BAD_Agar

Wellington

I'm a huge nerd and wannabe fantasy writer.

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Only one chapter in...

And I'm already enjoying it. It's an interesting premise, the super assassin letting himself be captured and playing games against his captors who have their own ulterior motives, too.

So far my only complaint is that the first...scene goes on a bit too long and bogged down the pacing a bit.

Nice work! I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes!

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This has potential...

I like your style of writing and the way you transition from one character to another even without a double space. Especially when it transitions from Ester to Kain by her looking out the window and by the end of the first chapter I did feel sorry for Ester and Rollan and it speaks a lot you managed to make me like them in so short of time. I like your dialogue, too it's nicely medieval but not too overblown or melodramatic.

A few things I have to say which are a bit negative but please just hear me out as I feel this story has a lot of potential.

The uncle murdering usurping the throne and the true prince standing up plot has been done to death now, Hamlet, Lion King are just a couple among many. I just think if you could maybe take it in a different direction it'll be much more refreshing as it is endanger of becoming formulaic.(You might have it planned out like this already, so if so, that'd be great!)

Two more things, you use 'here' where you should be using 'hear' and forget to put an apostrophe when you have an ownership eg; queen's room.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!

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I'm liking this

I don't like giving this a star rating as I've only just now finished the third chapter (So an overall score is pretty disingenuous, in my eyes) Will change it when I come back to read the whole thing later as right now I'm busy with my creative writing course. One thing I must say first is the marked improvement between the first and second chapters and the subsequent chapters after that. I really suggest going back and re-working the first chapter to the same level as the others. I really love some of your descriptions, some of them are dynamic, interesting and creative even a few in the first chapter. I like the sense of snarky almost parody-like darkness in every part, it's hard to describe, but you can lend your work a sense of foreboding.

A few things I think could use improvement are, you tend to over explain things here and there. Or repeat actions a few times. One of the most egregious being in the third chapter 'Tim's smile widened' or 'Tim's grin widened.' If he widened his smile any more it'd be tearing his cheeks!

But overall good work and am interested in seeing where this is going. Keep it up! Sorry I'm unable to read it all right now.

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