I would like it if you at least heard me out. Thank you,

The title was inspired! The cover suited it in a weird kind of way, which is super-cool! The plot was awesome! How you began the first chapter was mind-blowing!

But, what came next was rather unexpected. I mean, the normal text (after the bold Prologue-like narration) started off really good. But then, there were a lot of grammatical mistakes. The tense also kept changing in some places. Overall, by the end of the chapter, I was only more than a little thrilled about the story. I honestly feel very bad for saying this, but it's true. It's how I felt. However, with an improvement to the execution of your plot, this story will be fantastic! Keep going and keep writing! You'll soon know how to improve yourself! The word-choice was superb and you didn't use any "big words" unnecessarily, which is something not many authors can prevent. So, you did a great job there!

Keep it up, learn from your mistakes, and do, do keep writing! The world needs the kind of stuff you're willing to provide!

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When The Road Splits

I really liked the plot of this story and the genre is also very appealing to me. The best part was, they both fit perfectly together. However, I'm not sure whether the title is appropriate or not and I'll soon come to that. The cover is okay - neither too lavish nor too bland. But, I'm not sure that it matches the title.

I am extremely sorry to say that I could just barely get through the first chapter. It was very boring to me, especially with the elaborate dialogues. I know people say that dialogues are the best form of showing instead of telling in a story, but I found that it was overdone in this case. I'm sure that if I made myself read further (based on the previous reviews, I really should), I'll get a better clarity on things. But, the scenes were literally fast-forwarding and just racing past. Also, I would suggest you to demarcate clearly the time-skips. Otherwise, the differing scenes get really confusing. As for the grammar, you could have worded certain sentences better; they were too elaborate and confusing. I suggest you simplify your writing largely. The funny thing here is that - and I applaud you for this - you didn't use too many big words, like I saw in many books I reviewed before. You did a great job here by trying to balance it all out. Just, take care of the sentence structure.

Overall, I love the plot of the story. I just wish that you executed it better. It really has a lot of potential. I believe that the first chapter should be attractive and mysterious enough for the reader to go on to the second chapter. This I did not find happening. It could be just me, I'm sure the rest of the story is really good. As a reader, I need to be able to tell myself that this is the book I want to pick for the day.

Good luck with your writing. I feel very bad about what I just wrote, but it's all true and it's all exactly what I feel. If I didn't put it in plain words, I'd be doing you a disservice and it would eat me up from the inside. I'd feel that I have not helped a fellow writer. I do hope you understand and not feel too bad about this. Look at the others who gave you a lot better reviews and then, a few days later, come back to mine and see what I wrote. Then, decide for yourself whether you need to implement all of this or not. Because, I, for one, write to give words to my inner voice - to satisfy myself - and this is what I would do.

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Cost of Revenge

Excellent plot and excellent execution! Kudos for you! The plotline is simply fascinating, although I read only till the first chapter. I do have something to point out, though: The first chapter is so large... I think you should break it up somehow. Maybe put the chapter with the dream in the next one, at the beginning? Something like that.

Otherwise, I have no problem with the story. I'll come back to read more as and when I get time, Good luck with your writing!

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Cry of Destiny

Again, I read the first chapter only, but I'm beyond impressed. The emotions, the thoughts, the dialogues... they were ingenious! It was like you literally stood in Sky's shoes and walked around in them for a long time before you actually started writing down this story. Maybe you did, I don't know. Well done!! I'm definitely reading more of this one!!

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Soulful

I really liked this collection of poems, although I read just the first few. They were beautiful and do justice to the title of their book. I didn't find a single grammatical error or confusion anywhere, so I really have nothing to say about that. The cover matched the title and the collection inside.

Sorry, I loved your poems so much that I have nothing to say! Perhaps in the future? I'll keep reading your poems!

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It Might Be You

I really liked the way you've started the story, but I'm afraid it was not given full justice. I mean, the feelings have been described well enough and I could picture it all mostly in my head, but the grammar was off a lot. Also, I think that there was too much information given off in the first chapter itself. I mean, my idea of a first chapter is to be either simple or mysterious, so that the reader will have the urge to turn the next page to seek his answers. In this particular kind of beginning, I think that you should've revealed the history of Rainie (pardon me if I got the spelling wrong) and Draven in the subsequent chapters. This is what I feel.

Anyway, I liked the plot of your story. I'll read more whenever I get the time. Do keep writing. And also, I would suggest editing each chapter once after completing them. There are a few sentences that are quite confusing, so you could set them right during the edit. No doubt, more will crop up, but the basic grammatical errors will lessen with the first edit. Always. :)

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Bad Intentions

I'm I'm love with the way you write. It is very smooth and has very good descriptions. I already told you what I loved! There are some small grammar errors, though, which can easily be fixed with edits, no problem. I'm keen to read more of this! Good job!

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Blood Reign

First off, your writing style is excellent and very, very effective. You have used the right words everywhere to describe the feelings and emotions of each scene - had me turning the pages. However, I wish you had done this throughout the story and not just in a few places.

Also, many of the sentences are too long and hence, complex. They can be broken using punctuation marks. There are slight grammar errors and some spelling mistakes, which can easily be rectified with a quick edit.

The tense keeps changing from the present to the past and from the future to the past. Please stick to one of these throughout the story.

Like I've mentioned before, in the in-line comments, this plot is inspired! I'm very excited for this story, as it has a lot of scope, provided it's used in the right way. The plot is zooming past, with no time for the reader to grasp the beautifully expressed emotions. There was no time for me to feel for the characters. You need to work on this a little bit more.

Otherwise, this story has great potential. I'm looking forward to reading more!

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Between the Pages

I loved your poems so much!! There's straight from your heart - I can feel it! I'd love to read more of this!!

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Burning Broken Chains: Rising Ashes

The narration of the story is good. I suppose it's too early to be talking about the plot, so I won't delve into it now. There are slight grammar errors - such as using a comma instead of a semi-colon or a dash (long hyphen) or the absence of a comma itself, the incorrect useage of words here and there.

Otherwise, the story is going good so far. I like the names you've chosen (made-up, I believe?). But, I do feel that the language used is slighted advanced for the setting. Then again, it's just me! I do love the cover, though! And I liked the way you ended your chapters - makes the reader want to see what happens next!

Overall, there's a lot of potential for your story. Keep it up!

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